Jessica

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

My roommate, Jess, passed away on Monday of two weeks ago.  She was in a bad car accident and never woke up.  Surviving this loss is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It sits like a weight on my chest and drags me down to where everything that's happy is wrong.  I'm sulky, I'm disagreeable, I cry at the drop of a hat...  I'm angry with a God I don't believe in.

I want to believe.  I want to believe that she's in heaven and that everything is great and that she had some special mission here to fill our lives with whatever joy she brought.  She was good at that.  She was honest and understanding and funny and caring... she was one of my favorite people even though I only knew her for 6 months.  Instead I just keep imagining her there at the viewing, in a coffin, nothing left of who she was but a body.  And that body is now tucked away in the ground, off in some far corner of an astoundingly large cemetary, a highlighted rectangle on a map.

I will never hear her laugh again.  I will never see her smile.  I will never hear her yell at the dogs or see her play with Harvey or paint her toes or dance around the kitchen with a glass of wine.

I'm lost in it.  I don't know how to get out.

The Grand Move

Hey All,

Well, it's a time to settle here at the new offices.  Things are falling into their appropriate place, people are getting into a groove, we're all figuring out how to deal with each other and how to get here on time.

Friday of last week we packed up all of our things, the entire CSR HVAC group, the credit department, and the Hearth and Home Department, and moved out to the branch in Valley Forge.  Benefits? No city sales tax, so when we shop or eat or get paid, it's 6% tax instead of 8.  There's a Wawa right on the corner, gas is only $2.55.  The desks are newer, the space is brighter, there's more food, less traffic in the immediate area, and if we have parts questions, bam there's the store right through the door.  We're also getting to know the people in the other departments better, which is good.  And I'm getting to know people in my department better just based on seating.  Bob shares half of a desk, Sam's diagonal from me. Jess is just behind the pole, and Brandon is closer too.  Also, I've gotten to wear jeans for the past three days, and I intend on doing it again tomorrow.

Downsides?  It takes me an hour and 20 minutes on a good day to get out here.  It's consistantly taken me an hour and 45 to 2 hours to get home.  It's over 100 miles of driving a day.  The traffic on 202 is atrocious.  People suck at driving.  Some people are unhappy because it's ridiculously far away for some of them. Parking is sometimes interesting, I'm not sure exactly how many spots we get.  Also, I don't see my family every day, and no more free lunches from Dad.

On the whole, it's been a pretty good experience.  We'll see how I feel when it gets colder and it gets harder for me to get out of bed at 5:45-6 and I'm spending pretty much the entire time it's light outside either at work or on the way home.  Beyond that, I enjoy where I live, and I don't mind what I do.  The people are good, and so are some of the customers.  All in all, I can't complain.

Hope everyone else is doing no worse than that.

Promises to Myself

I don't know how exactly it happened, but I've become a serious shopaholic.  It's disasterous, especially when I know I can afford the things I'm buying.  However, I can't afford to keep spending this way and buy a new car.  I can't believe the ridiculous amount of money that I'm blowing through.

So here are a few promises to myself:

1. No going to the mall, DSW, or outlet stores.  You've got plenty of clothes, plenty of bags, and more shoes than you can shake a stick at.  You can go back in November to do some Christmas shopping, but no more ridiculous purchases for yourself.  You have more than enough.

2.  You're going to eat out at least for lunch, try to keep it under $15.  Go grocery shopping for dinner instead of going out, and don't cave when your roommates are all ordering something. 

3.  Start running again.  This doesn't have much to do with saving money, but if you're out running, you're not out shopping.  AVOID WEBSITES.  It is way too easy to just order something when you already know how it fits.

4.  Try to keep the dry cleaning to twice a month.  While it's something that I think is worth splurging on because the washer at the house eats clothing, try to be a little neater or learn to handwash some of the pieces.

5.  STOP DRINKING.  Okay, granted this hasn't really been that big of a deal, especially when the roommates are giving you things for free, but seriously, cut back where you can.


Alright, I think those are ones I can stick to.  I think.  I hope.

And quite possibly as soon as Friday I may have a new baby.  I've named it Bill.  He looks like a panther.

For My Roommates

Dear Mary, Jess, Matt, Penny, Tully/Poof, Churizzo, and Harvey,

You have been lifesavers.  I don't know if you know how much or at all, but you've been the best thing to happen to me during this pretty rough period in my life.

Mary, you're absolutely one of my best friends.  I can tell you anything, there is no awkwardness, and I know that no matter what you will give me an honest answer.  I truly believe you have my best interest at heart and want me to be happy just as much as you want to be.  In the short time we've known each other you've become one of the people I trust the most, and know that if I want to come home and dump my worries you won't mind, or if I want to come home and just drink wine and watch ridiculous home makeover shows, that's fine too. You're my rock and I love you.

Jess,  you bring out the wild in me, which I love.  I'm more adventurous, more willing to stay up later and slack on sleep to just spend some time with everyone.  You drag out my inner "party" girl, which really just consists of wanting to go out to bars and have fun and not care.  You've made me more carefree, and I really like that.  Plus you're a great roommate, you're respectful and keep things fair.

Matt, I love you like a second brother.  You know how to make me laugh.  You let my little gamer nerd come out.  You also make adorable noises when the puppies play.  Keep on keepin' on.

Penny and Tully/Poofy/thing, I LOVE YOU.  You make coming home an adventure and something to look forward to.  I needed unconditional love, I needed something that's sweet and wriggly and cuddly and you two are it.  You melt my heart and you heal my hurt.  My one complaint, learn to poop outside.

Churizzo, you give me something interesting to talk about.  Who has a hedgehog, honestly?  I don't get to play with you much, but you're still part of this household that makes my life better, so thanks are due to you too.

Harvey, please love me.  I think I'm growing on you, day by day, but I can't be sure it's not just because I'm the first one home after you've been left alone with the crazy puppies.  Keep up the King of the Mountain trick, it's really cute.  I wish I had more space on my phone and time in my day to just watch you guys interact.  Too cute.

You're the loves of my life right now, all of you, I need you and I'm so glad I've done this.

Love love love,
Liz

For Stephen

Dear Stephen,

Where on earth to begin with you.  You've been a good thing and a bad thing all wrapped up into a ball of... I don't even know what.

Why don't we start with the good.  You're strong and you're kind, and you came into my life at a point where I believed that I deserved exactly how I was treated and that I should settle for the level of understanding that came with it.  You showed me that other people found me interesting and attractive, funny and kind, and that I didn't, and shouldn't have to settle for what I was given.  You sent me constant little reminders that I was in your thoughts, and I soaked up that kind of attention like a sponge.

However, you don't believe me when I say I'm not really ready for what you want.  I can't handle being completely committed to one person right now, and you pushing and wanting it and me knowing I can't provide it is driving me crazy.  I know the physical limitation isn't something you were expecting either.  You went off to Mexico thinking I was going to be all about you when you got back, and instead I handed you a list of rules and regulations.  You barely got a hug goodbye out of me when I saw you next. 

I just... I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of my next boyfriend, and well... there are some areas that you fall kind of short.  I really need someone who can spell.  It drives me insane having to decipher your text messages and read "no" as "know" and "know" as "now." I will never understand your logic on that one.  I need someone who cares about learning and furthering their education as much as I do.  It would be nice to have someone who likes to read.  You have the ambition and drive but dear god do you complain about where you are all the time.  I get it.  You're unhappy.  DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  And if you are doing something about it... then look forward to the doing something and stop focusing on how awful right now is (I know this is something I suffer from, too, and something, having seen it in someone else, that I am going to stop immediately).  You lack sensitivity.  You've never once tried to impress me.  And if you have... well, you didn't.  I don't get guns, I don't like killing animals for fun, I don't really care too much about cars, fishing is gross, and I don't like to drink to the point where I can't remember how I got into bed.  I want someone I can take to museums with me and will enjoy being there, or wants to go to a play or to the city and walk around, or the zoo because animals are adorable not because you think it would be so awesome to hunt one in the wild.

I digress.

In the end, you're wasting your time and I don't really know how to tell you more obviously than  I already have.  All it's going to do is just hurt you, and I'm really tired of hurting people, especially when it's completely unnecessary.  So that's why I'm texting you less, and I'm not telling you I'm home in Pennsylvania because I really just don't want to hang out. 

