It's been a while.
I have a new resolution, I'm going to write in this more, and I'm going to try to be more positive. Monday was Jess's 24th birthday, and I've decided that she wouldn't want me to be unhappy. She'd want me to go out and live and experience everything that I can. That's just the kind of person she was.
With that in mind, I'm trying to take a positive outlook on next year. Since grad school is not in my immediate future (read: did not get in), I'm free to do other things. I'm looking into internships and jobs in conservation to try to boost my application, I'm also looking into taking an art class or two and maybe a refresher chem course to get back in the game. I'm also trying to decide where I want to live next, which depends relatively heavily on where my next job is going to be. As much as my boss would really like me to stay where I am, I think it's time to move on. I'm not as happy here as I should be, and it's not getting me anywhere closer to where I want to be.
That being said, I'm keeping my eyes open to different job opportunities that may not neccesarily be linked to conservation. I'm taking an aptitude test to find out what my natural skills are to help me see what other kinds of work I would be able to be satisfied in. I've learned that I am not content in a desk job, but I do like interacting with people much more than I originally thought I would. I definitely know that I need something more intellectually stimulating than my current job, and I would really like something where I can see physical progress at the end of the day. Either way, it'll be interesting to see what the results are, I'm open to new ideas.
All in all, I'm not too unhappy with how life is. I can wish for it to be different, my drive to be shorter, my roommates to be home more... but things could be so much worse and have been before that I'm actually feeling pretty hopeful about the whole situation.
Hope you all are doing well :)
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Looking up?
I am starting to feel better. I've calmed down a little, I've started to go to the gym, which surprisingly helps me relax a little more. I've decided that I've been really proactive over the past couple of weeks and that I really deserve a break. I'm done with forcing things, I'm going to see what happens if I just let the fates that be take care of me, and to not freak out about making sure things work the way that I think that they should. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I should listen more to my heart and my gut and less to what my brain tells me is the way things should go.
So far... It's been pretty successful :) I'm happy, probably for the first time in months.
So far... It's been pretty successful :) I'm happy, probably for the first time in months.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I'm Trying
I've been away from this for a long time.
A month has passed, and in some ways it's easier. I'm not spontaneously crying any more, we're slowing pulling our lives back together. I joined a gym, I've started to change my diet so I'm eating things that are better for me and that will help me be a stronger person. I got my application for Delaware in and I'm almost done the one for Buffalo. I feel more like me than I have in a month, possibly longer. I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of being exhausted, I'm tired of not having the emotional stamina to get through the day. So I'm working to change my life and change myself and change my situation.
In some ways, it's so much harder. It still feels so surreal, like Jess just moved out to some other country. I can't really remember as well as I used to. I try to picture her face and voice and laugh and it's all a little bit blurry and off. I don't like that. Mary is having a worse time now than she was before. I think her heart is broken and her life is broken and she's had to just gather her broken self up and drag it forward just to keep moving. I think she's tired of it, I think it's absolutely exhausted her and I think she is angry.
My anger's died down a little. I'm not as angry as I was, I'm exhausted and I'm sad. I feel like life is brutally unfair. I need to stop being afraid, though. If anything good has come out of this it is that I've realized that no one is promised tomorrow. You've got today, and that's it. I've got to stop being afraid of tomorrow. I've got to stop being afraid that things won't work the way I want to and I need to just go for them. I'm trying to stop procrastinating. There's no guarantee that you'll actually get to finish it later.
So this is us, trying to pull our lives back together. We're bringing in a new roommate, we'll see how it goes. I don't know if we're all ready for it or not, but we all know we're not ready to pay more than we can afford to keep her place empty.
I miss her.
A month has passed, and in some ways it's easier. I'm not spontaneously crying any more, we're slowing pulling our lives back together. I joined a gym, I've started to change my diet so I'm eating things that are better for me and that will help me be a stronger person. I got my application for Delaware in and I'm almost done the one for Buffalo. I feel more like me than I have in a month, possibly longer. I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of being exhausted, I'm tired of not having the emotional stamina to get through the day. So I'm working to change my life and change myself and change my situation.
