For Jessica (I just want to get this off my chest)

This is hopefully the last time I will talk about this in such detail.  I felt the need to put that weekend into words.  I'm hoping it will help me.

December 9th.  I had just finished getting the dogs into their crate for the night. It was late, after 10, and I liked to go to bed early because 6 am always came too soon.  Besides, the next day was Friday, I had plans to spend time with Sam, I figured hanging at her place and drinking away our sorrows was the best way to repair the shambles of a friendship that was left after the whole John debacle.  I didn't want to be exhausted for that.  I heard laughter and footsteps coming down the hall.  There was a knock on the door, and there was Jess, eyes laughing, a glass of wine in her hand.

"You've got to try this!! It's so good!"

So I did, and it was, and I asked her what it was.  She said it was a wine she got from Homegrown and promised me to bring some home the next day after work.  I gave her $20 and watched her dance back down the hall.  I closed the door.

That was the last time I saw her.

Friday came and went without incident.  I went over to Sam's and watched Sailor Moon and drank white wine sangria.  I drank too much, felt awful, and drove home at 4 am.  At approximately the same time,Jess was having a seizure, accelerating into a brick wall, metal streetlight, and finally coming to a stop in a ditch.  While I was crawling into my bed, she was being rushed to the hospital by EMTs who were trying to figure out who she was. 

It wasn't until 9:30 that I even knew anything was wrong. Sitting in the waiting room at my car dealer, waiting for my car's oil to be changed, Mary called to tell me that Jess had been in a bad accident.  She told me to come to the hospital as soon a s I could.

At that point I started making the rounds of phone calls.  Letting my dad know I might not make it to the show that night, depending on how the situation was, telling my mom what was going on.  I didn't know what to expect.  Broken bones, painful recuperation, but nothing really prepared me for what it actually was.

 Matt came down and met me at the hospital, explaining what had happened.  Jess had hit her head, but she'd be fine.  They had taken a part of her skill out to relieve the pressure on her brain and to insert a monitor.  By the time I got upstairs to where Mary was waiting, I was convinced Jess would be up and fine in a few days, joking about the whole experience and fuming over the loss of her brand new car.

Mary's face said differently.  She and I walked down to get coffee from the lobby and she told me what the doctor's had told Jess's family.

Jess's body was fine.  A few bruises and scrapes from the impact, but no broken bones, no serious problems of any kind.  Her brain was a different story.  She had severe damage to the front cortex and there was no brain activity.  She was hooked up to machines to keep her going.  The odds of her coming out of it unscathed were minuscule, if she came out of it at all.

At that point I couldn't stop the tears.  It was a constant stream for what felt like hours, between racking sobs and slow tearing up (which was the best I could do to control myself in front of her already grieving family).  I finally drove home, my Dad came and picked me up to take me back to Dresher for the weekend.  There wasn't anything I could do to help her now, and the doctor's didn't know how long it would take to know if she would pull through.

That night I went to "A Christmas Carol," while Mary paced fitfully around the hospital waiting area.  I slept in a comfortable bed while she slept on a floor for a few brief hours.  Sunday I wanted to go home but Dad advised against it, since I had no other mode of transportation, I stayed.  I should have fought him on it, I should have been home.  Monday he dropped me off at work.  After lunch I asked Mary if there was any news. 30 seconds later I got a phone call.

Jess hadn't pulled through.  She had started shutting down her own organs.  They had tried everything to save her, but were now in surgery, harvesting her organs to donate to patients in need.  Her death saved 7 people's lives.

I sank to the ground out side of work, crying hysterically.  One of the girls I work with brought me my coat and a box of tissues.  My boss came out and tried to comfort me and told me to take all the time I needed, just to let her know.  I didn't want to go back to Dad's, I didn't want to go back to my house, so full of what was left of her and so full of loss.  Sam drove me back to Delaware, where I packed and waited for my mom to drive down to Bethany.

I spent the next two days drinking, eating, and ignoring a pain that I had no idea how to deal with and could not comprehend.  I drove back up on Wednesday, went back to work on Thursday, the viewing was Sunday and the funeral Monday.  For a week solid afterwards, I was haunted by the feeling that she was outside my door, staring, questioning, demanding to know why I hadn't been there.  Why I hadn't been there for Mary, how could I have been so selfish.

