Lots of life changes have been going on over the past week. Let's do a list!
1. I quit my job. Last Thursday was my last day at work for either Bill or Winterhouse. I think it's a good feeling, I won't have to be up at 6 am every morning. Granted, I'm only going to be working for my dad, and it's probably going to be work that I don't particularly enjoy, but I'll be paid well and I'll be able to get out of the house.
2. Speaking of getting out of the house, I moved my first load of things into my new room(s). I have two bedrooms in a little house down in Newark. One I'm using for a studio/office/library, the other is just my straight bedroom. I'm still working on the whole "how all my stuff is going to fit into two little rooms" thing, but I think I can get everything in to where it needs to be. Fingers crossed.
3. I'm heading out to California!!! I'm leaving on Wednesday morning and coming back late on Sunday. I'm excited, I haven't spent any time out there at all and it'll be really good to see my brother. Plus, he knows how to have a good time and will know where to go to loosen up a little.
4. I'm thinking about getting a job at Applebee's, Mary makes good money, and all of my roommates work there. It'd be kind of fun to try, just for a little. If I don't get anything else by August, I'll do that.
Quirks, Likes, and other things:
1. Honeysuckle, fresh baked blueberry muffins, and the smell after a summer thunderstorm are three of my favorite smells on earth.
2. I graduated from school exactly one year ago yesterday. I find it a little funny that on this day last year I was frantically packing up all of my things to move home, now I'm packing frantically to move out of it. I think it's a more positive thing than coming home ever was.
3. I love having things organized but I'm way too lazy to keep it up. I really need to have a thing once a week where I can just pick up whatever I need to and reorganize my life. Routines do me well.
4. There are NO LA Fitnesses in Delaware. Guess I'm canceling my subscription and finding a new gym/rejoining hot yoga.
I guess that's all there is for now. I don't have much else to talk about and this whole post has been pretty disjointed. I'm feeling hopeful and excited about what is going to happen next in my life, I can't wait to see where it takes me.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Quarter Life Crisis
Everything comes together and everything falls apart. This is not going to be a happy post, so if you don't want to read about my bitching, then find a different site to occupy your time.
The past three weeks have felt like building a house of cards. You get to the last two, everything is going beautifully, then someone walks by and the whole thing crumbles. I feel like my mother, and that's not a good thing. Push came to shove, I was faced with a decision, and I panicked. I tore everything down and am left staring at what I have left, which isn't much. My relationship failed (correction, I wrecked my relationship), my dream job fell through, I'm going to be paying rent on a house I can't live in until August at the earliest. The GREs, while not a disaster, are going to have to be retaken.
48 hours can really fuck with you.
I got a letter from my senior year of high school self. I wish she could have known what was coming, I wish she could have seen what would happen to her. I miss being that strong. I miss feeling that confident. I miss trusting that someone will love me as I am and that that person will be the right one for me. I've learned over the past 5 years that love fails. That you can love whoever you want, love is not selective. Love doesn't know who will be right for you or wrong for you, who will lift you up or tear you down. I want me back.
I came to the realization that I lost her, that 17 year old me. I lost her certainty, her determination, her utter belief that things happen for a reason and that reason is good. I lost faith that I am something worthwhile. I know where I lost it, and more or less when, but I can't really figure out why. How did I go from a person who loved herself unconditionally to someone who hates so much of what she's done and who she's become? I've loved more fiercely and completely than I ever did in high school, and I think that passion has wrecked me. I'm petty. I'm low. For as caring and compassionate as I can be in a relationship, I'm vicious and unforgiving afterward. I hate exgirlfriend me. I really do.