I'm sorry, I know you expected much more, but I just don't have anything left to give.

Liz

You Already Know

Dear you, you know who you are,

I know this is probably a futile gesture.  I know that you will interpret it as you will, and honestly, there's nothing I can do to prevent that.

I meant what I said last night.  This isn't some sort of vindictive or jealous out lash.  It isn't me being angry and cutting you off out of spite.  I hope that maybe a month from now, we can try this again, and you'll see that the distance was good.

At the very least, let this hurt that you have now, or this anger, or whatever emotion it is that you're feeling, drive the two of you together.  Even if it is a bond against me, me being a bitch, me being cruel, me being heartless, it's something that strengthens what you have.  And believe me, you will need that connection to be strong for what you're about to do together.

I hope she's as wonderful and exciting and fun as you thought at the beginning and that the original impression doesn't fade.  I hope you're happy together.  I wish there was a way you could see the sincerity of those words, but I know it'll be misconstrued as sarcastic or biting.  I don't feel even the slightest bit bitter.  I feel sad, but more in a nostalgic sense than I did at the beginning.  What we had was good.  I wish I had seen more of that towards the end, but I still believe that my decision was the right one.  We both needed to mature, and maybe one day it'll work, but I think at this point, most likely not.

I do want you as a friend.  Down the road, not right now.  I don't think you're capable of it.  I don't think I'm capable of it.

After all, I'm always right ;)

With love,
Liz

For Myself

Dear Me,

I know that I generally despise doing these kinds of letters, but I've caught you in a particularly good mood.  What I want, more than anything else for you, is to hold on to that.  Don't slip down the same slope that you did with Joe.  Remember what you have and how good of a person you really are.  Don't sell yourself short, and don't quantify happiness by being attached to other people.  I mean really, look how that's worked out for most of the people you know/have dated.

You are amazing.  You have just as much social grace and presence as your sister, you're as funny as your brother, you're as kind and caring as your father and you're as strong as your mother.  These combined are an unstoppable force, if you let yourself remember they're there.  And for the times that you forget, you have a wonderful and caring network of people who are there to help you get through the worst of anything.

You are blessed.  You will never be alone in life, you will never be without someone to catch you when you stumble.  There are so many people that you've met that want for you to succeed just as much as you do.  And one day, you'll find the person that actually believes in you just as much as you do if not more so.  Be patient.  It'll come.

Get out there, stay active, keep up with getting in shape and being healthy just for yourself.  And please, keep up with saying no.

I love you as is and as you will be.

Me

Quick Hello, then back to letters

Hiya,

I'm taking a little break from unpacking all of my stuff.  I moved all of my larger stuff down yesterday in the company pickup truck, which I have lovingly named "The Boss."  If they didn't get such crap gas mileage and if they had better turning radii I would absolutely get a pickup to joyride in.  Y'know, when I have enough money to have a car to joyride in. 

As of right now all of my housemates are out at work.  This seems to be the normal trend, they'll more or less all be waiter/waitressing by the time I get home from my 830-5 job.  I leave the house around 7-715, get home around 630-7, most of them work the evening shift, so they'll leave around 4-5, and get home around 12.  I'm in bed by 11 at the latest... so pretty much the only time I'll see them is if they have off or a random weekend morning/late night. 

This process has been a little sad for me.  This is where Matt and I were supposed to make our first "home."  I know if he was here he'd be my company because he'd be working normal hours like I do. Dealing with the loneliness is the hardest part. 

I do like my solitude though.  Maybe this will give me enough time or an excuse to get some art projects underway.  I have 4 canvasses that are begging to be played with, as well as a blank sketchbook that needs to be worked on.  I'm also planning on studying for my second crack at the GREs and to put together my portfolio and applications for grad school.  OH, and look for a real job (not that Dad's isn't a real job, it's just that I'm guaranteed work only through the summer.  Not. Good.)

This is also the first June I've ever spent in Newark.  We'll see how it goes.

Back to unpacking for me, back to your regularly scheduled programming for you.

For Matthew

It seems fitting that the first in a series of letters would be directed to the most important person in my recent life. Please let me know if I should take it down.

June 8, 2010

Dear Matt,

There are a thousand things I want to say to you. It's been a month since I ended things, and for some reason it still feels as raw as yesterday.

I loved you more than anyone on this planet. I loved you more than I ever thought I was capable of. Every day it hurts to know that that love is dying and that one day it will just be a fond memory of a time when I thought I had it all figured out and that I could be truly happy. It hurts every day to know that I've lost my best friend. It hurts worse to know it was my own doing. I have constant flashbacks of when we were together, of when things were good and simple, when I could look forward to October 22 and feel great and excited, when I could fall asleep and know you'd still love me when I woke up, crazy and all. I miss that stability. I miss your laugh.

I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for not respecting what you want out of life or what you think is important. I'm sorry for putting your needs so definitively second to my own. I'm sorry I need as much as I do.

There's no need to go over why I did it, especially not in a public field. We've been over it and it doesn't need to be brought back up.

I wish I was capable of being your friend. I would love to be able to gracefully handle my new role, to be able to hear about you dating and moving on without the stab of jealousy and regret. I wish I could be better to you, but I know that pushing the friendship now will only lead to animosity later, either from you or from me. It's something I learned about myself from Joe. I handle breakups terribly, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship was before.

What I want for you more than anything, despite what my broken and inconsistant heart blurts out, is for you to be happy in everything. For you to love everything in your life and to be completely satisfied. I hope you find someone who makes you happier than you ever thought possible and who loves you more completely than I could. You were the best thing to happen to me, I needed you and you were always there for me. It was the hardest realization of my life to see that neither of us would be completely happy with the other down the road. It demanded too much of both of us. You are an incredible person, loving and sensitive with a wicked sense of humor and a wealth of knowledge at your disposal. Some of my favorite conversaions have been with you over the smallest things. I'm going to miss that more than you might ever know.

I want all the best in the world for you,
With love,
Liz

Big Changes and Little Quirks

Lots of life changes have been going on over the past week.  Let's do a list!

1. I quit my job.  Last Thursday was my last day at work for either Bill or Winterhouse.  I think it's a good feeling, I won't have to be up at 6 am every morning.  Granted, I'm only going to be working for my dad, and it's probably going to be work that I don't particularly enjoy, but I'll be paid well and I'll be able to get out of the house.

2. Speaking of getting out of the house, I moved my first load of things into my new room(s).  I have two bedrooms in a little house down in Newark.  One I'm using for a studio/office/library, the other is just my straight bedroom.  I'm still working on the whole "how all my stuff is going to fit into two little rooms" thing, but I think I can get everything in to where it needs to be.  Fingers crossed.

3. I'm heading out to California!!! I'm leaving on Wednesday morning and coming back late on Sunday.  I'm excited, I haven't spent any time out there at all and it'll be really good to see my brother.  Plus, he knows how to have a good time and will know where to go to loosen up a little.

4. I'm thinking about getting a job at Applebee's, Mary makes good money, and all of my roommates work there.  It'd be kind of fun to try, just for a little.  If I don't get anything else by August, I'll do that.

Quirks, Likes, and other things:

1. Honeysuckle, fresh baked blueberry muffins, and the smell after a summer thunderstorm are three of my favorite smells on earth.

2. I graduated from school exactly one year ago yesterday.  I find it a little funny that on this day last year I was frantically packing up all of my things to move home, now I'm packing frantically to move out of it.  I think it's a more positive thing than coming home ever was.

3. I love having things organized but I'm way too lazy to keep it up.  I really need to have a thing once a week where I can just pick up whatever I need to and reorganize my life.  Routines do me well.

4. There are NO LA Fitnesses in Delaware.  Guess I'm canceling my subscription and finding a new gym/rejoining hot yoga.


I guess that's all there is for now.  I don't have much else to talk about and this whole post has been pretty disjointed.  I'm feeling hopeful and excited about what is going to happen next in my life, I can't wait to see where it takes me.

Quarter Life Crisis

Everything comes together and everything falls apart. This is not going to be a happy post, so if you don't want to read about my bitching, then find a different site to occupy your time.