It still haunts me, that image.  Her standing at my door, demanding why, if I loved her at all, did I not stay. And if I didn't love her, then why didn't I love Mary enough to see that she needed me to be here?

I want you to forgive me, Jess. I want to know you understand that I didn't know what to do, my brain stopped working logically and just shut off.  I want you to know how much I loved you and how cheated I feel at not being able to know you better.  For being robbed of such an incredible person.

I'll always miss you.

Where to next?

It's been a while.

I have a new resolution, I'm going to write in this more, and I'm going to try to be more positive.  Monday was Jess's 24th birthday, and I've decided that she wouldn't want me to be unhappy.  She'd want me to go out and live and experience everything that I can.  That's just the kind of person she was.

With that in mind, I'm trying to take a positive outlook on next year.  Since grad school is not in my immediate future (read: did not get in), I'm free to do other things.  I'm looking into internships and jobs in conservation to try to boost my application, I'm also looking into taking an art class or two and maybe a refresher chem course to get back in the game.  I'm also trying to decide where  I want to live next, which depends relatively heavily on where my next job is going to be.  As much as my boss would really like me to stay where I am, I think it's time to move on.  I'm not as happy here as I should be, and it's not getting me anywhere closer to where I want to be.

That being said, I'm keeping my eyes open to different job opportunities that may not neccesarily be linked to conservation.  I'm taking an aptitude test to find out what my natural skills are to help me see what other kinds of work I would be able to be satisfied in.  I've learned that I am not content in a desk job, but I do like interacting with people much more than I originally thought I would.  I definitely know that I need something more intellectually stimulating than my current job, and I would really like something where I can see physical progress at the end of the day.  Either way, it'll be interesting to see what the results are, I'm open to new ideas.

All in all, I'm not too unhappy with how life is.  I can wish for it to be different, my drive to be shorter, my roommates to be home more... but things could be so much worse and have been before that I'm actually feeling pretty hopeful about the whole situation.

Hope you all are doing well :)

Looking up?

I am starting to feel better.  I've calmed down a little, I've started to go to the gym, which surprisingly helps me relax a little more.  I've decided that I've been really proactive over the past couple of weeks and that I really deserve a break.  I'm done with forcing things, I'm going to see what happens if I just let the fates that be take care of me, and to not freak out about making sure things work the way that I think that they should.  If there is one thing I have learned, it's that I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I should listen more to my heart and my gut and less to what my brain tells me is the way things should go.

So far... It's been pretty successful :)  I'm happy, probably for the first time in months.

I'm Trying

I've been away from this for a long time.

A month has passed, and in some ways it's easier.  I'm not spontaneously crying any more, we're slowing pulling our lives back together.  I joined a gym, I've started to change my diet so I'm eating things that are better for me and that will help me be a stronger person.  I got my application for Delaware in and I'm almost done the one for Buffalo.  I feel more like me than I have in a month, possibly longer.  I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of being exhausted, I'm tired of not having the emotional stamina to get through the day.  So I'm working to change my life and change myself and change my situation.

In some ways, it's so much harder.  It still feels so surreal, like Jess just moved out to some other country.  I can't really remember as well as I used to.  I try to picture her face and voice and laugh and it's all a little bit blurry and off.  I don't like that.  Mary is having a worse time now than she was before.  I think her heart is broken and her life is broken and she's had to just gather her broken self up and drag it forward just to keep moving.  I think she's tired of it, I think it's absolutely exhausted her and I think she is angry.

My anger's died down a little.  I'm not as angry as I was, I'm exhausted and I'm sad.  I feel like life is brutally unfair.  I need to stop being afraid, though.  If anything good has come out of this it is that I've realized that no one is promised tomorrow.  You've got today, and that's it.  I've got to stop being afraid of tomorrow.  I've got to stop being afraid that things won't work the way I want to and I need to just go for them.  I'm trying to stop procrastinating.  There's no guarantee that you'll actually get to finish it later.

So this is us, trying to pull our lives back together.  We're bringing in a new roommate, we'll see how it goes.  I don't know if we're all ready for it or not, but we all know we're not ready to pay more than we can afford to keep her place empty.

