Wow it's been a while. This post is dedicated to the fact that I spout a lot of bullshit, and I'm recognizing that.
To anyone who is so fortunate to have found someone already that they want to and can spend the rest of their lives with them, congratulations. I wish I was that lucky. I would love to wake up every day with Matt, but due to outside issues, it doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon.
On that note, for as much as I say I want to do my own thing and forge my own path in life, I absolutely hate being alone. I know I've said to some people that you should live on your own, get to know who you are as a person blah blah blah before entering in too quickly, but screw it. I know myself well enough to know that I'd sabotage anything that comes my way when I'm lonely. I get paranoid, jump to insane conclusions, feel unloved and ignored after about 20 minutes of being completely by myself. It's not good.
I know myself well enough to recognize that while I hate being alone, being with someone all the time all the time all the time can kill a relationship. Although, I would almost rather have the problem be that we see eachother too much rather than not enough. It's looking like it will have been a month at least before I see Matt again, and that is really depressing. I hate that distance and I hate feeling so disconnected. Talking at night is getting harder because work keeps wearing me out and I fall asleep before we even get the chance to say hello.
If I could, and I know that this is so against the mantra from one of my earlier posts, I would absolutely hop on the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with him. If I wasn't crazy, or felt external pressures of grad school and the sucky economy and family issues, I would be hunting for apartments already. Seeing as those issues do exist, I'm miserable and wish that Salisbury and Dresher weren't so horribly far apart. If it was just an hour I could go and see him every other night at the worst, or at least get to see him for a little bit. More so than now.
This is probably one of the toughest stages of our relationship, especially since the end of this distance seems so far away. Unless the economy picks up and I get over the guilt of leaving my father alone in this monster house, it's looking like years. Years is a long time. Months is a long time. Weeks even. There are times when I wish I could just smoosh the two worlds closer, but it doesn't work.
I'm afraid, and I don't like it.
