Got the internship!!! I guess I must have done something right : )
I start June 10th, 3 days a week, 6 hours a day. I'm excited.
Also, just took my last final ever. I think it could have gone better.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Limited, Internships, and The End of College
Monday afternoon, approximately 20 minutes before one of my classes, I received a call from Winterthur to schedule an interview. I was ecstatic, naturally. I had applied for an unpaid internship and hadn't heard anything back (mainly because I'm much less consistant about reading my gmail than my udmail). However, they wanted to meet on Wednesday. Two days later. I agreed, hung up, and then went into full fledged panic.
I've been moving stuff out of my apartment willy nilly over the past couple of weeks, and naturally I had to cut a large amount of my clothing just to make the final haul easier. One of the first things to go, again because I just wasn't thinking, were my dress pants and nicer shirts. And even if I did have them, I would still not have anything really professional to wear.
Tuesday afternoon, less than 24 hours before I'm supposed to meet them, I head to the Christiana Mall. After a totally hopeless look around the department store, I headed out to The Limited. I knew they had more business-y looking things, but I never imagined how much of it I absolutely love. I want to be a business professional. And buy everything ever from their store.
Everything they have is flattering. The jackets have cute cuts, interesting details, good structure. Every coat I put on made me feel skinny. Every skirt I put on made me feel sexy. I want everything they have. EVERYTHING. I've never had anything that fit that well, it was almost tailor made for my body. Crazy. So yes, all of my professional wear shopping will be bought there, and I highly recommend that every other female in the world do it too. Plus the sales associate was so helpful and was pulling things for me to try. I finally settled on a black skirt with cute stitching and a matching short sleeve black jacket, and one of the best fitting button down shirts I've ever seen. I am in love with a store.
Anyway, finally properly dressed for the job I showed up 20 minutes early. I think the interview went really well, I've always loved Winterthur, and ever since I figured out the back roads the drive has become as beautiful as the place. I really hope that I get the internship, even if it is unpaid and Winterthur is an hour from my house in Philly. We're surveying the silver in the estate and evaluating the condition of the laquer coating that was applied 25 years ago to see how bad the damage is and to prioritize what gets fixed first. I love the country estate, I've only been in it once but I could spend all day there. It's beautiful. Everything is beautiful. I want to be there. Only thing is now I have to brush back up on my chemistry, because dear goodness is that rusty and a half.
After the interview I went and talked with Mark Anderson, one of the furniture conservators at Winterthur. He was extremely helpful and I should have introduced myself ages ago after talking to him on the phone. I need to just suck it up sometimes and not be so shy. Anyway, he gave me a list of people to call and ask about possible work or help or anything and a list of books that I should get if I want to be in this field.
As for the end of college...
I turned in my last paper on Tuesday. I had my last critiques on Wednesday. Tuesday next week is my final for History of Rock. Today I have an optional internship meeting over 6 hours that I will attend most of. Thursday following I turn in all of my reports for my internship. Saturday is Graduation. Sunday I move out. Crazy crazy crazy.
I've been moving stuff out of my apartment willy nilly over the past couple of weeks, and naturally I had to cut a large amount of my clothing just to make the final haul easier. One of the first things to go, again because I just wasn't thinking, were my dress pants and nicer shirts. And even if I did have them, I would still not have anything really professional to wear.
Tuesday afternoon, less than 24 hours before I'm supposed to meet them, I head to the Christiana Mall. After a totally hopeless look around the department store, I headed out to The Limited. I knew they had more business-y looking things, but I never imagined how much of it I absolutely love. I want to be a business professional. And buy everything ever from their store.
Everything they have is flattering. The jackets have cute cuts, interesting details, good structure. Every coat I put on made me feel skinny. Every skirt I put on made me feel sexy. I want everything they have. EVERYTHING. I've never had anything that fit that well, it was almost tailor made for my body. Crazy. So yes, all of my professional wear shopping will be bought there, and I highly recommend that every other female in the world do it too. Plus the sales associate was so helpful and was pulling things for me to try. I finally settled on a black skirt with cute stitching and a matching short sleeve black jacket, and one of the best fitting button down shirts I've ever seen. I am in love with a store.
Anyway, finally properly dressed for the job I showed up 20 minutes early. I think the interview went really well, I've always loved Winterthur, and ever since I figured out the back roads the drive has become as beautiful as the place. I really hope that I get the internship, even if it is unpaid and Winterthur is an hour from my house in Philly. We're surveying the silver in the estate and evaluating the condition of the laquer coating that was applied 25 years ago to see how bad the damage is and to prioritize what gets fixed first. I love the country estate, I've only been in it once but I could spend all day there. It's beautiful. Everything is beautiful. I want to be there. Only thing is now I have to brush back up on my chemistry, because dear goodness is that rusty and a half.