The past three weeks have felt like building a house of cards.  You get to the last two, everything is going beautifully, then someone walks by and the whole thing crumbles.  I feel like my mother, and that's not a good thing.  Push came to shove, I was faced with a decision, and I panicked.  I tore everything down and am left staring at what I have left, which isn't much.  My relationship failed (correction, I wrecked my relationship), my dream job fell through, I'm going to be paying rent on a house I can't live in until August at the earliest.  The GREs, while not a disaster, are going to have to be retaken.

48 hours can really fuck with you.

I got a letter from my senior year of high school self.  I wish she could have known what was coming, I wish she could have seen what would happen to her.  I miss being that strong.  I miss feeling that confident.  I miss trusting that someone will love me as I am and that that person will be the right one for me.  I've learned over the past 5 years that love fails.  That you can love whoever you want, love is not selective.  Love doesn't know who will be right for you or wrong for you, who will lift you up or tear you down.  I want me back.

I came to the realization that I lost her, that 17 year old me.  I lost her certainty, her determination, her utter belief that things happen for a reason and that reason is good.  I lost faith that I am something worthwhile.  I know where I lost it, and more or less when, but I can't really figure out why.  How did I go from a person who loved herself unconditionally to someone who hates so much of what she's done and who she's become?  I've loved more fiercely and completely than I ever did in high school, and I think that passion has wrecked me.  I'm petty.  I'm low.  For as caring and compassionate as I can be in a relationship, I'm vicious and unforgiving afterward.  I hate exgirlfriend me.  I really do.

So with everything falling out of place, I've come to a point where I have to decide what to do next.  There are only so many days you can sit and do nothing, there is a point where you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and push through.  I'll fake it as best as I can until I can get to the point where I don't have to lie and say I'm fine.  I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic but all I can think of is how I want to run as far and as fast as I can away from here.  So what am I doing?  I'm quitting my job next week.  I'm going out to California for a few days, then coming back for the summer to work for my dad.  I'm going to look for a job in Wilmington, move in with Mary, Matt, and Jess.  I'm going to apply for grad school, both at Delaware and in England.  If someone takes me, I'm going, I don't care where it is.  I'll find a way to pay for it or take out a loan or who knows what.  I almost hope that Delaware rejects me and UCL takes me.  I want to get away more than anything else.  I need adventure, I need some way to reinvent who I've become and get to the person I want to be. I want to get past this.

Also, I swear to God if one more person tells me to keep my chin up or make the best of my situation I will snap.  I got me here.  Let me wallow in the shit I made for me.

Sunday's for life changes

This Sunday I'm heading down to Newark to look at a house with my
old roommate, Mary, her boyfriend Matt, and my Matt. If all things work out, it'll be the four of us and her brother in a house. Matt and I would get 2 rooms upstairs As would her brother, and Matt and Mary would get the downstairs "master" bedroom that has a half bath attached. The only thing that bothers me about the place is thatthere is only 1 full bath in it. 5 people, 1 shower. Ew.

If the house isn't quite right then there's the option of getting a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment, which would most likely have a lower person to shower ratio. I've been pretty spoiled. Last year I had a bathroom all to myself, even now I only have to share the bathroom in my house when my sister comes home or if Matt is up, and sharing a bathroom with them isn't a problem at all.

Either way, I plan on taking pictures and trying to figure out what we're going to do. Oh yeah, and find a job. Sweet.

Pet Peeves

Okay, it's really only one pet peeve right now.  Grammar, or the complete and total lack of it on the internet.

Basic rules (things that should have been taught in elementary school but have somehow been forgotten)
1. There are differences between "there" "they're" and "their," "too" "to" and "two," "right" and "write" and all the other ones that get mixed up. 

2. If you are describing how an action makes you feel, the verb 9 times out of 10 should have an s at the end.
ex: Writing this makes me happy. Reading improper grammar annoys me. Having these pet peeves drives me crazy. The only exception is if the second half of the phrase is expressing something in the future (Writing incorrectly will drive me mad).

3. Abbreviations drive me nuts.  You has 3 letters.  Express yourself with intelligence.  Please.

4. While I'm fairly certain that both examples are "grammatically acceptable," one does make you sound like more of an ass than the other.
I haven't eaten today vs. I've not eaten today.  To me, the second one sounds pompous, and I cannot explain why.

5. A lot is two words.  Check it out on spell check. 

6. Lastly, if you don't know how to spell it, and you're writing it on the internet, please just go and check it on dictionary.com.  It takes 3 seconds, and it spares you from having to phonetically spell out whatever it is you are trying to say. This does not apply to text messages, since that relies mostly on your prior knowledge of how to spell a word.

Rant over. 

Whoops!

I forgot that I never posted the biopsy results! I don't have cancer, wooooooo!

What I'd like to Do....

What I'd really like to do is go on a rant.  I'm not going to.  You'll all just have to be rant-less. 

What I will do is talk about my adventure into New York City today.

To start with, it isn't every day that I get to be in 3 states in as many hours (I'm pretty sure I did that when I went down to Baltimore last Friday, and I do that whenever I go down to Matt's... so okay it does happen but not normally on a Tuesday). I woke up early this morning, hopped in the car and headed out to Trenton Transit Station in Trenton, New Jersey.  It's not a terribly exciting place, but it is the most convenient for me when traveling to New York.  It requires minimal parking thought (there's a giant parking garage behind the station) and minimal travel thought.  You buy the round trip ticket from Trenton to New York Penn Station, get on the train, and whoosh.  It's the End of the Line for both stations, so whenever the train stops for good, you do too!

I arrived in New York around 10:30, met up with a friend from college and grabbed a really delicious breakfast at the Skylight Diner nearby.  It's particularly tasty, I highly recommend you try it if you get a chance.  I wish I could tell you how to get there, but I just don't know.  I got scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and home fries, all of which were wonderful.  Plus, they laid the bacon on top of everything like a little bacon blanket.  I should have taken a picture, but you'll just have to use your imaginations.  After we walked around toward the High Line, which is an old above ground elevated train track that has been converted into a garden of sorts.  We walked around there (also no pictures, eesh) and it was beautiful.  We also looked at some of the local street art (semi rogue artists who do the graffiti painting but not tagging.  I do have pictures of this, which will be put onto facebook) which was incredible, then headed up to Union Square.  I got an ice cream sandwich called a cartwheel, which is essentially a thin round chocolate cookie with a mound of soft serve ice cream poured in topped with another chocolate cookie.  I also have a picture of that :)  It brought me back to being 5 years old again, it was amazing.  After that we met up with another one of my college friends, went to Whole Foods and got sodas.  They were excellent, especially since it was ridiculously hot.  After we headed up to Bryant Park, went into the Public Library, but not all the way because it was one flight of stairs too many, out to Grand Central Station, which I've never seen before but is simply beautiful and awe-inspiring, then crashed at a local pub called McGee's.  Friend #2 met us there for dinner, which was pretty good pub fare, we watched a soccer match, and then I headed home.

All in all it was a pretty excellent adventure, I had a really good time.  I'm not too sure when I will get to be back up there, but there certainly is more that I want to see.  And maybe next time I will remember to charge my camera battery before I go!

Floatin' Through My Head

These are just a few things I'm thinking about, and since I can't put them together in any kind of cohesive way, you're getting a bullet list. Woo!

1.  Today I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants.  I like having days scheduled, especially when there are things that I want to do and know that I should do.  However, I can't put any of them in place in a schedule until I know when at least one of them is taking place.  Right now, I want to go to the gym, see my friend Brooke, eat dinner with Dad, and I have to go to my therapist.  I don't want to go to the gym until I know when Brooke is free, and I don't know if I can do dinner with Dad until I know if my therapist pushed our session back to 8 instead of 7 (it takes about 40-50 minutes to get out there, and Dad doesn't get home until 5:45 at best so I'd have 25 minutes to cook and eat and that's not enough.) I am a scheduling freak.  It's ok.

2. Speaking of the gym, I really want to go burn 1000 calories today.  For the most part, working for 9 hours has helped keep off and get rid of some of my extra weight, but I put 3 pounds on at Matt's over the weekend (expected) and now I want to get rid of them.  I had finally dropped back down into the 170s, a place I haven't been since freshman year.  I want that body back so badly....

3. My weekend at Matt's was really wonderful.  It's probably one of the best weekends I've ever had with him, and what's weird is that I really can't remember specifically why it was so good.  We went out to dinner, we talked a lot, we didn't fight... I got to see some of his friends.  All in all it was really excellent.  I miss him, and I wish we lived closer together.  I think the best part was that he had Sunday off, it's been a long time since I've been able to sleep in with him, I've really missed that.

