Dear Stephen,
Where on earth to begin with you. You've been a good thing and a bad thing all wrapped up into a ball of... I don't even know what.
Why don't we start with the good. You're strong and you're kind, and you came into my life at a point where I believed that I deserved exactly how I was treated and that I should settle for the level of understanding that came with it. You showed me that other people found me interesting and attractive, funny and kind, and that I didn't, and shouldn't have to settle for what I was given. You sent me constant little reminders that I was in your thoughts, and I soaked up that kind of attention like a sponge.
However, you don't believe me when I say I'm not really ready for what you want. I can't handle being completely committed to one person right now, and you pushing and wanting it and me knowing I can't provide it is driving me crazy. I know the physical limitation isn't something you were expecting either. You went off to Mexico thinking I was going to be all about you when you got back, and instead I handed you a list of rules and regulations. You barely got a hug goodbye out of me when I saw you next.
I just... I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of my next boyfriend, and well... there are some areas that you fall kind of short. I really need someone who can spell. It drives me insane having to decipher your text messages and read "no" as "know" and "know" as "now." I will never understand your logic on that one. I need someone who cares about learning and furthering their education as much as I do. It would be nice to have someone who likes to read. You have the ambition and drive but dear god do you complain about where you are all the time. I get it. You're unhappy. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. And if you are doing something about it... then look forward to the doing something and stop focusing on how awful right now is (I know this is something I suffer from, too, and something, having seen it in someone else, that I am going to stop immediately). You lack sensitivity. You've never once tried to impress me. And if you have... well, you didn't. I don't get guns, I don't like killing animals for fun, I don't really care too much about cars, fishing is gross, and I don't like to drink to the point where I can't remember how I got into bed. I want someone I can take to museums with me and will enjoy being there, or wants to go to a play or to the city and walk around, or the zoo because animals are adorable not because you think it would be so awesome to hunt one in the wild.
I digress.
In the end, you're wasting your time and I don't really know how to tell you more obviously than I already have. All it's going to do is just hurt you, and I'm really tired of hurting people, especially when it's completely unnecessary. So that's why I'm texting you less, and I'm not telling you I'm home in Pennsylvania because I really just don't want to hang out.
I'm sorry, I know you expected much more, but I just don't have anything left to give.
Liz
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
You Already Know
Dear you, you know who you are,
I know this is probably a futile gesture. I know that you will interpret it as you will, and honestly, there's nothing I can do to prevent that.
I meant what I said last night. This isn't some sort of vindictive or jealous out lash. It isn't me being angry and cutting you off out of spite. I hope that maybe a month from now, we can try this again, and you'll see that the distance was good.
At the very least, let this hurt that you have now, or this anger, or whatever emotion it is that you're feeling, drive the two of you together. Even if it is a bond against me, me being a bitch, me being cruel, me being heartless, it's something that strengthens what you have. And believe me, you will need that connection to be strong for what you're about to do together.
I hope she's as wonderful and exciting and fun as you thought at the beginning and that the original impression doesn't fade. I hope you're happy together. I wish there was a way you could see the sincerity of those words, but I know it'll be misconstrued as sarcastic or biting. I don't feel even the slightest bit bitter. I feel sad, but more in a nostalgic sense than I did at the beginning. What we had was good. I wish I had seen more of that towards the end, but I still believe that my decision was the right one. We both needed to mature, and maybe one day it'll work, but I think at this point, most likely not.
I do want you as a friend. Down the road, not right now. I don't think you're capable of it. I don't think I'm capable of it.
After all, I'm always right ;)
With love,
Liz
I know this is probably a futile gesture. I know that you will interpret it as you will, and honestly, there's nothing I can do to prevent that.
I meant what I said last night. This isn't some sort of vindictive or jealous out lash. It isn't me being angry and cutting you off out of spite. I hope that maybe a month from now, we can try this again, and you'll see that the distance was good.
At the very least, let this hurt that you have now, or this anger, or whatever emotion it is that you're feeling, drive the two of you together. Even if it is a bond against me, me being a bitch, me being cruel, me being heartless, it's something that strengthens what you have. And believe me, you will need that connection to be strong for what you're about to do together.
I hope she's as wonderful and exciting and fun as you thought at the beginning and that the original impression doesn't fade. I hope you're happy together. I wish there was a way you could see the sincerity of those words, but I know it'll be misconstrued as sarcastic or biting. I don't feel even the slightest bit bitter. I feel sad, but more in a nostalgic sense than I did at the beginning. What we had was good. I wish I had seen more of that towards the end, but I still believe that my decision was the right one. We both needed to mature, and maybe one day it'll work, but I think at this point, most likely not.