In some ways, it's so much harder. It still feels so surreal, like Jess just moved out to some other country. I can't really remember as well as I used to. I try to picture her face and voice and laugh and it's all a little bit blurry and off. I don't like that. Mary is having a worse time now than she was before. I think her heart is broken and her life is broken and she's had to just gather her broken self up and drag it forward just to keep moving. I think she's tired of it, I think it's absolutely exhausted her and I think she is angry.
My anger's died down a little. I'm not as angry as I was, I'm exhausted and I'm sad. I feel like life is brutally unfair. I need to stop being afraid, though. If anything good has come out of this it is that I've realized that no one is promised tomorrow. You've got today, and that's it. I've got to stop being afraid of tomorrow. I've got to stop being afraid that things won't work the way I want to and I need to just go for them. I'm trying to stop procrastinating. There's no guarantee that you'll actually get to finish it later.
So this is us, trying to pull our lives back together. We're bringing in a new roommate, we'll see how it goes. I don't know if we're all ready for it or not, but we all know we're not ready to pay more than we can afford to keep her place empty.
I miss her.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Jessica
This is the hardest thing I have ever done.
My roommate, Jess, passed away on Monday of two weeks ago. She was in a bad car accident and never woke up. Surviving this loss is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It sits like a weight on my chest and drags me down to where everything that's happy is wrong. I'm sulky, I'm disagreeable, I cry at the drop of a hat... I'm angry with a God I don't believe in.
I want to believe. I want to believe that she's in heaven and that everything is great and that she had some special mission here to fill our lives with whatever joy she brought. She was good at that. She was honest and understanding and funny and caring... she was one of my favorite people even though I only knew her for 6 months. Instead I just keep imagining her there at the viewing, in a coffin, nothing left of who she was but a body. And that body is now tucked away in the ground, off in some far corner of an astoundingly large cemetary, a highlighted rectangle on a map.
I will never hear her laugh again. I will never see her smile. I will never hear her yell at the dogs or see her play with Harvey or paint her toes or dance around the kitchen with a glass of wine.
I'm lost in it. I don't know how to get out.
My roommate, Jess, passed away on Monday of two weeks ago. She was in a bad car accident and never woke up. Surviving this loss is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It sits like a weight on my chest and drags me down to where everything that's happy is wrong. I'm sulky, I'm disagreeable, I cry at the drop of a hat... I'm angry with a God I don't believe in.
I want to believe. I want to believe that she's in heaven and that everything is great and that she had some special mission here to fill our lives with whatever joy she brought. She was good at that. She was honest and understanding and funny and caring... she was one of my favorite people even though I only knew her for 6 months. Instead I just keep imagining her there at the viewing, in a coffin, nothing left of who she was but a body. And that body is now tucked away in the ground, off in some far corner of an astoundingly large cemetary, a highlighted rectangle on a map.
I will never hear her laugh again. I will never see her smile. I will never hear her yell at the dogs or see her play with Harvey or paint her toes or dance around the kitchen with a glass of wine.
I'm lost in it. I don't know how to get out.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
The Grand Move
Hey All,
Well, it's a time to settle here at the new offices. Things are falling into their appropriate place, people are getting into a groove, we're all figuring out how to deal with each other and how to get here on time.
Friday of last week we packed up all of our things, the entire CSR HVAC group, the credit department, and the Hearth and Home Department, and moved out to the branch in Valley Forge. Benefits? No city sales tax, so when we shop or eat or get paid, it's 6% tax instead of 8. There's a Wawa right on the corner, gas is only $2.55. The desks are newer, the space is brighter, there's more food, less traffic in the immediate area, and if we have parts questions, bam there's the store right through the door. We're also getting to know the people in the other departments better, which is good. And I'm getting to know people in my department better just based on seating. Bob shares half of a desk, Sam's diagonal from me. Jess is just behind the pole, and Brandon is closer too. Also, I've gotten to wear jeans for the past three days, and I intend on doing it again tomorrow.
Downsides? It takes me an hour and 20 minutes on a good day to get out here. It's consistantly taken me an hour and 45 to 2 hours to get home. It's over 100 miles of driving a day. The traffic on 202 is atrocious. People suck at driving. Some people are unhappy because it's ridiculously far away for some of them. Parking is sometimes interesting, I'm not sure exactly how many spots we get. Also, I don't see my family every day, and no more free lunches from Dad.