4.  I don't want to live at home anymore.  That's nothing new, but lately Dad's been rubbing me the wrong way.  He'll say something in a cheery voice but all I hear is "criticism criticism not good enough should be doing something else."  I hope that the internship I want actually exists so I can get out.

Alrighty, that's all there is for right now.  I'll probably write something else later. Possibly having to do with the fact that Crisfield, Maryland is located in an absolutely gorgeous part of Maryland.  With pictures.

A Study on Sleep

I haven't been sleeping lately.  Well, that's only partially true.  I've been getting about 4 hours of solid sleep, followed by 3 to 4 hours of restless, tossing and turning, staring at the clock sleep.  Friday, after Dad's knee surgery, I went to the local Rite-Aid and picked up 200 tablets of melatonin to help me sleep.

Melatonin is a natural substance that your body produces to make sure you stay asleep.  Apparently, I don't get nearly enough of this.  Also included in these little pills is 100% of your daily value of vitamin B6, which is something you're supposed to have to be happy.  Anyway, I took my first one last night.

I took it, brushed my teeth, changed into my pajamas, checked my emails and all the other things I do before climbing into bed, and when I finally laid back, my eyes just closed. My whole body felt heavy, but in a really good way.  Every way that I laid I was comfortable.  I fell asleep smiling.  I spent the first half asleep period dreaming I was a like a dandelion seed, floating over a giant field of buttercups and wildflowers on a wonderful summer breeze. 

Unfortunately, that lasted until about 3:30, about 5 hours after taking it.  After that, while my eyes stayed firmly shut, I wasn't comfortable.  I wasn't asleep. I had a headache pounding in my right temple.  I'm pretty sure that's what lead to my less-than-sunny mood.  I woke up sad, spent the beginning of the morning crying to Matt via text message about how my life is so terrible and lonely, finally snapped out of it around 2 or so, only to sink back into it again.  I can't quite blame it on the meds, since I've only taken it once and since I've been a complete emotional wreck over the past week, so it's probably a culmination of things.

Anyway, I'm going to try to take round 2 tonight and see if it goes well!

See you all in dreamland.

Long Time, No See

I would like to blame my lack of blogging on the fact that I haven't really been near a computer recently, or at least at a computer long enough to write a post.  Also, I have nothing of great interest to write about beyond the normal complaining about my life.

Anyway, here are today's two topics: Ramblin', and Freckle.


Ramblin'

I've discovered that I really do a lot better when I'm not in my house.  I find that days are boring, I go to work, go to the gym, sit and have dinner with Dad, watch a minimal amount of TV, and at the stroke of 10, I'm in bed to do it all over again. 

Granted, I like the gym, and my father can be good company, but this kind of  lifestyle tends to make me a shut in because it's a routine I can stick to.  I do love a good routine, although sometimes they make me crazy.  The difficulty is that by the time I get home and get some kind of exercise in, or even just showered, it's practically time to eat anyway, and I normally don't like going and doing things late at night because I like getting my 8 hours of sleep in order to be functional the next day.  No one really calls me either, so I figure no one really wants to see me, so I tend to not call them because I figure if they wanted to see me they would call.  It's a stupid system.

ANYWAY, that is not my point.  My point is that I have been getting out a little bit more.  I've spent a couple of nights out at my sister's place in Reading, which was a lot of fun because my sister is much more social than I am and she gets me out of my shell.  It's been really good, I've been out with my mom and down to see Matt a lot recently, and we normally get to go out a little bit then.  I need people to drag me out of my homebody shell.  I would be mostly content with just sitting at home reading a book, but I'd rather go out and see people and remember that I am, y'know, a relatively likable person. 

The only downside to all of this traveling is that in the past 3 weeks, I've slept in my own bed 3 or 4 times.  I do miss being able to be in my own space after a while, but I guess it's ok if I get out and get some social interaction.  On a side note, there are 3 things people can do to help prevent Alzheimer's: Eat healthy, Exercise, and Be Social.  I just thought that was interesting.

Freckle

I got a freckle removed on Tuesday and it has been a complete misery.  I was told it would be minimally painful and that most people could go back to work the very same day that they get it taken off.  LIARS.  I haven't been in to work since, I've spent most of my time lying down or sitting seriously slouched because any kind of "squat" positioning or walking or going up and down stairs is irritating and uncomfortable unless I readjust how I do everything.  It's also really disgusting looking and I cried when I first saw it because it looked so disfiguring.  I've gotten kind of used to it, but I still think it's ugly, and I can't wait for it to heal enough for me to not hate it.  I get the biopsy results sometime next week, so hopefully this whole process will be worth it.

Anyway, I think that's all for me today! I'm off to Matt's in a couple of hours, so that's something to look forward to!

Blatently Stolen. "Vices"

I took this from EmilyElizabeth's blog (if you're a random person checking in, then you should check her out, if you aren't, well, you should do it anyway.)

My top vices: Things I could not live without (in no particular order)

1 (-3). My iPhone (and various iPods)

I love my iPhone.  I knew how addicted I would be to have a phone with internet (I have a serious problem with checking things every 5 seconds), but I seriously don't know what to do with myself when I don't have it on me.  Last week I knew I was low on battery when I went to work.  It died, naturally, but then it wasn't showing that it was connected to any kind of charging source.  I freaked out.  I ended up taking it to the Apple store to have them fix it for me, and it turns out I am iPhone stupid because I didn't know to push the right buttons.  It's fine, which is great, but for the 12 hours that I had to resort to my old phone I was freaking out miserable.  It was like I'd cut off my own arm or something, I just did not know how to function.  Pathetic? Yes.  But I accept this.

I love my little nano.  It is probably the only thing that gets me through the gym.  I made up a bunch of playlists that are upbeat and great for running out frustration, and it's small enough that it's not a hassle to move back and forth from different machines.  Plus it's green, how can you not love it?

 I will admit, my classic does not get nearly enough love these days (between the iPhone and the nano, most basic functions are taken care of. Poor baby!) It is, however, fantastic for plane rides and long car drives down to Matt.  It has every single song I own on it, and there is still room to spare.  I love it so much.  It does mean that playlists are an absolute must because sometimes I'm just not in the mood for some of the things that pop up.

4. My car

Look at it.  Love it. My car is a 2003 gold Pontiac Aztek which I adore.  It holds more things than I can even think of, I managed to get the entirity of my freshman dorm into this car (including microwave and minifridge).  It is a tank.  I personally think it looks like a mountain lion, and his name is Xander.  This car has been up to Syracuse, down to Maryland, out to Gettysburg, it's hit a divider on the highway, it's been hit by a bird.  I put 100 miles a day on it over the summer, and the only things wrong with it are the lights that show what gear you're in don't light up anymore and the cruise control (which I never ever use anyway) doesn't work.  70,000 miles and counting...

5. My Keurig (and their Chai Latte)

I love my Keurig.  I especially love the Chai Latte, because it is delicious and only 70 calories for the K-cup.  But mostly because it is delicious :)  I normally don't like a lot of the coffee they offer, but they make some fabulous teas and this little number.  Nothing better than instant tea gratification!

6.  My boyfriend :)

 

 This is my absolute favorite picture of the two of us together (photo taken by Bleavitt). I think he just looks adorable.  If you've read any of my past posts, you know what Matthew means to me, if not, it's an awful lot.  He makes me happy, and while it isn't a perfect relationship (I don't think they exist, all relationships require work) it's really, really good.  We fight, but I think we have fun more than we fight.  We make each other happy, and that's all that matters, right?

7. Conservation, or at least the hope that I will get to do it one day.

I love what I do.  I love being involved in art, I love being involved in prolonging the life of an object.  I like giving it a history, researching where it's been, who painted it, why they might have painted it this way, researching the colors used, the materials, all of the chemical analysis.  There is such a sense of satisfaction at the end of a project, no matter how many ups and downs, near disasters or mistakes there may have been during the treatment, no matter how many frustrations there have been during the analysis and research, when you can see the final result.  You can look at where you started and where you are now, and know how much you have helped that object.  It's like healing people, but they're objects.  It's something that just captures my interest, and I love it.  It has... gotten in the way at times, my passion is something that I will pursue for forever, and because of it's specific nature I can't go live wherever I want.  I need a city with museums, or an area with artists who need private conservators.  Those can't exactly be found just anywhere.  But after having that satisfaction, after finding something that I care about that makes me happy in my work life, I can't just give that up at the drop of a hat.  I've done other jobs, and nothing thusfar has made me anywhere close to as happy as this does.