I do want you as a friend. Down the road, not right now. I don't think you're capable of it. I don't think I'm capable of it.
After all, I'm always right ;)
With love,
Liz
Sunday, June 20, 2010
For Myself
Dear Me,
I know that I generally despise doing these kinds of letters, but I've caught you in a particularly good mood. What I want, more than anything else for you, is to hold on to that. Don't slip down the same slope that you did with Joe. Remember what you have and how good of a person you really are. Don't sell yourself short, and don't quantify happiness by being attached to other people. I mean really, look how that's worked out for most of the people you know/have dated.
You are amazing. You have just as much social grace and presence as your sister, you're as funny as your brother, you're as kind and caring as your father and you're as strong as your mother. These combined are an unstoppable force, if you let yourself remember they're there. And for the times that you forget, you have a wonderful and caring network of people who are there to help you get through the worst of anything.
You are blessed. You will never be alone in life, you will never be without someone to catch you when you stumble. There are so many people that you've met that want for you to succeed just as much as you do. And one day, you'll find the person that actually believes in you just as much as you do if not more so. Be patient. It'll come.
Get out there, stay active, keep up with getting in shape and being healthy just for yourself. And please, keep up with saying no.
I love you as is and as you will be.
Me
I know that I generally despise doing these kinds of letters, but I've caught you in a particularly good mood. What I want, more than anything else for you, is to hold on to that. Don't slip down the same slope that you did with Joe. Remember what you have and how good of a person you really are. Don't sell yourself short, and don't quantify happiness by being attached to other people. I mean really, look how that's worked out for most of the people you know/have dated.
You are amazing. You have just as much social grace and presence as your sister, you're as funny as your brother, you're as kind and caring as your father and you're as strong as your mother. These combined are an unstoppable force, if you let yourself remember they're there. And for the times that you forget, you have a wonderful and caring network of people who are there to help you get through the worst of anything.
You are blessed. You will never be alone in life, you will never be without someone to catch you when you stumble. There are so many people that you've met that want for you to succeed just as much as you do. And one day, you'll find the person that actually believes in you just as much as you do if not more so. Be patient. It'll come.
Get out there, stay active, keep up with getting in shape and being healthy just for yourself. And please, keep up with saying no.
I love you as is and as you will be.
Me
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Quick Hello, then back to letters
Hiya,
I'm taking a little break from unpacking all of my stuff. I moved all of my larger stuff down yesterday in the company pickup truck, which I have lovingly named "The Boss." If they didn't get such crap gas mileage and if they had better turning radii I would absolutely get a pickup to joyride in. Y'know, when I have enough money to have a car to joyride in.
As of right now all of my housemates are out at work. This seems to be the normal trend, they'll more or less all be waiter/waitressing by the time I get home from my 830-5 job. I leave the house around 7-715, get home around 630-7, most of them work the evening shift, so they'll leave around 4-5, and get home around 12. I'm in bed by 11 at the latest... so pretty much the only time I'll see them is if they have off or a random weekend morning/late night.
This process has been a little sad for me. This is where Matt and I were supposed to make our first "home." I know if he was here he'd be my company because he'd be working normal hours like I do. Dealing with the loneliness is the hardest part.
I do like my solitude though. Maybe this will give me enough time or an excuse to get some art projects underway. I have 4 canvasses that are begging to be played with, as well as a blank sketchbook that needs to be worked on. I'm also planning on studying for my second crack at the GREs and to put together my portfolio and applications for grad school. OH, and look for a real job (not that Dad's isn't a real job, it's just that I'm guaranteed work only through the summer. Not. Good.)
This is also the first June I've ever spent in Newark. We'll see how it goes.
Back to unpacking for me, back to your regularly scheduled programming for you.
I'm taking a little break from unpacking all of my stuff. I moved all of my larger stuff down yesterday in the company pickup truck, which I have lovingly named "The Boss." If they didn't get such crap gas mileage and if they had better turning radii I would absolutely get a pickup to joyride in. Y'know, when I have enough money to have a car to joyride in.
As of right now all of my housemates are out at work. This seems to be the normal trend, they'll more or less all be waiter/waitressing by the time I get home from my 830-5 job. I leave the house around 7-715, get home around 630-7, most of them work the evening shift, so they'll leave around 4-5, and get home around 12. I'm in bed by 11 at the latest... so pretty much the only time I'll see them is if they have off or a random weekend morning/late night.