On the whole, it's been a pretty good experience. We'll see how I feel when it gets colder and it gets harder for me to get out of bed at 5:45-6 and I'm spending pretty much the entire time it's light outside either at work or on the way home. Beyond that, I enjoy where I live, and I don't mind what I do. The people are good, and so are some of the customers. All in all, I can't complain.
Hope everyone else is doing no worse than that.
Well, it's a time to settle here at the new offices. Things are falling into their appropriate place, people are getting into a groove, we're all figuring out how to deal with each other and how to get here on time.
Friday of last week we packed up all of our things, the entire CSR HVAC group, the credit department, and the Hearth and Home Department, and moved out to the branch in Valley Forge. Benefits? No city sales tax, so when we shop or eat or get paid, it's 6% tax instead of 8. There's a Wawa right on the corner, gas is only $2.55. The desks are newer, the space is brighter, there's more food, less traffic in the immediate area, and if we have parts questions, bam there's the store right through the door. We're also getting to know the people in the other departments better, which is good. And I'm getting to know people in my department better just based on seating. Bob shares half of a desk, Sam's diagonal from me. Jess is just behind the pole, and Brandon is closer too. Also, I've gotten to wear jeans for the past three days, and I intend on doing it again tomorrow.
Downsides? It takes me an hour and 20 minutes on a good day to get out here. It's consistantly taken me an hour and 45 to 2 hours to get home. It's over 100 miles of driving a day. The traffic on 202 is atrocious. People suck at driving. Some people are unhappy because it's ridiculously far away for some of them. Parking is sometimes interesting, I'm not sure exactly how many spots we get. Also, I don't see my family every day, and no more free lunches from Dad.
On the whole, it's been a pretty good experience. We'll see how I feel when it gets colder and it gets harder for me to get out of bed at 5:45-6 and I'm spending pretty much the entire time it's light outside either at work or on the way home. Beyond that, I enjoy where I live, and I don't mind what I do. The people are good, and so are some of the customers. All in all, I can't complain.
Hope everyone else is doing no worse than that.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Promises to Myself
I don't know how exactly it happened, but I've become a serious shopaholic. It's disasterous, especially when I know I can afford the things I'm buying. However, I can't afford to keep spending this way and buy a new car. I can't believe the ridiculous amount of money that I'm blowing through.
So here are a few promises to myself:
1. No going to the mall, DSW, or outlet stores. You've got plenty of clothes, plenty of bags, and more shoes than you can shake a stick at. You can go back in November to do some Christmas shopping, but no more ridiculous purchases for yourself. You have more than enough.
2. You're going to eat out at least for lunch, try to keep it under $15. Go grocery shopping for dinner instead of going out, and don't cave when your roommates are all ordering something.
3. Start running again. This doesn't have much to do with saving money, but if you're out running, you're not out shopping. AVOID WEBSITES. It is way too easy to just order something when you already know how it fits.
4. Try to keep the dry cleaning to twice a month. While it's something that I think is worth splurging on because the washer at the house eats clothing, try to be a little neater or learn to handwash some of the pieces.
5. STOP DRINKING. Okay, granted this hasn't really been that big of a deal, especially when the roommates are giving you things for free, but seriously, cut back where you can.
Alright, I think those are ones I can stick to. I think. I hope.
And quite possibly as soon as Friday I may have a new baby. I've named it Bill. He looks like a panther.
So here are a few promises to myself:
1. No going to the mall, DSW, or outlet stores. You've got plenty of clothes, plenty of bags, and more shoes than you can shake a stick at. You can go back in November to do some Christmas shopping, but no more ridiculous purchases for yourself. You have more than enough.
2. You're going to eat out at least for lunch, try to keep it under $15. Go grocery shopping for dinner instead of going out, and don't cave when your roommates are all ordering something.
3. Start running again. This doesn't have much to do with saving money, but if you're out running, you're not out shopping. AVOID WEBSITES. It is way too easy to just order something when you already know how it fits.
4. Try to keep the dry cleaning to twice a month. While it's something that I think is worth splurging on because the washer at the house eats clothing, try to be a little neater or learn to handwash some of the pieces.