So with everything falling out of place, I've come to a point where I have to decide what to do next. There are only so many days you can sit and do nothing, there is a point where you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and push through. I'll fake it as best as I can until I can get to the point where I don't have to lie and say I'm fine. I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic but all I can think of is how I want to run as far and as fast as I can away from here. So what am I doing? I'm quitting my job next week. I'm going out to California for a few days, then coming back for the summer to work for my dad. I'm going to look for a job in Wilmington, move in with Mary, Matt, and Jess. I'm going to apply for grad school, both at Delaware and in England. If someone takes me, I'm going, I don't care where it is. I'll find a way to pay for it or take out a loan or who knows what. I almost hope that Delaware rejects me and UCL takes me. I want to get away more than anything else. I need adventure, I need some way to reinvent who I've become and get to the person I want to be. I want to get past this.
Also, I swear to God if one more person tells me to keep my chin up or make the best of my situation I will snap. I got me here. Let me wallow in the shit I made for me.
The past three weeks have felt like building a house of cards. You get to the last two, everything is going beautifully, then someone walks by and the whole thing crumbles. I feel like my mother, and that's not a good thing. Push came to shove, I was faced with a decision, and I panicked. I tore everything down and am left staring at what I have left, which isn't much. My relationship failed (correction, I wrecked my relationship), my dream job fell through, I'm going to be paying rent on a house I can't live in until August at the earliest. The GREs, while not a disaster, are going to have to be retaken.
48 hours can really fuck with you.
I got a letter from my senior year of high school self. I wish she could have known what was coming, I wish she could have seen what would happen to her. I miss being that strong. I miss feeling that confident. I miss trusting that someone will love me as I am and that that person will be the right one for me. I've learned over the past 5 years that love fails. That you can love whoever you want, love is not selective. Love doesn't know who will be right for you or wrong for you, who will lift you up or tear you down. I want me back.
I came to the realization that I lost her, that 17 year old me. I lost her certainty, her determination, her utter belief that things happen for a reason and that reason is good. I lost faith that I am something worthwhile. I know where I lost it, and more or less when, but I can't really figure out why. How did I go from a person who loved herself unconditionally to someone who hates so much of what she's done and who she's become? I've loved more fiercely and completely than I ever did in high school, and I think that passion has wrecked me. I'm petty. I'm low. For as caring and compassionate as I can be in a relationship, I'm vicious and unforgiving afterward. I hate exgirlfriend me. I really do.
So with everything falling out of place, I've come to a point where I have to decide what to do next. There are only so many days you can sit and do nothing, there is a point where you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and push through. I'll fake it as best as I can until I can get to the point where I don't have to lie and say I'm fine. I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic but all I can think of is how I want to run as far and as fast as I can away from here. So what am I doing? I'm quitting my job next week. I'm going out to California for a few days, then coming back for the summer to work for my dad. I'm going to look for a job in Wilmington, move in with Mary, Matt, and Jess. I'm going to apply for grad school, both at Delaware and in England. If someone takes me, I'm going, I don't care where it is. I'll find a way to pay for it or take out a loan or who knows what. I almost hope that Delaware rejects me and UCL takes me. I want to get away more than anything else. I need adventure, I need some way to reinvent who I've become and get to the person I want to be. I want to get past this.
Also, I swear to God if one more person tells me to keep my chin up or make the best of my situation I will snap. I got me here. Let me wallow in the shit I made for me.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Sunday's for life changes
This Sunday I'm heading down to Newark to look at a house with my
old roommate, Mary, her boyfriend Matt, and my Matt. If all things work out, it'll be the four of us and her brother in a house. Matt and I would get 2 rooms upstairs As would her brother, and Matt and Mary would get the downstairs "master" bedroom that has a half bath attached. The only thing that bothers me about the place is thatthere is only 1 full bath in it. 5 people, 1 shower. Ew.
If the house isn't quite right then there's the option of getting a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment, which would most likely have a lower person to shower ratio. I've been pretty spoiled. Last year I had a bathroom all to myself, even now I only have to share the bathroom in my house when my sister comes home or if Matt is up, and sharing a bathroom with them isn't a problem at all.