After the interview I went and talked with Mark Anderson, one of the furniture conservators at Winterthur. He was extremely helpful and I should have introduced myself ages ago after talking to him on the phone. I need to just suck it up sometimes and not be so shy. Anyway, he gave me a list of people to call and ask about possible work or help or anything and a list of books that I should get if I want to be in this field.
As for the end of college...
I turned in my last paper on Tuesday. I had my last critiques on Wednesday. Tuesday next week is my final for History of Rock. Today I have an optional internship meeting over 6 hours that I will attend most of. Thursday following I turn in all of my reports for my internship. Saturday is Graduation. Sunday I move out. Crazy crazy crazy.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Eeeeeeesh....
I need to learn to check what I say when I'm angry or on a roll. Things have a rather unfortunate way of getting back to the people you're talking about. Granted, I really don't care about having any kind of relationship with that person, but for Matt's sake, I should really tone it down. While I don't really feel guilty about actually saying what I did, I do feel badly that it's made things more difficult and has created more drama.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The art of slacking
I do believe it is an art. At the very least there's a science to it, and I like to believe that I have juuuuuust about perfected it.
College was described to me when I was in high school to be approximately 5 times as much work as high school was. I would like to disagree. The literal amount of work that they assign is comparable to high school, the actual amount of work required is significantly less. At least, on the surface, it is. There is so much more downtime in college than there was in high school, and class now has that sort of "optional" feel, depending on the class. For instance, people skip class just to skip it and sleep, if they don't feel well, or if they feel like that time could be spent doing something else productive (This last one is my reason for today. We'll ignore the fact for now that I've spent the past 45 minutes putzing around the internet).
I have discovered that a minimal amount of work is actually necessary to do well in a course. Do the readings beforehand, if it's a literature course, if it's a lecture on history or something, generally the book readings aren't helpful until studying for the test. Professors cover the material you were required to read, and the majority of them say that if it wasn't covered in class, it won't be on the test. Reading after the class makes it so you only read what is necessary. Granted, there are some interesting things you could learn if you read all of everything, but I'm not talking about going above and beyond. I've had this method since high school and so far it's landed me on Dean's List for the past 3 semesters (the first two years had one semester on Dean's List, the others were doomed by chemistry and failing relationships).
Basic Rules:
1. Make sure you do the reading for lit classes. This will make your professor happy, plus you'll be able to talk about it in class. Generally, part of your grade for these types of classes comes from participation. Kill two birds with one stone by being prepared. If you feel like you can't come up with anything interesting to say besides "I liked it" you can quick google a quick lit analysis, or sparknotes the important themes.
2. The paper can, in fact, be written the night before. This applies mostly to shorter papers that are 2-6 pages long and don't require any research. The most important part for this to be successful is to make sure you read over it and edit it quickly before you hand it in the morning it is due. It's pretty simple. Longer papers, and papers that require research should be started a few days in advance. Research papers can be written all in one go, as long as the research is there to pull from. Longer papers are generally a two or three day process for me, and also should be looked over once before handing in, at least if the paper was finished the night before. Also, make sure you have your citations reference guide open at the same time so you can double check your work is consistent.
3. Test studying can also be done the day before. I'd give it the majority of the day, doing an hour or so here and there. I like to do it by reading the book, then looking over the notes, then any other information sources that may be applicable (music samples for music classes, slides for art classes and the like). Harder tests, or tests that you know you know nothing for because you either a) slept through the class half the time or b) just cannot understand the material should be started much earlier. I'd give it 3 days. 2 classes that applied to this rule were Microeconomics because I slept AND didn't understand it, and chem for the same reasons.
4. Art projects are something that require more time, and you should utilize the class time to the best of your ability. If it requires outside work, then go for it, but plan accordingly. If you are painting a still life, and one of the objects is yours, paint it last because that part can be filled in at home. If you're doing something that is a composite of real life and an image, save the image for last because that can be done at home. These tend to be things that are a little harder to put off, so I tend to be more on top of them than other classes.
And that is my guide to slacking. Joy.
College was described to me when I was in high school to be approximately 5 times as much work as high school was. I would like to disagree. The literal amount of work that they assign is comparable to high school, the actual amount of work required is significantly less. At least, on the surface, it is. There is so much more downtime in college than there was in high school, and class now has that sort of "optional" feel, depending on the class. For instance, people skip class just to skip it and sleep, if they don't feel well, or if they feel like that time could be spent doing something else productive (This last one is my reason for today. We'll ignore the fact for now that I've spent the past 45 minutes putzing around the internet).