Alrighty, I guess that's it.  Those are some of the things I just could not do without :)

Vagabond

I came to a realization yesterday when I drove back from Matt's. I don't really have a "home" home anymore, and it feels sort of weird to think about it.

The house where all of my stuff is, all of my clothes and my bed, and where I grew up doesn't have the same home feel. This is part the fact that Mom moved out, but also partly because this place ceased being the center of my world when I graduated high school. My friends aren't here anymore, I pretty much use the house as a place to crash after work. Yes, it's familiar, there are thousands of memories scampering through every corner of the building, but it's not the same. I feel sort of badly that this doesn't feel like home, especially since I feel like my dad is really hoping that I'll stay for longer. It's just not the right place for me to be.

My Mom's is a perfectly fine place to visit, but it's not really home either. It's like fake revisiting my college roomie days, where I have my own room to a certain extent, and it's nice to see my mom and to hang out and eat dinner. But that apartment never has been and most likely never will be "home" to me. I don't leave any stuff there, the room I stay in is a technical guest room but I think I visit and stay over more frequently than anyone else. The other non-home feature is that I don't have a key, I have to be let in every time.

Matt's, in all honesty, is more like a home than anywhere else has been recently. We go out, we see his (our?) friends, we get to be with each other. I have a key now, which is nice, especially if I'm coming down when either he or his mom isn't home, or if either of them are out at work I can leave and feel safe in knowing the house is locked. The main problem is that it isn't our house.  He still lives with his mom (no complaints, it saves money, she lets us more or less do whatever we want, and I like her a lot), but we can't just run around the house however we want, and there's always that sort of "oh is this ok?" aspect on my part.  I keep a bunch of stuff down there now, partially because I've forgotten it and partially because it's just easier to not have to pack and repack every time I head down.  I think what makes it the most like home is because Matt is there, and nothing feels quite right when he's not around.  I don't quite know how to describe it, but everything feels more like home when he's there, even if it's nowhere at all.  I'd trade a good day up here on my own for a crappy day down there with him just because it would be with him.  My good and exciting days up here aren't as good or exciting as they could be because I can't come back home and tell him all about them in person and snuggle up and talk.  It's little things like that that make a place home, and I don't have those here.

It was just something on my mind.

Just a couple thoughts

I haven't updated in a while, I thought it was about time to post something!

1.  Dad just came in to say goodnight.  He smelled like Listerine and was wearing his retainers.  He's kind of adorable sometimes.  Also, maybe because I'm wearing running shoes and he was barefoot, but I feel like he's getting shorter, or I'm getting taller.  I'm hoping for the former, I couldn't stand to be taller than I am. 

2.  I have put on every friggin' pound I lost before London in November.  DAMNIT.  Granted, I haven't been getting to the gym or eating particularly healthy, so it's to be expected, but I swear from the lightest I was Freshman year to now I've put on 45 pounds.  I'd be happy dropping about 30 of those to start, about 35-40 to be really really happy.  I know I'm still pretty, and I do like having curves, but when I see people from high school or those super skinny in shape girls at the gym (not the emaciated ones, those make me sad) I want to just stop eating and run on a treadmill until there's nothing left on my body but muscle.  I hate feeling jiggly, I hate not fitting into clothes, I hate being the size I am.  My main problem is that I don't have a "oh I shouldn't eat that, I'm trying to be healthy" attitude, I have a "Hell yeah I'll have two slices of cake and double helpings because it's TASTY!" attitude.  My attitude does not help lose weight.  That and I'm still not 100% honest with myself about the fact that my metabolism is so not what it used to be.

3.  I've gotten into the habit of checking everything all the time.  Forums for comics, my emails, random things on the internet.  It's like I can't entertain myself unless I'm doing something on my phone.  Ridiculous.  I need to read a book.

4.  I've been studying for the GREs and they scare the crap out of me.  I'm super nervous about them because I basically get one shot, at least for free.  Dad is paying for the first test, if I feel like I should retake it, it's $160 on me.  Ouch.  I guess that's why I'm trying to prep ahead of time as much as possible.  3 months and counting.

5.  I really wish I'd been able to drive down to see Matt tonight instead of waiting to tomorrow.  I've been up since 5:45, which is probably not great for driving, as well as the fact that the roads were kind of iffy this morning.  I figure I'll shoot to be there around the time he gets home from work.  Hopefully I'll be able to get into his driveway.

6.  I miss snuggling.

7.  I never seem to get to the point where EVERYTHING is put away.  I get about 90% of the way there, and then there's laundry that's up drying that isn't put away, or there are things on my desk that should really be sorted.  Last night I slept with DVDs on half of my bed because I just couldn't be bothered to put them where they belong before I fell asleep.  I don't know why I am this way.  I really love organization, but I tend to tackle too much at once.

Anyway, that's about it.  We got crazy amounts of snow over the past week, I think we had a total of about 40 inches at my house.  We have a 5 or 6 foot tall pile next to my driveway just from clearing the front path and part of the drive.  There are two more giant piles at the bottom of the driveway, you kind of have to pray no one is coming when you go to leave. Hope you all are having a great week!

Movin' On Up

Alright, so I'm not technically moving anywhere at the moment, but I do have some fun developements at least.

Today I signed up to take the GREs and downloaded a study program from the company that sponsors it. I also got a couple books and looked up deadlines for grad schools.  It feels like I'm at least getting started on the rest of my life, which I think is a good thing.  I'm also looking at additional part-time work to help me save up a little money to get out of the house.

Also, I talked to one of my roommates from last year and she and her boyfriend are planning on renting a house come June and will have extra room for me to move in (should I get the job at Winterthur.  If there even is a job to be had.)  Rent would be ridiculously cheap, and I'd be living with people I like again!

All in all it's kind of exciting.  All I have to do is get through the next couple of months.

Snow

Snow is probably my second favorite meteorological event.  My first is definitely raging thunderstorms with big flashes of lightning, loud bangs of thunder, and pounding rain, especially if they knock out the power and I don't have anywhere to go.  There's something soothing about sitting in candlelight and listening to rain hit the roof.

Snow, however, is so peaceful in comparison.  I love the quiet that falls over the world when the snow is falling.  I love how pristine it looks, how soft and fluffy it is, and how it falls and sticks to the world.  I love how the moon reflects off it at night and makes everything bright and sparkling.  It never fails to make me feel calmer and more relaxed (this is, of course, when I don't have to shovel it or drive in it). 

I love snow, I love snowmen and sledding and igloos.  It just brings out the 5 year old in me.

So that is all, that is my update on snow, and I know a lot of people are annoyed that it's getting in the way, but try and think about how great it is to snuggle up indoors and watch it fall gently to the ground.

Thoughts

Here's a little list of things I've been thinking about:

1. I'd really like to move out some time soon.  I'm looking into different internships or jobs, but I think the best thing for me to do is to get out of the house and separate myself as much as possible from my parents' situation.  However, I definitely am in need of a new job or in need of working the 40 hours a week to make close to enough to move out.  Even if I added an extra day I'd be better off.

2. Mom treated me to a haircut and color today, and it really made me feel a lot better.  I also think it's really sweet that she understands how a haircut can really brighten a mood.  In all honesty, when I was in high school I was really against makeup and dying your hair.  In a way, I was an ultra purist and felt that makeup and hair dye was some form of "lying" to trick boys into thinking you're prettier than you are.  I know now that is a complete fallacy, even if I don't wear makeup all that much now.  Anyway, I dyed my hair for the first time freshman year, and I loved it.  I went deep red-brown because I had always wanted to be a redhead (and I always wanted green eyes but hazel will have to do) and it was one of those two week wash out things.  Ever since then I've been semi-hooked.  I accidentally dyed it this coke bottle red, which was a disaster, and now I pay someone to do it right.  I've gone as crazy as hot pink tips and I'm slowly working my way into blonde (the stylist is just putting more and more and more highlights in.  Next time we'll be getting rid of my natural color and going for a caramel base.  Good bye dark brown, hello lightened eyebrows).  I feel like dying your hair is like painting a room:  it's the quickest and most easily reversible way to make a drastic change.