Either way, I plan on taking pictures and trying to figure out what we're going to do. Oh yeah, and find a job. Sweet.
old roommate, Mary, her boyfriend Matt, and my Matt. If all things work out, it'll be the four of us and her brother in a house. Matt and I would get 2 rooms upstairs As would her brother, and Matt and Mary would get the downstairs "master" bedroom that has a half bath attached. The only thing that bothers me about the place is thatthere is only 1 full bath in it. 5 people, 1 shower. Ew.
If the house isn't quite right then there's the option of getting a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment, which would most likely have a lower person to shower ratio. I've been pretty spoiled. Last year I had a bathroom all to myself, even now I only have to share the bathroom in my house when my sister comes home or if Matt is up, and sharing a bathroom with them isn't a problem at all.
Either way, I plan on taking pictures and trying to figure out what we're going to do. Oh yeah, and find a job. Sweet.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Pet Peeves
Okay, it's really only one pet peeve right now. Grammar, or the complete and total lack of it on the internet.
Basic rules (things that should have been taught in elementary school but have somehow been forgotten)
1. There are differences between "there" "they're" and "their," "too" "to" and "two," "right" and "write" and all the other ones that get mixed up.
2. If you are describing how an action makes you feel, the verb 9 times out of 10 should have an s at the end.
ex: Writing this makes me happy. Reading improper grammar annoys me. Having these pet peeves drives me crazy. The only exception is if the second half of the phrase is expressing something in the future (Writing incorrectly will drive me mad).
3. Abbreviations drive me nuts. You has 3 letters. Express yourself with intelligence. Please.
4. While I'm fairly certain that both examples are "grammatically acceptable," one does make you sound like more of an ass than the other.
I haven't eaten today vs. I've not eaten today. To me, the second one sounds pompous, and I cannot explain why.
5. A lot is two words. Check it out on spell check.
6. Lastly, if you don't know how to spell it, and you're writing it on the internet, please just go and check it on dictionary.com. It takes 3 seconds, and it spares you from having to phonetically spell out whatever it is you are trying to say. This does not apply to text messages, since that relies mostly on your prior knowledge of how to spell a word.
Rant over.
Basic rules (things that should have been taught in elementary school but have somehow been forgotten)
1. There are differences between "there" "they're" and "their," "too" "to" and "two," "right" and "write" and all the other ones that get mixed up.
2. If you are describing how an action makes you feel, the verb 9 times out of 10 should have an s at the end.
ex: Writing this makes me happy. Reading improper grammar annoys me. Having these pet peeves drives me crazy. The only exception is if the second half of the phrase is expressing something in the future (Writing incorrectly will drive me mad).
3. Abbreviations drive me nuts. You has 3 letters. Express yourself with intelligence. Please.
4. While I'm fairly certain that both examples are "grammatically acceptable," one does make you sound like more of an ass than the other.
I haven't eaten today vs. I've not eaten today. To me, the second one sounds pompous, and I cannot explain why.
5. A lot is two words. Check it out on spell check.
6. Lastly, if you don't know how to spell it, and you're writing it on the internet, please just go and check it on dictionary.com. It takes 3 seconds, and it spares you from having to phonetically spell out whatever it is you are trying to say. This does not apply to text messages, since that relies mostly on your prior knowledge of how to spell a word.
Rant over.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
What I'd like to Do....
What I'd really like to do is go on a rant. I'm not going to. You'll all just have to be rant-less.
What I will do is talk about my adventure into New York City today.
To start with, it isn't every day that I get to be in 3 states in as many hours (I'm pretty sure I did that when I went down to Baltimore last Friday, and I do that whenever I go down to Matt's... so okay it does happen but not normally on a Tuesday). I woke up early this morning, hopped in the car and headed out to Trenton Transit Station in Trenton, New Jersey. It's not a terribly exciting place, but it is the most convenient for me when traveling to New York. It requires minimal parking thought (there's a giant parking garage behind the station) and minimal travel thought. You buy the round trip ticket from Trenton to New York Penn Station, get on the train, and whoosh. It's the End of the Line for both stations, so whenever the train stops for good, you do too!