I have discovered that a minimal amount of work is actually necessary to do well in a course. Do the readings beforehand, if it's a literature course, if it's a lecture on history or something, generally the book readings aren't helpful until studying for the test. Professors cover the material you were required to read, and the majority of them say that if it wasn't covered in class, it won't be on the test. Reading after the class makes it so you only read what is necessary. Granted, there are some interesting things you could learn if you read all of everything, but I'm not talking about going above and beyond. I've had this method since high school and so far it's landed me on Dean's List for the past 3 semesters (the first two years had one semester on Dean's List, the others were doomed by chemistry and failing relationships).
Basic Rules:
1. Make sure you do the reading for lit classes. This will make your professor happy, plus you'll be able to talk about it in class. Generally, part of your grade for these types of classes comes from participation. Kill two birds with one stone by being prepared. If you feel like you can't come up with anything interesting to say besides "I liked it" you can quick google a quick lit analysis, or sparknotes the important themes.
2. The paper can, in fact, be written the night before. This applies mostly to shorter papers that are 2-6 pages long and don't require any research. The most important part for this to be successful is to make sure you read over it and edit it quickly before you hand it in the morning it is due. It's pretty simple. Longer papers, and papers that require research should be started a few days in advance. Research papers can be written all in one go, as long as the research is there to pull from. Longer papers are generally a two or three day process for me, and also should be looked over once before handing in, at least if the paper was finished the night before. Also, make sure you have your citations reference guide open at the same time so you can double check your work is consistent.
3. Test studying can also be done the day before. I'd give it the majority of the day, doing an hour or so here and there. I like to do it by reading the book, then looking over the notes, then any other information sources that may be applicable (music samples for music classes, slides for art classes and the like). Harder tests, or tests that you know you know nothing for because you either a) slept through the class half the time or b) just cannot understand the material should be started much earlier. I'd give it 3 days. 2 classes that applied to this rule were Microeconomics because I slept AND didn't understand it, and chem for the same reasons.
4. Art projects are something that require more time, and you should utilize the class time to the best of your ability. If it requires outside work, then go for it, but plan accordingly. If you are painting a still life, and one of the objects is yours, paint it last because that part can be filled in at home. If you're doing something that is a composite of real life and an image, save the image for last because that can be done at home. These tend to be things that are a little harder to put off, so I tend to be more on top of them than other classes.
And that is my guide to slacking. Joy.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Due to Insomnia
It's 12:45 am. I should be sound asleep right now, but instead, on the night before the morning when I have to be up at 6 am to take a roll of film, my brain is stubbornly awake. This unfortunate state has left me to think about all kinds of things, from Italian short stories and novels, to my ex-boyfriend and wondering just how badly he fucked me up.
Anyway, let's talk about my persistent fear of abandonment. That's what's been bothering me mostly. It's been in conversations everywhere, including one that I just had with Matt not too long ago. I'd like to say my fear spawned when I was little, but I don't think that's quite true. Granted, my dad did leave me in the mall for a good 20 minutes (he claims it was much less, and that he didn't leave me, he went up the escalator and didn't realize I wasn't behind him), but I still can't say that it was so traumatic to scar me for the rest of my life. I don't know when it started. I do know, most definitively, that this fear has seriously scarred me in my relationships and in how I deal with people in general.
I need to keep an eye on everyone. I feel the need, when I'm out with a group of people, to know where everyone is. It's like I'm afraid that if one person starts going, then the rest will, and viola, there I am on my own. For instance, I went to Italy (I can't remember if I posted this earlier or not) but we went into a church as a group. We were allowed to wander around, and one by one, I lost sight of everyone. I scoured the church, I looked everywhere that I was allowed to go. After a frantic 5 minutes of silent freak-out and panic, I decided that I would go outside. If they weren't outside, I'd go back to the hotel and wait. When I walked out the door, there was everyone, just smiling and laughing. They'd intentionally left. Not as a mean joke, and certainly not knowing that I am absolutely paranoid, but they'd cleared out and no one had told me. I went back to the hotel and cried for 20 minutes.
I have a hard time trusting people in relationships. This one I know spawned from ex. There are few things more damaging to someone's psyche than to have someone feed you the expectation that you'll be together for a good long while (perhaps not forever, I don't think we ever got to the marriage talk, but we discussed kids and moving in together and the like) just to one day have them no longer be interested. Two years of intensity, gone up in smoke like someone just cut the switch. It's... bizarre. This was then followed by a second, sort of half boyfriend half disaster who fed me the same lines. That I was the perfect girl. I was The One. No one could possibly be better for him than me. After I told him I didn't think it would work out, a day later he was on to the next one and saying he was over me like I was nothing. Anyway, since then, whenever someone says that I'm the love of their life, and that they'll never leave me, I have a little voice inside me that says "Oh yeah? How long do you plan on keeping that up? When's your little switch going to turn off and you just look past me?"