This process has been a little sad for me. This is where Matt and I were supposed to make our first "home." I know if he was here he'd be my company because he'd be working normal hours like I do. Dealing with the loneliness is the hardest part.
I do like my solitude though. Maybe this will give me enough time or an excuse to get some art projects underway. I have 4 canvasses that are begging to be played with, as well as a blank sketchbook that needs to be worked on. I'm also planning on studying for my second crack at the GREs and to put together my portfolio and applications for grad school. OH, and look for a real job (not that Dad's isn't a real job, it's just that I'm guaranteed work only through the summer. Not. Good.)
This is also the first June I've ever spent in Newark. We'll see how it goes.
Back to unpacking for me, back to your regularly scheduled programming for you.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
For Matthew
It seems fitting that the first in a series of letters would be directed to the most important person in my recent life. Please let me know if I should take it down.
June 8, 2010
Dear Matt,
There are a thousand things I want to say to you. It's been a month since I ended things, and for some reason it still feels as raw as yesterday.
I loved you more than anyone on this planet. I loved you more than I ever thought I was capable of. Every day it hurts to know that that love is dying and that one day it will just be a fond memory of a time when I thought I had it all figured out and that I could be truly happy. It hurts every day to know that I've lost my best friend. It hurts worse to know it was my own doing. I have constant flashbacks of when we were together, of when things were good and simple, when I could look forward to October 22 and feel great and excited, when I could fall asleep and know you'd still love me when I woke up, crazy and all. I miss that stability. I miss your laugh.
I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for not respecting what you want out of life or what you think is important. I'm sorry for putting your needs so definitively second to my own. I'm sorry I need as much as I do.
There's no need to go over why I did it, especially not in a public field. We've been over it and it doesn't need to be brought back up.
I wish I was capable of being your friend. I would love to be able to gracefully handle my new role, to be able to hear about you dating and moving on without the stab of jealousy and regret. I wish I could be better to you, but I know that pushing the friendship now will only lead to animosity later, either from you or from me. It's something I learned about myself from Joe. I handle breakups terribly, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship was before.
What I want for you more than anything, despite what my broken and inconsistant heart blurts out, is for you to be happy in everything. For you to love everything in your life and to be completely satisfied. I hope you find someone who makes you happier than you ever thought possible and who loves you more completely than I could. You were the best thing to happen to me, I needed you and you were always there for me. It was the hardest realization of my life to see that neither of us would be completely happy with the other down the road. It demanded too much of both of us. You are an incredible person, loving and sensitive with a wicked sense of humor and a wealth of knowledge at your disposal. Some of my favorite conversaions have been with you over the smallest things. I'm going to miss that more than you might ever know.
I want all the best in the world for you,
With love,
Liz
June 8, 2010
Dear Matt,
There are a thousand things I want to say to you. It's been a month since I ended things, and for some reason it still feels as raw as yesterday.
I loved you more than anyone on this planet. I loved you more than I ever thought I was capable of. Every day it hurts to know that that love is dying and that one day it will just be a fond memory of a time when I thought I had it all figured out and that I could be truly happy. It hurts every day to know that I've lost my best friend. It hurts worse to know it was my own doing. I have constant flashbacks of when we were together, of when things were good and simple, when I could look forward to October 22 and feel great and excited, when I could fall asleep and know you'd still love me when I woke up, crazy and all. I miss that stability. I miss your laugh.
I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for not respecting what you want out of life or what you think is important. I'm sorry for putting your needs so definitively second to my own. I'm sorry I need as much as I do.
There's no need to go over why I did it, especially not in a public field. We've been over it and it doesn't need to be brought back up.
I wish I was capable of being your friend. I would love to be able to gracefully handle my new role, to be able to hear about you dating and moving on without the stab of jealousy and regret. I wish I could be better to you, but I know that pushing the friendship now will only lead to animosity later, either from you or from me. It's something I learned about myself from Joe. I handle breakups terribly, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship was before.
What I want for you more than anything, despite what my broken and inconsistant heart blurts out, is for you to be happy in everything. For you to love everything in your life and to be completely satisfied. I hope you find someone who makes you happier than you ever thought possible and who loves you more completely than I could. You were the best thing to happen to me, I needed you and you were always there for me. It was the hardest realization of my life to see that neither of us would be completely happy with the other down the road. It demanded too much of both of us. You are an incredible person, loving and sensitive with a wicked sense of humor and a wealth of knowledge at your disposal. Some of my favorite conversaions have been with you over the smallest things. I'm going to miss that more than you might ever know.