I arrived in New York around 10:30, met up with a friend from college and grabbed a really delicious breakfast at the Skylight Diner nearby. It's particularly tasty, I highly recommend you try it if you get a chance. I wish I could tell you how to get there, but I just don't know. I got scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and home fries, all of which were wonderful. Plus, they laid the bacon on top of everything like a little bacon blanket. I should have taken a picture, but you'll just have to use your imaginations. After we walked around toward the High Line, which is an old above ground elevated train track that has been converted into a garden of sorts. We walked around there (also no pictures, eesh) and it was beautiful. We also looked at some of the local street art (semi rogue artists who do the graffiti painting but not tagging. I do have pictures of this, which will be put onto facebook) which was incredible, then headed up to Union Square. I got an ice cream sandwich called a cartwheel, which is essentially a thin round chocolate cookie with a mound of soft serve ice cream poured in topped with another chocolate cookie. I also have a picture of that :) It brought me back to being 5 years old again, it was amazing. After that we met up with another one of my college friends, went to Whole Foods and got sodas. They were excellent, especially since it was ridiculously hot. After we headed up to Bryant Park, went into the Public Library, but not all the way because it was one flight of stairs too many, out to Grand Central Station, which I've never seen before but is simply beautiful and awe-inspiring, then crashed at a local pub called McGee's. Friend #2 met us there for dinner, which was pretty good pub fare, we watched a soccer match, and then I headed home.
All in all it was a pretty excellent adventure, I had a really good time. I'm not too sure when I will get to be back up there, but there certainly is more that I want to see. And maybe next time I will remember to charge my camera battery before I go!
What I will do is talk about my adventure into New York City today.
To start with, it isn't every day that I get to be in 3 states in as many hours (I'm pretty sure I did that when I went down to Baltimore last Friday, and I do that whenever I go down to Matt's... so okay it does happen but not normally on a Tuesday). I woke up early this morning, hopped in the car and headed out to Trenton Transit Station in Trenton, New Jersey. It's not a terribly exciting place, but it is the most convenient for me when traveling to New York. It requires minimal parking thought (there's a giant parking garage behind the station) and minimal travel thought. You buy the round trip ticket from Trenton to New York Penn Station, get on the train, and whoosh. It's the End of the Line for both stations, so whenever the train stops for good, you do too!
I arrived in New York around 10:30, met up with a friend from college and grabbed a really delicious breakfast at the Skylight Diner nearby. It's particularly tasty, I highly recommend you try it if you get a chance. I wish I could tell you how to get there, but I just don't know. I got scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and home fries, all of which were wonderful. Plus, they laid the bacon on top of everything like a little bacon blanket. I should have taken a picture, but you'll just have to use your imaginations. After we walked around toward the High Line, which is an old above ground elevated train track that has been converted into a garden of sorts. We walked around there (also no pictures, eesh) and it was beautiful. We also looked at some of the local street art (semi rogue artists who do the graffiti painting but not tagging. I do have pictures of this, which will be put onto facebook) which was incredible, then headed up to Union Square. I got an ice cream sandwich called a cartwheel, which is essentially a thin round chocolate cookie with a mound of soft serve ice cream poured in topped with another chocolate cookie. I also have a picture of that :) It brought me back to being 5 years old again, it was amazing. After that we met up with another one of my college friends, went to Whole Foods and got sodas. They were excellent, especially since it was ridiculously hot. After we headed up to Bryant Park, went into the Public Library, but not all the way because it was one flight of stairs too many, out to Grand Central Station, which I've never seen before but is simply beautiful and awe-inspiring, then crashed at a local pub called McGee's. Friend #2 met us there for dinner, which was pretty good pub fare, we watched a soccer match, and then I headed home.