I worry that I drive people away. I see myself in relationships doing things that are mean, or petty, or nitpicky and naggy. I see it. I hear what I'm saying and I think to myself "Christ, you're being a bitch. Knock it off." I can see the aggravation growing and I know that I'm pushing buttons. I see it build and build and I worry that one day, since I can't stop myself, I'm going to push to far and they'll up and go. I know that it's not all me, and that I'm not as bad as I see myself, but I've sat and disected my last relationships and I feel like in a way it was my fault. I know the majority wasn't, I've come to terms with that, but I am just worried that whatever percentage was my part is going to be more than what Matt can take.
It's not even just in relationships. It's in friendships, too. I worry that I sleep in too much or stay in my room too much and that my roomates don't like it. I worry that I forget to pick up something that I was supposed to and they'll be mad. I worry that I lose track of time and miss a party that I had promised to go to and they'll never speak to me again. I worry that I show up late to a bar when the other person has been punctual to a tee that they'll be mad at me forever or hold it against me. It's a continual fear that if I do something wrong people will leave me. I'm terrified of it, and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm fully aware, in my own rational self, that this isn't true. I know that Matt loves me, and that he sees past and accepts me for all that I am: nagging, poking, annoying, but loving and caring and supportive. I know that my friends have pulled me through hell and that I've been there for them to do the same, and I know that me showing up late once isn't going to ruin that. But there's always that fear that maybe this will be the time I've pushed too far. Maybe this is the time they won't forgive me for who I am. Maybe they'll stop loving me, too.
I get defensive. I over react. I expect the worst. I set up my guard, just in case that this time, they won't smile and laugh it off. It's even in normal conversation with Matt. If we have a problem, we talk it out, and that's one of the things I love about him. The only thing is that we talk things out very slowly. It's a lot of "talk-pause-process-pause-respond-pause-process" and in that time when he's processing I think he's mad. Or if I throw him a curveball, because a lot of the things I get mad over have deeper roots (Dear God do I need a therapist just so they can sort me out) he gets thrown off guard and I think that he's hurt. And then I get upset that I upset him, and wish I hadn't said anything at all. Then he gets upset that I'm upset that he's upset that I'm upset with him. It just goes on sometimes. I just assume that everyone is going to react like I would: Badly. So I prepare for myself, which is, most of the time, overkill. And dead wrong.
I could really just go on. I'm sure that it's not that bad. I'm sure that I have redeeming qualities. I just feel so wrapped up in the negative that I can't break free at the moment. I'm so worried all the time. It worries Matt. It's a cycle. He can calm me down though. There's no reason for me to be so uptight, but I guess it's just how I am right now.
Here to hoping for a mellower tomorrow.
Anyway, let's talk about my persistent fear of abandonment. That's what's been bothering me mostly. It's been in conversations everywhere, including one that I just had with Matt not too long ago. I'd like to say my fear spawned when I was little, but I don't think that's quite true. Granted, my dad did leave me in the mall for a good 20 minutes (he claims it was much less, and that he didn't leave me, he went up the escalator and didn't realize I wasn't behind him), but I still can't say that it was so traumatic to scar me for the rest of my life. I don't know when it started. I do know, most definitively, that this fear has seriously scarred me in my relationships and in how I deal with people in general.
I need to keep an eye on everyone. I feel the need, when I'm out with a group of people, to know where everyone is. It's like I'm afraid that if one person starts going, then the rest will, and viola, there I am on my own. For instance, I went to Italy (I can't remember if I posted this earlier or not) but we went into a church as a group. We were allowed to wander around, and one by one, I lost sight of everyone. I scoured the church, I looked everywhere that I was allowed to go. After a frantic 5 minutes of silent freak-out and panic, I decided that I would go outside. If they weren't outside, I'd go back to the hotel and wait. When I walked out the door, there was everyone, just smiling and laughing. They'd intentionally left. Not as a mean joke, and certainly not knowing that I am absolutely paranoid, but they'd cleared out and no one had told me. I went back to the hotel and cried for 20 minutes.