I want all the best in the world for you,
With love,
Liz
Monday, May 31, 2010
Big Changes and Little Quirks
Lots of life changes have been going on over the past week. Let's do a list!
1. I quit my job. Last Thursday was my last day at work for either Bill or Winterhouse. I think it's a good feeling, I won't have to be up at 6 am every morning. Granted, I'm only going to be working for my dad, and it's probably going to be work that I don't particularly enjoy, but I'll be paid well and I'll be able to get out of the house.
2. Speaking of getting out of the house, I moved my first load of things into my new room(s). I have two bedrooms in a little house down in Newark. One I'm using for a studio/office/library, the other is just my straight bedroom. I'm still working on the whole "how all my stuff is going to fit into two little rooms" thing, but I think I can get everything in to where it needs to be. Fingers crossed.
3. I'm heading out to California!!! I'm leaving on Wednesday morning and coming back late on Sunday. I'm excited, I haven't spent any time out there at all and it'll be really good to see my brother. Plus, he knows how to have a good time and will know where to go to loosen up a little.
4. I'm thinking about getting a job at Applebee's, Mary makes good money, and all of my roommates work there. It'd be kind of fun to try, just for a little. If I don't get anything else by August, I'll do that.
Quirks, Likes, and other things:
1. Honeysuckle, fresh baked blueberry muffins, and the smell after a summer thunderstorm are three of my favorite smells on earth.
2. I graduated from school exactly one year ago yesterday. I find it a little funny that on this day last year I was frantically packing up all of my things to move home, now I'm packing frantically to move out of it. I think it's a more positive thing than coming home ever was.
3. I love having things organized but I'm way too lazy to keep it up. I really need to have a thing once a week where I can just pick up whatever I need to and reorganize my life. Routines do me well.
4. There are NO LA Fitnesses in Delaware. Guess I'm canceling my subscription and finding a new gym/rejoining hot yoga.
I guess that's all there is for now. I don't have much else to talk about and this whole post has been pretty disjointed. I'm feeling hopeful and excited about what is going to happen next in my life, I can't wait to see where it takes me.
1. I quit my job. Last Thursday was my last day at work for either Bill or Winterhouse. I think it's a good feeling, I won't have to be up at 6 am every morning. Granted, I'm only going to be working for my dad, and it's probably going to be work that I don't particularly enjoy, but I'll be paid well and I'll be able to get out of the house.
2. Speaking of getting out of the house, I moved my first load of things into my new room(s). I have two bedrooms in a little house down in Newark. One I'm using for a studio/office/library, the other is just my straight bedroom. I'm still working on the whole "how all my stuff is going to fit into two little rooms" thing, but I think I can get everything in to where it needs to be. Fingers crossed.
3. I'm heading out to California!!! I'm leaving on Wednesday morning and coming back late on Sunday. I'm excited, I haven't spent any time out there at all and it'll be really good to see my brother. Plus, he knows how to have a good time and will know where to go to loosen up a little.
4. I'm thinking about getting a job at Applebee's, Mary makes good money, and all of my roommates work there. It'd be kind of fun to try, just for a little. If I don't get anything else by August, I'll do that.
Quirks, Likes, and other things:
1. Honeysuckle, fresh baked blueberry muffins, and the smell after a summer thunderstorm are three of my favorite smells on earth.
2. I graduated from school exactly one year ago yesterday. I find it a little funny that on this day last year I was frantically packing up all of my things to move home, now I'm packing frantically to move out of it. I think it's a more positive thing than coming home ever was.
3. I love having things organized but I'm way too lazy to keep it up. I really need to have a thing once a week where I can just pick up whatever I need to and reorganize my life. Routines do me well.
4. There are NO LA Fitnesses in Delaware. Guess I'm canceling my subscription and finding a new gym/rejoining hot yoga.
I guess that's all there is for now. I don't have much else to talk about and this whole post has been pretty disjointed. I'm feeling hopeful and excited about what is going to happen next in my life, I can't wait to see where it takes me.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Quarter Life Crisis
Everything comes together and everything falls apart. This is not going to be a happy post, so if you don't want to read about my bitching, then find a different site to occupy your time.
The past three weeks have felt like building a house of cards. You get to the last two, everything is going beautifully, then someone walks by and the whole thing crumbles. I feel like my mother, and that's not a good thing. Push came to shove, I was faced with a decision, and I panicked. I tore everything down and am left staring at what I have left, which isn't much. My relationship failed (correction, I wrecked my relationship), my dream job fell through, I'm going to be paying rent on a house I can't live in until August at the earliest. The GREs, while not a disaster, are going to have to be retaken.