3. Cartoons, while they may be mindless, really brighten my mood.  I know that some people think it's immature, but in all honesty, what difference does it make if it relieves stress?  I like zoning out every so often.

4. I started reading "Their Eyes Were Watching God" and I really like it.  The only problem is that she wrote everything that the people say out exactly as it would be pronounced, so it's taking me about 12 times longer to read it because I have to sound out every word in my head to get what she's saying.

5.  I love fluffy towels.  There.  I said it.  And a fluffy towel right out of the dryer is probably the best feeling ever.

6.  My purple toes make me really happy.

7.  I don't know what it is, but for some reason nothing feels hot enough to me today.  My car was parked outside last night, and I think it only pumped out lukewarm air when I had it cranked all the way up to hot on the half hour drive to the hair place.  My feet were freezing (reasons to not wear low cut flats in the winter.  I don't like wearing socks with them but then my feet are freezy) and I could see my breath.  It kicked back in later that day, but it still wasn't as hot as it had been yesterday.  Also, the hot water in my house normally scalds my hands and it didn't get anywhere close to that.

8.  I really want to buy a new straightener.  Specifically, I really want the one my hairdresser uses, but it's like $119.00.  I did find a site that sells it for like $79.00 but that's still more than I want to spend at the moment.  I can hold out for my birthday.

9.  My hair always feels so great after I get it done.  This makes me want to keep touching it, which isn't good because then it will get greasy and gross faster and I'll have to wash it and lose that perfectly styled look.

10.  Tea is the best way to warm me up.  My recent favorites are Mandarin Orange Spice, Green Tea, Nutcracker Sweet, and a tea called Typhoo. 

11.  Sometimes it really bothers me when people are hypocritical.  Then I came to the realization that everyone is at one point in time or another, and I know that I have plenty of idiosyncrasies so I'm trying to just let it go.  

12. I think that Shetland ponies are freaking adorable.  I want to just hug them and their potbellied selves.

13.  I just came to the realization the other day that there are seriously hundreds of things that remind me of my boyfriend, which is kind of crazy.  I made a list for him.  I really like lists.

14.  I have realized that whenever I sit with my feet stretched out, I cross my left leg over my right, and hook my big right toe and left pinkie toe.  This is a really comfortable way for me to sit.  People think it's really weird.

Anyway, that's my update for today, I'd realized I'd been a little more sporatic on the update side, but I'd like to conveniently blame that on the fact that I was at my mom's and didn't have my computer.  And for some reason, writing blogs is something that I feel like I should be doing on my computer because then it's more like my own.

Hope you all are doing well (seriously follow me please it's lonely with just one :( )

Hands, oh Hands

I would love to get a manicure/ hand massage. My poor hands are a wreck at the moment. Today alone I've found eight splinters in my palms, a burn on my left middle finger knuckle, and numerous cuts on my thumbs and back of my hands. There are little bruises from knocking into the machines or hitting myself with tools. My nails are all raggy and dirty from the dust and sandpaper. My skin is dry and my cuticles ate cracking because of the weather. I would love to have a job where I can have pretty painted nails and have them not be ruined in five minutes. That is one thing I missed about school, I always had time to do them and they lasted a decent amount of time. Maybe one day I'll be able to get back into the swing of it.

On a different note, my hands are super strong, and very flexible. My fingers can be all wiggly and I can reach from one key to another key eleven keys up on the piano (apparently it's a giant stretch). I also think that men who work with their hands are really attractive. There is nothing quite like a guy who can take something apart and put it back together, who isn't afraid of getting a little dirty, or can handle a chisel. I just love strong hands. It's just one of those weird things I guess.

Anyway, I suppose that's all for now!

Positives and Negatives

I'm trying really hard right now to not bitch all the time on the internet.  This is kind of hard, especially since this week has been nothing but a stressfest full of unhappy conversations and revelations.

 So, my attempt here is to list some things that I like about what's going on right now, to counter all the negatives that are weighing me down like a steamroller.

Here goes:

1.  I don't feel like the fattest girl at the gym anymore.  This is either because I have lost weight (which the scale tells me I haven't) or that I've gone enough to firm up some of the jiggly bits that I don't like.  I actually like how I look in the mirror at the moment, although I still think I'd look better lighter (and my doctor and therapist would really like to see me there too).

2.  I can run a 12 minute mile while breathing only through my nose.  I don't know why this is an accomplishment, but I think it is.  I like not having to gasp for air like a fish.

3.  There's a possibility that I'll get to do more work on the silver collection at Winterthur.  There are a couple of stipulations: 1. They get the grant to be able to afford it, 2. I get the job, 3. I get another job to supplement excess finances, and 4. I can get an apartment in Wilmington for pretty cheap. I think it's doable.

4.  I had a really good weekend with Matt despite the fact that he had to work both days I was down.  And I also got to feel like his friends don't just put up with me because I'm around, I think they might actually like me just on my own. Woo not being totally annoying all the time.

5.  Matt got me a really cute book called "To Love is to Fly" which is basically the whole story of falling in love accompanied by pictures of penguins (possibly my second favorite animal on earth, a very close race between penguins and otters.  And tigers.)  I like to read it when I miss him, so basically I've been reading it 5 times a day.

6.  I finally watched Dumb and Dumber, and was pleasantly surprised.  Normally I don't like stupid humor (unless it's in cartoons) and sometimes Jim Carrey can be a little too much, but it was totally appropriate for this movie and I was cracking up.  I'm not ashamed.  Also, this lets me be able to understand half of the references the guys at the shop make.

7.  I've been sketching more.  Maybe I'll make a post of sketches I've done.  Chances are I'll be too embarrassed of what I've drawn to actually post it.  I'm hypercritical about my art.  But I do like that I've been drawing more.  I missed it.

8.  I'm thinking about making a copy of an old piece of furniture for my portfolio.  As much as I love my little jewelry box chair, I don't think it's quite enough.  Plus I really want to see how far I can push myself.  I'm thinking something in mahogany, mostly because it's a softer wood that is easier to carve details into.  I'll see what I can dig up.

9.  I think that therapy is going really really well. (I apologize if anyone is uncomfortable reading about that)  I really do think that John is doing a lot of good for me, especially in how I deal with my relationships with my parents during the divorce.  I think I really needed someone to talk to and someone to push me outside of my "dutiful daughter" mindset so that I can really start dealing with who I am and how these things affect me and my relationships.  I also recognize that I have a long way to go, but I'm okay with that as long as the progress is forward, not backwards.  I feel like I'm in a better place that I was before.

10.  I got my pretreatment and post-treatment conservation photos from this summer in the mail.  They look great, and I'm really proud of how they came out.  If it weren't for the possibility that I'd be voiding some kind of copyright, I would post them everywhere to show how awesome it is.  If you're really that interested, I'll haul them down to wherever you are.  Yes.  I am that proud of them.

I suppose I'll stop at 10.  Although that's a little too nice and round of a number for me, I'd rather pop in just one.  Oh well.

Hope everyone else is doing well! And also that I snap out of the WLDs (way low downs) sometime soon.

Other Life Goal/My day today

This'll be nice and short, I promise. I just wanted to add another life goal/resolution to my list.

I would like to lose and keep off 20 pounds. While I love my curves, I wish the outy bits were a little less far out and the inny bits were a little more in. I like my shape, I just don't like my size. Or that number on the scale. Or the fact that I get winded pretty easily. Or that I look like a tank in pictures. ANYWAY, that is what the gym is for, which is where I am going right after this. Honest.

Secondly, this is essentially how my day went today:
Clean, sand, clean some more, organize some stuff, unload 1000 board feet of Alder into the storage shed and shop, organize some more, and time the compressor. The thing I want to talk about is the last thing I did today. I stood out in the unheated open storage shed, phone timer in hand, recording how long it took for the compressor pressure to dip down to the point where it needs to renew. We have a leak in the system, and Tim wanted to know how often it was restarting. He also wanted to know how quickly it took to get back up to proper pressure. It was about 40 degrees out today. I do not like the cold. Just so we all know, it takes 40 minutes and 11 seconds for it to dip down, and another minute and a half to refill.

I did, however, get to dance like a fiend to keep warm and it was awesome, even if I couldn't feel my hands.