I miss her.

Jessica

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

My roommate, Jess, passed away on Monday of two weeks ago.  She was in a bad car accident and never woke up.  Surviving this loss is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It sits like a weight on my chest and drags me down to where everything that's happy is wrong.  I'm sulky, I'm disagreeable, I cry at the drop of a hat...  I'm angry with a God I don't believe in.

I want to believe.  I want to believe that she's in heaven and that everything is great and that she had some special mission here to fill our lives with whatever joy she brought.  She was good at that.  She was honest and understanding and funny and caring... she was one of my favorite people even though I only knew her for 6 months.  Instead I just keep imagining her there at the viewing, in a coffin, nothing left of who she was but a body.  And that body is now tucked away in the ground, off in some far corner of an astoundingly large cemetary, a highlighted rectangle on a map.

I will never hear her laugh again.  I will never see her smile.  I will never hear her yell at the dogs or see her play with Harvey or paint her toes or dance around the kitchen with a glass of wine.

I'm lost in it.  I don't know how to get out.

The Grand Move

Hey All,

Well, it's a time to settle here at the new offices.  Things are falling into their appropriate place, people are getting into a groove, we're all figuring out how to deal with each other and how to get here on time.

Friday of last week we packed up all of our things, the entire CSR HVAC group, the credit department, and the Hearth and Home Department, and moved out to the branch in Valley Forge.  Benefits? No city sales tax, so when we shop or eat or get paid, it's 6% tax instead of 8.  There's a Wawa right on the corner, gas is only $2.55.  The desks are newer, the space is brighter, there's more food, less traffic in the immediate area, and if we have parts questions, bam there's the store right through the door.  We're also getting to know the people in the other departments better, which is good.  And I'm getting to know people in my department better just based on seating.  Bob shares half of a desk, Sam's diagonal from me. Jess is just behind the pole, and Brandon is closer too.  Also, I've gotten to wear jeans for the past three days, and I intend on doing it again tomorrow.

Downsides?  It takes me an hour and 20 minutes on a good day to get out here.  It's consistantly taken me an hour and 45 to 2 hours to get home.  It's over 100 miles of driving a day.  The traffic on 202 is atrocious.  People suck at driving.  Some people are unhappy because it's ridiculously far away for some of them. Parking is sometimes interesting, I'm not sure exactly how many spots we get.  Also, I don't see my family every day, and no more free lunches from Dad.

On the whole, it's been a pretty good experience.  We'll see how I feel when it gets colder and it gets harder for me to get out of bed at 5:45-6 and I'm spending pretty much the entire time it's light outside either at work or on the way home.  Beyond that, I enjoy where I live, and I don't mind what I do.  The people are good, and so are some of the customers.  All in all, I can't complain.

Hope everyone else is doing no worse than that.

Promises to Myself

I don't know how exactly it happened, but I've become a serious shopaholic.  It's disasterous, especially when I know I can afford the things I'm buying.  However, I can't afford to keep spending this way and buy a new car.  I can't believe the ridiculous amount of money that I'm blowing through.

So here are a few promises to myself:

1. No going to the mall, DSW, or outlet stores.  You've got plenty of clothes, plenty of bags, and more shoes than you can shake a stick at.  You can go back in November to do some Christmas shopping, but no more ridiculous purchases for yourself.  You have more than enough.

2.  You're going to eat out at least for lunch, try to keep it under $15.  Go grocery shopping for dinner instead of going out, and don't cave when your roommates are all ordering something. 

3.  Start running again.  This doesn't have much to do with saving money, but if you're out running, you're not out shopping.  AVOID WEBSITES.  It is way too easy to just order something when you already know how it fits.

4.  Try to keep the dry cleaning to twice a month.  While it's something that I think is worth splurging on because the washer at the house eats clothing, try to be a little neater or learn to handwash some of the pieces.

5.  STOP DRINKING.  Okay, granted this hasn't really been that big of a deal, especially when the roommates are giving you things for free, but seriously, cut back where you can.


Alright, I think those are ones I can stick to.  I think.  I hope.

And quite possibly as soon as Friday I may have a new baby.  I've named it Bill.  He looks like a panther.