5. STOP DRINKING. Okay, granted this hasn't really been that big of a deal, especially when the roommates are giving you things for free, but seriously, cut back where you can.
Alright, I think those are ones I can stick to. I think. I hope.
And quite possibly as soon as Friday I may have a new baby. I've named it Bill. He looks like a panther.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
For My Roommates
Dear Mary, Jess, Matt, Penny, Tully/Poof, Churizzo, and Harvey,
You have been lifesavers. I don't know if you know how much or at all, but you've been the best thing to happen to me during this pretty rough period in my life.
Mary, you're absolutely one of my best friends. I can tell you anything, there is no awkwardness, and I know that no matter what you will give me an honest answer. I truly believe you have my best interest at heart and want me to be happy just as much as you want to be. In the short time we've known each other you've become one of the people I trust the most, and know that if I want to come home and dump my worries you won't mind, or if I want to come home and just drink wine and watch ridiculous home makeover shows, that's fine too. You're my rock and I love you.
Jess, you bring out the wild in me, which I love. I'm more adventurous, more willing to stay up later and slack on sleep to just spend some time with everyone. You drag out my inner "party" girl, which really just consists of wanting to go out to bars and have fun and not care. You've made me more carefree, and I really like that. Plus you're a great roommate, you're respectful and keep things fair.
Matt, I love you like a second brother. You know how to make me laugh. You let my little gamer nerd come out. You also make adorable noises when the puppies play. Keep on keepin' on.
Penny and Tully/Poofy/thing, I LOVE YOU. You make coming home an adventure and something to look forward to. I needed unconditional love, I needed something that's sweet and wriggly and cuddly and you two are it. You melt my heart and you heal my hurt. My one complaint, learn to poop outside.
Churizzo, you give me something interesting to talk about. Who has a hedgehog, honestly? I don't get to play with you much, but you're still part of this household that makes my life better, so thanks are due to you too.
Harvey, please love me. I think I'm growing on you, day by day, but I can't be sure it's not just because I'm the first one home after you've been left alone with the crazy puppies. Keep up the King of the Mountain trick, it's really cute. I wish I had more space on my phone and time in my day to just watch you guys interact. Too cute.
You're the loves of my life right now, all of you, I need you and I'm so glad I've done this.
Love love love,
Liz
You have been lifesavers. I don't know if you know how much or at all, but you've been the best thing to happen to me during this pretty rough period in my life.
Mary, you're absolutely one of my best friends. I can tell you anything, there is no awkwardness, and I know that no matter what you will give me an honest answer. I truly believe you have my best interest at heart and want me to be happy just as much as you want to be. In the short time we've known each other you've become one of the people I trust the most, and know that if I want to come home and dump my worries you won't mind, or if I want to come home and just drink wine and watch ridiculous home makeover shows, that's fine too. You're my rock and I love you.
Jess, you bring out the wild in me, which I love. I'm more adventurous, more willing to stay up later and slack on sleep to just spend some time with everyone. You drag out my inner "party" girl, which really just consists of wanting to go out to bars and have fun and not care. You've made me more carefree, and I really like that. Plus you're a great roommate, you're respectful and keep things fair.
Matt, I love you like a second brother. You know how to make me laugh. You let my little gamer nerd come out. You also make adorable noises when the puppies play. Keep on keepin' on.
Penny and Tully/Poofy/thing, I LOVE YOU. You make coming home an adventure and something to look forward to. I needed unconditional love, I needed something that's sweet and wriggly and cuddly and you two are it. You melt my heart and you heal my hurt. My one complaint, learn to poop outside.
Churizzo, you give me something interesting to talk about. Who has a hedgehog, honestly? I don't get to play with you much, but you're still part of this household that makes my life better, so thanks are due to you too.
Harvey, please love me. I think I'm growing on you, day by day, but I can't be sure it's not just because I'm the first one home after you've been left alone with the crazy puppies. Keep up the King of the Mountain trick, it's really cute. I wish I had more space on my phone and time in my day to just watch you guys interact. Too cute.
You're the loves of my life right now, all of you, I need you and I'm so glad I've done this.
Love love love,
Liz
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