All in all it was a pretty excellent adventure, I had a really good time. I'm not too sure when I will get to be back up there, but there certainly is more that I want to see. And maybe next time I will remember to charge my camera battery before I go!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Floatin' Through My Head
These are just a few things I'm thinking about, and since I can't put them together in any kind of cohesive way, you're getting a bullet list. Woo!
1. Today I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I like having days scheduled, especially when there are things that I want to do and know that I should do. However, I can't put any of them in place in a schedule until I know when at least one of them is taking place. Right now, I want to go to the gym, see my friend Brooke, eat dinner with Dad, and I have to go to my therapist. I don't want to go to the gym until I know when Brooke is free, and I don't know if I can do dinner with Dad until I know if my therapist pushed our session back to 8 instead of 7 (it takes about 40-50 minutes to get out there, and Dad doesn't get home until 5:45 at best so I'd have 25 minutes to cook and eat and that's not enough.) I am a scheduling freak. It's ok.
2. Speaking of the gym, I really want to go burn 1000 calories today. For the most part, working for 9 hours has helped keep off and get rid of some of my extra weight, but I put 3 pounds on at Matt's over the weekend (expected) and now I want to get rid of them. I had finally dropped back down into the 170s, a place I haven't been since freshman year. I want that body back so badly....
3. My weekend at Matt's was really wonderful. It's probably one of the best weekends I've ever had with him, and what's weird is that I really can't remember specifically why it was so good. We went out to dinner, we talked a lot, we didn't fight... I got to see some of his friends. All in all it was really excellent. I miss him, and I wish we lived closer together. I think the best part was that he had Sunday off, it's been a long time since I've been able to sleep in with him, I've really missed that.
4. I don't want to live at home anymore. That's nothing new, but lately Dad's been rubbing me the wrong way. He'll say something in a cheery voice but all I hear is "criticism criticism not good enough should be doing something else." I hope that the internship I want actually exists so I can get out.
Alrighty, that's all there is for right now. I'll probably write something else later. Possibly having to do with the fact that Crisfield, Maryland is located in an absolutely gorgeous part of Maryland. With pictures.
1. Today I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants. I like having days scheduled, especially when there are things that I want to do and know that I should do. However, I can't put any of them in place in a schedule until I know when at least one of them is taking place. Right now, I want to go to the gym, see my friend Brooke, eat dinner with Dad, and I have to go to my therapist. I don't want to go to the gym until I know when Brooke is free, and I don't know if I can do dinner with Dad until I know if my therapist pushed our session back to 8 instead of 7 (it takes about 40-50 minutes to get out there, and Dad doesn't get home until 5:45 at best so I'd have 25 minutes to cook and eat and that's not enough.) I am a scheduling freak. It's ok.
2. Speaking of the gym, I really want to go burn 1000 calories today. For the most part, working for 9 hours has helped keep off and get rid of some of my extra weight, but I put 3 pounds on at Matt's over the weekend (expected) and now I want to get rid of them. I had finally dropped back down into the 170s, a place I haven't been since freshman year. I want that body back so badly....
3. My weekend at Matt's was really wonderful. It's probably one of the best weekends I've ever had with him, and what's weird is that I really can't remember specifically why it was so good. We went out to dinner, we talked a lot, we didn't fight... I got to see some of his friends. All in all it was really excellent. I miss him, and I wish we lived closer together. I think the best part was that he had Sunday off, it's been a long time since I've been able to sleep in with him, I've really missed that.
4. I don't want to live at home anymore. That's nothing new, but lately Dad's been rubbing me the wrong way. He'll say something in a cheery voice but all I hear is "criticism criticism not good enough should be doing something else." I hope that the internship I want actually exists so I can get out.
Alrighty, that's all there is for right now. I'll probably write something else later. Possibly having to do with the fact that Crisfield, Maryland is located in an absolutely gorgeous part of Maryland. With pictures.
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