Ok, to the gym with me!

Life and Other Things

I thought I'd just list a few of the things I'd like to do with my life. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do and what's important to me. These aren't in any particular order, it's just part of the muddle in my noggin.

Things I'd Like to Do with My Life:
1. Be an art conservator. It's what I went toschool for and I think it's a fascinating field. The only problems are the amount of schooling I need to do, the working with dangerous chemicals, the high levels of stress and the high profile work. I'm interested in furniture and objects and I've always loved museums.

2. Be an art historian. I minored in art history, and while I love art, art history gives the background and quirky stories that I love too. While not as hands on as art conservation, it still gives me plenty of reason to hang out at museums and stare at art. Plus it'll give me plenty of reason to write which is one of my favorite thing to do.

3. Be an art history or art conservation professor or guidance counselor. Essentially, I might just want to teach my passion instead of do it. Mold young minds and the like.

4. Make sculptures. I love building and carbon and making things. I think it'd be great to be able to actually support myself on my
art alone. Plus I've always wanted a studio.

5. Make replica antiques. I like furniture a lot, and anyone who saw my jewelry box knows my interest in quirky antique style. I really enjoyed building it although I didn't like the deadline being so soon. I think I'd like doing that for a living too, where I make modern replicas of antiques so that collectors can have the look they want and the museums can keep the actual antiques for the public to see.

6. Deal with antiques or be a buyer. Pretty self explanatory, but I think it'd be fun to go around to places lookin for the best examples of different things.

7. Get married. I really want to be married, more specifically I really want to marry the person I'm with. I just don't think I'm in the right place right now to do that, but maybe in a year or two or so I'll be ready.

8. Have kids. 2, Hannelore Elizabeth and Christopher James. I don't know what it is, but lately I've been really convinced that I should
have kids and that I'd really do ok. Not for a hood long while, mind you, but one day. When I'm 29. Or 30.

9. Travel. I like going places I've never been and seeing places. I also really like knowing where things are, zo it's a litle Botox a contradiction.

I also came up with a little list of things I'd like to do before I die:
1. Take a roadtrip crosscountry
2. Visit all 50 states
3. Go back to Italy
4. Learn to surf/windsurf
5. Go to the Greek Isles
6. Write a book
7. Sell a piece of my own art
8. Make a table
9. Carve something to completion
10. Go to Egypt to see the pyramids
11. Learn how to cook really well

alright, that's it for now!

My "Mild" OCD Internet

This is my morning/daily routine, as far as the internet is concerned. Be afraid.

6:00 am- Alarm goes off. I turn it off, text "I love you" to Matt (unless he beats me to it like he did this morning), then check my email. If there is nothing leading me to another site, I check my twitter app.

6:05-6:20- Check webcomics in alphabetical order according to url, feel free to check them out:
Candi Comics- www.candicomics.com 
           Story of a college art major and her friends.  The art is sort of quirky and childish, but it fits the story and I like it.  MTRF updates.  Very consistent.
Control-Alt-Delete- www.cad-comic.com/cad
           (I've been a little disappointed as of late, it's a gamer comic and I just don't really care all that much.  Plus a lot of random and dramatic things happen to the main character, but I won't stop checking it because it's in my flow.  Also, I know it's out of alphabetical order, but they just changed the url it used to be ctrl-alt-del.com/ something or another.  So no, not wrong, just used to the way I've been doing it for years.) MWF updates.  Very consistent.
Order of the Stick- www.giantitp.com
           D&D-esque adventure with stick figures.  I really like the story line but he almost never updates, so it's maybe once a week.  I check daily because, well, I do.  I think there's personal health issues or something involved, and if so, I hope he gets better!
Least I Could Do- www.leasticoulddo.com
       Rayne is a manwhore and I love him.  That is probably the only time I will ever say that, but the art is well done and the storyline makes me laugh.  Plus, his niece is adorable. Updates everyday, very consistent with a special "Beginnings" section on Sundays that are more like Calvin and Hobbes, one of my all time favorites.
Penny and Aggie- www.pennyandaggie.com/index.php
        High school story, it's progressed greatly in it's storyline, although I feel like I've kind of outgrown it.  It's sort of taking a less-interesting turn now that the two nemesis are getting along. Updates MWF, very consistent.
PvP Online- www.pvponline.com
        Another gamer comic that I really like a lot.  It's turned more into a story about the characters, and I really like Scott Kurtz's work and art.  It's been a pleasure to read and I absolutely love Scratched Fury.  Updates M-F, consistently with little blips when there are outside emergencies.
Questionable Content- www.questionablecontent.net
        There are no words for how much I love this comic.  It's basically a real life scenario, but I love the characters and the art has gotten so great since panel one, it's been great to read.  It also has one of my favorite panels of all time in it, especially since I used to do this all the time at college: http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=469 Panel 4 is the greatest thing of my life. Updates M-F, significantly more regularly than it did before, which makes me really happy.  Even if it doesn't update, he at least tries to fill in with some kind of "explanation" filler comic, ie the Yelling Bird.

6:20-6:25- Online Adorable
www.icanhascheezburger.com  -LOLCats.  LOVE THEM.
 www.ihasahotdog.com- Essentially the same thing, but with dogs.

6:25-6:30- Facebook
First I check Restaurant City, feed my people, pick up the trash, and fix whatever is broken.  I then go down the line of friends' restaurants and help them to get my experience.
I then go to Farmville, where I just check my farm.

6:30
Curse profusely as I run to brush my teeth and get dressed.

6:40-6:55- make lunch, eat breakfast, wake up.

6:55- 7:00- leave house to make it to work by 7:30.

I will recheck twitter and my email at least 3 times during the work day.

When I get home I recheck twitter, my email, write a blog, or read a blog, stalk on facebook for a little, feed my people on restaurant city, help my neighbors on farmville, harvest what I need to and then text and tweet random crap.  Also, if there are any sites I missed or didn't update on time, I recheck to see if things have changed since I was at work.  Also, if I know a comic doesn't update on a certain day, I skip over it to the next one on the alphabetical list.  This means that Thursdays I'm almost never late for work, while Mondays I almost always am (even if no one really knows it because it's like 3 minutes late and I'm there 10 minutes before everyone else).

So there.  Tah-dah! OCD :)

G'night!

PS I've been trying for 20 minutes to find my favorite panel, but QC is really slow tonight :(

Life Goals

This one will be quick, although the title seems to indicate differently.

Dad and I had a long talk/argument earlier about what I'm doing with my life, and I think it'll really help me (he thinks so too) to make a plan and have some options.

So tomorrow, that's what I'm going to do. I'll probably post it up here later, just so I have it somewhere in case I lose the piece of paper.

Night all!

PS I was accosted by Girl Scouts the second I got home from work. I bought a box of Tagalongs (Peanutbutter Patties)

Awkward positions

I love coming down to Salisbury. Despite the long drive and the occassional idiot driver, I really enjoy being down here. I really like the people I see here and I like the things we do, but I find myself sort of in a weird position. This weekend Matt had to work Saturday, so I've had two days where I've had to entertain myself. I want to call people up to hang out but I realized one, I don't have any numbers, and two, I don't really know if anyone would want to. I feel very much like the friends here and Matt's friends, and I like them all but I haven't had much one on one time with any of them and wouldn't know how hanging out would go. The other thing is that everyone has been friends with everyone since middle or high school, and that's a really hard thing to break in to. I've been coming down here for over a year and I still don't know half of the references or stories and it's hard to feel involved with the conversation or feel like I really belong because I'm on the outside.

I know it's kind of silly. But I really do wish I had friends here for this reason. It hasn't been a bad weekend, not by any means, but I feel like I wish I had someone else to keep me company on days like today.

Random Memory

I was flipping through my high school yearbooks because I'm a little bit of a stalker on facebook and saw that a girl I knew of in high school had gotten married and I couldn't remember her name. This is my life. Anyway, I started to read through some of the things that people had written me, and I came to realize that high school was really not all that bad. I had some good friends and some great teachers. This, however, has nothing to do with that.

One of my best friends on earth is Brooke. I've known her for what seems like forever but she and I became really close in high school. This incident didn't happen then, but she wrote in one of her notes "PS. Liz to Pick Dandelions- Mr. Cook."

I had completely forgotten about it until I read it.