48 hours can really fuck with you.
I got a letter from my senior year of high school self. I wish she could have known what was coming, I wish she could have seen what would happen to her. I miss being that strong. I miss feeling that confident. I miss trusting that someone will love me as I am and that that person will be the right one for me. I've learned over the past 5 years that love fails. That you can love whoever you want, love is not selective. Love doesn't know who will be right for you or wrong for you, who will lift you up or tear you down. I want me back.
I came to the realization that I lost her, that 17 year old me. I lost her certainty, her determination, her utter belief that things happen for a reason and that reason is good. I lost faith that I am something worthwhile. I know where I lost it, and more or less when, but I can't really figure out why. How did I go from a person who loved herself unconditionally to someone who hates so much of what she's done and who she's become? I've loved more fiercely and completely than I ever did in high school, and I think that passion has wrecked me. I'm petty. I'm low. For as caring and compassionate as I can be in a relationship, I'm vicious and unforgiving afterward. I hate exgirlfriend me. I really do.
So with everything falling out of place, I've come to a point where I have to decide what to do next. There are only so many days you can sit and do nothing, there is a point where you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and push through. I'll fake it as best as I can until I can get to the point where I don't have to lie and say I'm fine. I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic but all I can think of is how I want to run as far and as fast as I can away from here. So what am I doing? I'm quitting my job next week. I'm going out to California for a few days, then coming back for the summer to work for my dad. I'm going to look for a job in Wilmington, move in with Mary, Matt, and Jess. I'm going to apply for grad school, both at Delaware and in England. If someone takes me, I'm going, I don't care where it is. I'll find a way to pay for it or take out a loan or who knows what. I almost hope that Delaware rejects me and UCL takes me. I want to get away more than anything else. I need adventure, I need some way to reinvent who I've become and get to the person I want to be. I want to get past this.
Also, I swear to God if one more person tells me to keep my chin up or make the best of my situation I will snap. I got me here. Let me wallow in the shit I made for me.
The past three weeks have felt like building a house of cards. You get to the last two, everything is going beautifully, then someone walks by and the whole thing crumbles. I feel like my mother, and that's not a good thing. Push came to shove, I was faced with a decision, and I panicked. I tore everything down and am left staring at what I have left, which isn't much. My relationship failed (correction, I wrecked my relationship), my dream job fell through, I'm going to be paying rent on a house I can't live in until August at the earliest. The GREs, while not a disaster, are going to have to be retaken.
48 hours can really fuck with you.
I got a letter from my senior year of high school self. I wish she could have known what was coming, I wish she could have seen what would happen to her. I miss being that strong. I miss feeling that confident. I miss trusting that someone will love me as I am and that that person will be the right one for me. I've learned over the past 5 years that love fails. That you can love whoever you want, love is not selective. Love doesn't know who will be right for you or wrong for you, who will lift you up or tear you down. I want me back.
I came to the realization that I lost her, that 17 year old me. I lost her certainty, her determination, her utter belief that things happen for a reason and that reason is good. I lost faith that I am something worthwhile. I know where I lost it, and more or less when, but I can't really figure out why. How did I go from a person who loved herself unconditionally to someone who hates so much of what she's done and who she's become? I've loved more fiercely and completely than I ever did in high school, and I think that passion has wrecked me. I'm petty. I'm low. For as caring and compassionate as I can be in a relationship, I'm vicious and unforgiving afterward. I hate exgirlfriend me. I really do.
So with everything falling out of place, I've come to a point where I have to decide what to do next. There are only so many days you can sit and do nothing, there is a point where you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and push through. I'll fake it as best as I can until I can get to the point where I don't have to lie and say I'm fine. I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic but all I can think of is how I want to run as far and as fast as I can away from here. So what am I doing? I'm quitting my job next week. I'm going out to California for a few days, then coming back for the summer to work for my dad. I'm going to look for a job in Wilmington, move in with Mary, Matt, and Jess. I'm going to apply for grad school, both at Delaware and in England. If someone takes me, I'm going, I don't care where it is. I'll find a way to pay for it or take out a loan or who knows what. I almost hope that Delaware rejects me and UCL takes me. I want to get away more than anything else. I need adventure, I need some way to reinvent who I've become and get to the person I want to be. I want to get past this.
Also, I swear to God if one more person tells me to keep my chin up or make the best of my situation I will snap. I got me here. Let me wallow in the shit I made for me.
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