I have a hard time trusting people in relationships. This one I know spawned from ex. There are few things more damaging to someone's psyche than to have someone feed you the expectation that you'll be together for a good long while (perhaps not forever, I don't think we ever got to the marriage talk, but we discussed kids and moving in together and the like) just to one day have them no longer be interested. Two years of intensity, gone up in smoke like someone just cut the switch. It's... bizarre. This was then followed by a second, sort of half boyfriend half disaster who fed me the same lines. That I was the perfect girl. I was The One. No one could possibly be better for him than me. After I told him I didn't think it would work out, a day later he was on to the next one and saying he was over me like I was nothing. Anyway, since then, whenever someone says that I'm the love of their life, and that they'll never leave me, I have a little voice inside me that says "Oh yeah? How long do you plan on keeping that up? When's your little switch going to turn off and you just look past me?"
I worry that I drive people away. I see myself in relationships doing things that are mean, or petty, or nitpicky and naggy. I see it. I hear what I'm saying and I think to myself "Christ, you're being a bitch. Knock it off." I can see the aggravation growing and I know that I'm pushing buttons. I see it build and build and I worry that one day, since I can't stop myself, I'm going to push to far and they'll up and go. I know that it's not all me, and that I'm not as bad as I see myself, but I've sat and disected my last relationships and I feel like in a way it was my fault. I know the majority wasn't, I've come to terms with that, but I am just worried that whatever percentage was my part is going to be more than what Matt can take.
It's not even just in relationships. It's in friendships, too. I worry that I sleep in too much or stay in my room too much and that my roomates don't like it. I worry that I forget to pick up something that I was supposed to and they'll be mad. I worry that I lose track of time and miss a party that I had promised to go to and they'll never speak to me again. I worry that I show up late to a bar when the other person has been punctual to a tee that they'll be mad at me forever or hold it against me. It's a continual fear that if I do something wrong people will leave me. I'm terrified of it, and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm fully aware, in my own rational self, that this isn't true. I know that Matt loves me, and that he sees past and accepts me for all that I am: nagging, poking, annoying, but loving and caring and supportive. I know that my friends have pulled me through hell and that I've been there for them to do the same, and I know that me showing up late once isn't going to ruin that. But there's always that fear that maybe this will be the time I've pushed too far. Maybe this is the time they won't forgive me for who I am. Maybe they'll stop loving me, too.
I get defensive. I over react. I expect the worst. I set up my guard, just in case that this time, they won't smile and laugh it off. It's even in normal conversation with Matt. If we have a problem, we talk it out, and that's one of the things I love about him. The only thing is that we talk things out very slowly. It's a lot of "talk-pause-process-pause-respond-pause-process" and in that time when he's processing I think he's mad. Or if I throw him a curveball, because a lot of the things I get mad over have deeper roots (Dear God do I need a therapist just so they can sort me out) he gets thrown off guard and I think that he's hurt. And then I get upset that I upset him, and wish I hadn't said anything at all. Then he gets upset that I'm upset that he's upset that I'm upset with him. It just goes on sometimes. I just assume that everyone is going to react like I would: Badly. So I prepare for myself, which is, most of the time, overkill. And dead wrong.
I could really just go on. I'm sure that it's not that bad. I'm sure that I have redeeming qualities. I just feel so wrapped up in the negative that I can't break free at the moment. I'm so worried all the time. It worries Matt. It's a cycle. He can calm me down though. There's no reason for me to be so uptight, but I guess it's just how I am right now.
Here to hoping for a mellower tomorrow.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Countdown
Less than one month left before graduation. Here's the basic countdown:
Thursday- Honors Day
Friday- Head to Syracuse for Brother's Graduation
Saturday- SU Graduation
One week of classes
Another week of classes
Memorial Day Weekend
Finals Week
Graduation- May 30th
Move back home- May 31st
Less than a MONTH, people! I keep going back and forth between being excited to get out and being depressed that I won't be here anymore. It probably hasn't helped that the weather has been as fickle as my mood and that the Swine Flu has made a nationwide news appearance here on campus. Nothing quite like walking to class and seeing people in respirator masks. Good times. Hopefully the hype will die down, and we can get back on with our lives without being afraid of going outside. And maybe the sun will shine again soon, too.
Thursday- Honors Day
Friday- Head to Syracuse for Brother's Graduation
Saturday- SU Graduation
One week of classes
Another week of classes
Memorial Day Weekend
Finals Week
Graduation- May 30th
Move back home- May 31st
Less than a MONTH, people! I keep going back and forth between being excited to get out and being depressed that I won't be here anymore. It probably hasn't helped that the weather has been as fickle as my mood and that the Swine Flu has made a nationwide news appearance here on campus. Nothing quite like walking to class and seeing people in respirator masks. Good times. Hopefully the hype will die down, and we can get back on with our lives without being afraid of going outside. And maybe the sun will shine again soon, too.
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