One day during 8th grade, when it was warm and pleasant out, I think towards the end of the year, I was sitting in my science class with my teacher Mr. Miller (I believe). It was warm enough to have the windows open, and in flies a yellow jacket. I'm terrified of bees. Absolutely terrified. Unluckily for me it decided to land right in my hair and refused to budge. Mr. Miller told me to hold still, and he swatted the bee out of my hair onto the ground and smooshed it with a book. In the process, he got stung and his finger swelled up immediately.

The next period was social studies, I was still freaking out from the whole bee thing and my friend Brooke happened to have both classes with me and recounted the whole thing to my teacher, Mr. Cook. He asked if I had thanked Mr. Miller, and I said that I had, but he insisted that I bring him a flower. So he wrote me a note- "Liz to Pick Dandelions- Mr. Cook."

That's right. I got a pass to go and pick flowers during class. Mr. Miller was appreciative, and it sort of became a running joke. I'd completely forgotten about it and laughed for a good minute or so just thinking about it.

Ah, middle school. That's the life.

Complain complain

I absolutely hate living alone. I'm bored, I'm lonely, and in all honesty, I'm a pretty big slob when it's just me around because I get lazy. I don't have anyone to pick up for or have the house look nice for, so I just don't. It is not good.

And I talk to myself. A lot. HELP ME.

One more resolution

This one's more for life in general, and hopefully one I can hang on to.

My mom and I were on our way home from the British Bell Tea Room down in Newark, De for lunch, when the subject of our family came up.  It's really hard to feel comfortable around us.  As my sister says, "You have to be able to take it" if you want to make it in our family, but both my mom and I agree that it's totally unnecessary for us to even be the way we are.

My family is really sarcastic.  We make snarky comments, we banter a lot, there are a lot of snide remarks made.  We get a kick out of other people's misfortunes or short comings and you know what? I'm sick of it.  I think it's really screwed us up somehow, and I don't know how we got to be this way.  I think it's part of where my trust issues come from.  Partly because I prefer to be independent and have a hard time trusting people to do things as well as I could, and partly because if you're in that kind of environment you can never really let your guard down because you don't know what's going to be thrown back at you later.  You don't want to be caught off guard or give anyone more fodder for the shame-cannon and you certainly don't ever want to be the butt of the joke.  This has trickled into other parts of my life, from friends to significant others.  I don't let my guard down because I don't want it to be used against me, and all I've ever known is that you put it out there and they'll use it against you.

This is something I want to work on.  I want to cut that out of my life and my interactions with people.  It's gotten to the point where I have a storehouse of things about people that, should the time arise, I can whip out and use.  I won't say I've never done it because I have and I'm really ashamed of that.  That's the ultimate betrayal, and I wish I could have just kept my mouth shut.  So that's my new resolution, be kinder and more sincere with people.  Trust more, cut less. 

Cheers.

A few little thoughts

I'm about to go and shovel the snow off of my driveway, so I thought I'd procrastinate, I mean, share some thoughts.

Firstly, I really do love snow. I think it's beautiful and makes the world look so peaceful.  I hate snow when it becomes dirty, frozen, nastiness that makes it hard to drive or walk or anything.  I also hate when it gets into your socks and your feet get all cold and snowy.  I do like, however, that it becomes a really good reason to curl up by a fire and drink cocoa, with loads of marshmallows, and do absolutely nothing. This is not going to happen today, which makes me a little sad.

Second- I'm going to the gym at least 6 times in the next 10.  I'm determined.  I'm annoyed that my first forage into doing something good for myself ended up with me being violently ill for two days.  I thought I'd done a really good job, packing veggies and tuna, a healthy and filling lunch, only to have it thrown back at me 6 hours later.  So here's to a healthier 2010 starting today.  And sticking with it.

Thirdly- I miss Matthew.  It's not a good thing, I miss him all the time and it's harder because he's running through my head every 15 minutes with something he's said or done.  On top of it all, cold weather makes me extra cuddly, and the 9 stuffed animals on my bed just do not cut it as far as making up for him. He makes me really happy, normally, and I figure if I have found someone who makes me happy despite all the bullshit that's going on in my life right now between my parents, living at home, work being a disaster, the terror of finding a new job, applying for grad schools, and making something of myself, that I should roll with that and be happy.  It's rare that you can find someone who can do that, much less do it as well as he can.  He has a way of making my overwhelming problems look not so bad, which I think is a good thing.

Fourthly- On a downer, I'm pretty sure I'm still in my "Young and Stupid" phase, despite what I've thought or believed.  I feel sometimes that at 22 I'm more than capable of living on my own and having my own life and not making more mistakes, but when I think about it or other people and their decisions, I sit and think "OH MY GOD, she's only 22? How young to be making such a monumental decision." And then I sit and think "oh hi there ms. hypocrite."  The rest of my life seems like an awfully long time, and it seems like it's not such a big deal to wait and see what happens with things and jobs and school.  On a terrifying note, my mom, at my age, was engaged, and would be married in 6 months.  SCARY. In another 4 years, she'd have kids.


Alright, ladies and gents, I think that's all I have for now. Except for one little plea to please follow me, because that button looks awfully lonely on the side there all by itself.

Later all!

Ungh, the flu?

Still feeling like crap. Maybe it wasn't just the tuna, I'm concerned it's something worse. No fever yet. Stomach is still off. Merrrrrrrr.

New Year, New Look

For all of you, or whoever of you, actually read this, TahDah! New layout design.  I was getting bored of the other one, since it's been like that since... well since I first made this Spring of junior year.  Also, thanks to the wonderful people at blogspot help, and to the fact that I remembered to forward my UDel email to my new account, I am finally able to have administrative control over my blog.  (I created it with my school email, only to have them kick me off the email after I graduated.  I never switched the rights over to my new account, although I had attached the gmail to the blog earlier this year.  I had forgotten my old password, but luckily the UDel address forwarded so I could change it. Yay!)

So yes.  This is the new look.

Huzzah!

Tuna, Oh Tuna

I'm never EVER eating Tuna again. At least not the one I made. Or at the very least that brand of tuna. I have never been that sick off of just food.

On the bright side at least it's out of my system now. And I can stop worrying that taking a sip of water is going to kill me.

On an even brighter side, my eyes haven't gotten any worse! That's pretty exciting since I'm practically blind as it is. This may make me a candidate for laser eye surgery down the road, provided 1. I'm cleared for it and 2. I can stand being awake for the surgery. I think I'm going to have more problems with the second half than the first. The fact that you have to be awake and looking at it freaks me out, which means I will most likely be a slave to glasses and contacts for the rest of my life. It's all good, I've been thinking about getting new frames for my glasses, but since I'm broke I probably won't be doing that since my prescription is more or less fine. I think it may be off ever so slightly, but not enough for me to really notice. This is actually really great because for a while there I was coming in every 6 months to a year starting in elementary school, and every time I came in my eyes were worse (This is also partially because I'm a freak and for a while if I couldn't read things at like 40 feet I'd go screaming to my eye doctor saying AH I'M BLIND).

Also, apparently reading by the night light when I was little didn't do a thing to my eyes. My DNA did.

SO THERE PARENTS.

Night all!

A new year, a new perspective

Happy 2010, everybody.

Bear with me, I'm trying to write a post on my phone, it's already proved more difficult than I imagined.

It's that time of year again when we make promises to ourselves which, for the most part, fallthrough after a few weeks. Having failed several times, I've decided that my resolutions should be monthly, not yearly. That is my goal. Some of them will carry into other months, especially ones that I've failed in previous months. Maybe if I keep things short term I'll be better off.

Here's hoping.

For this month:
1. Eat better. This means more vegetables, less cheeseburgers. I'm also tring to cut out as much fast food as I can. It shouldn't be too bad, I got a new cookbook for Christmas and I'll start making lunches the night before so I won't be too lazy and end up ordering crap. I also want to cut down on the amount of snacking I do and drink more water.

2. Excercise more. I want to go to the gym or go for a walk or do somehing at least 4 days a week. I'm tired of feeling heavy and seeing that number on the scale. I can't sit still for any longer. It makes me cranky.

3. Be more pleasant. I think eating better and exercising more will help this. I tend to get really cranky and annoyed, and I tend to take that out on the people I care about. I also need to find a better way to release my stress.

4. I want to apply to a job each week. And study for the gres and chem.

Alright, that's it! Best of luck :)