Christmas is by far my favorite time of the year. Lately it's been harder and harder to get into the holiday spirit (especially since this is the first year where my parents are split. It's been a little weird knowing what is still ok and what isn't), but I finally clicked into it on Tuesday. I finished my shopping, I finished my wrapping, a last minute gift for somebody special showed up earlier than I thought it was going to, and my boyfriend has been surprising me a little more and more every day with how wonderful he is.
I love the holidays. It's a time where we can put aside whatever problems there are and just love each other and not worry about what might happen. Family gets along better, relationships go better, it's just better all around. And, for the first time since I've been little, we actually had a white Christmas (Also one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time. They had a 24 hour marathon of it yesterday. Made. My. Day.) Watching my dog try and figure out what the cold white stuff is is absolutely hysterical, she's so funny.
I'm excited for next week, too. I have off all week and so does Matt, and I can't wait to actually spend a good chunk of time with him without both of us having other things to worry about or work to do. I'm excited to bring down cookies and truffles, and for us to go to Atlantic City for a few days. I'm just happy that I'm getting to see him and to spend time with him. This whole relationship has turned out much better than I could have imagined. The whole beginnings of us being a couple was sort of a "try it out and see, keep it fun and as lighthearted as possible." I never expected it to turn into what it has. I was so set against finding anyone in the Salisbury area, especially because of how the last few attempts turned out that I never really let myself think that this could be anything more than something fun. But then we started to get to know each other really well, and I got to see sides of him I didn't know existed. I got to see how sweet and dependable he is, and how good he is at calming me down and cheering me up. I never really saw it coming, but he has turned out to be the person I've been looking for. He has all the traits that I've always wanted. He treats me the way I've wanted to be treated. He loves me the way that I've always wanted to be loved. What's even better is that I don't feel like it's a dependent relationship. We're with each other because we want to be with each other, not because we need the other to survive. Granted, if something were to happen, I'm sure we'd both be devastated, but I don't feel like he'd be completely lost without me, just like I don't think I'd be lost without him. I think it's a good thing, I think we compliment each other well and bring out the good in each other. I like to think we're better people when we're together. The fact that it even happens sort of baffles me every day. I never expected that the one person I kept in touch with on almost a daily basis in Italy would turn out to be more than just a good friend who was there for me when I didn't really have anyone else.
I love it. I love this feeling and I love that I look forward to it as much as I do. I love hearing from him and seeing bits and pieces of him in everything I see. It's amazing how someone infuses themselves into every little bit of your life, how the smallest things can remind you of something they've said or done. I'm really happy and I was certain that I would never find this happiness again, much less be happier than I had been before. That's the trouble with first loves, you tend to put them up on a pedestal, only to find that the pedestal is much shorter than you remember, not so shiny, and not all the great. I'm glad that I've found something more fulfilling, and I can't wait to see where it goes :)
Merry Christmas everyone,
Liz
PS I got a coffeemaker and I'm so excited about it!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
This is probably going to be a little bit emo
I can't sleep. It's a problem I have when I'm home and it's spreading to other places. I know why I can't sleep. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed (Therapist man thinks so, too.) and I think that's really screwing with my sleep. I'm stressed out, I'm bottling up a lot of emotions, I'm dwelling on things more than I should, and not sleeping just exacerbates all of it.
It makes me hurt more. It makes me more sensitive to comments and to emotions. I'm mood swingy, going from nostalgic to sad to angry in record time. In some ways I know that I'm overreacting, but in others I feel like what I say in those moods is true and honest, more so than if I was just "normal." I tend to sugar coat and repress whatever I'm feeling or rationalize everything if I get the chance to control my emotions.
I've been hurting a lot. My parents divorce is killing me because I have to watch it dissolve slowly day by day, and watch two people who were once so affectionate and kind towards each other barely break past civility. My work situation is stressful because everyone is trying to pit everyone against Bill. I've bounced back and forth a dozen times as to how I feel about him and whether he's a monster, a saint, or just human like the rest of us. My relationship has been nothing but a rollercoaster this month. It's something that can bring me a lot of comfort and joy and escape from the rest of my stress, or it can be something that is the icing on the stress cake.
I'm tired of flopping back and forth with me emotions. I'm tired of having to make what feel like giant decisions. I'm tired of taking everyone else's stress and pain and troubles and making them my own. I just don't know how to make it stop.
It makes me hurt more. It makes me more sensitive to comments and to emotions. I'm mood swingy, going from nostalgic to sad to angry in record time. In some ways I know that I'm overreacting, but in others I feel like what I say in those moods is true and honest, more so than if I was just "normal." I tend to sugar coat and repress whatever I'm feeling or rationalize everything if I get the chance to control my emotions.
I've been hurting a lot. My parents divorce is killing me because I have to watch it dissolve slowly day by day, and watch two people who were once so affectionate and kind towards each other barely break past civility. My work situation is stressful because everyone is trying to pit everyone against Bill. I've bounced back and forth a dozen times as to how I feel about him and whether he's a monster, a saint, or just human like the rest of us. My relationship has been nothing but a rollercoaster this month. It's something that can bring me a lot of comfort and joy and escape from the rest of my stress, or it can be something that is the icing on the stress cake.
I'm tired of flopping back and forth with me emotions. I'm tired of having to make what feel like giant decisions. I'm tired of taking everyone else's stress and pain and troubles and making them my own. I just don't know how to make it stop.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
22
The fact that I'm 22 has nothing to do with this post.
I personally need to feel like I'm loved. I need signs of affection. I need little things throughout the day that say "hey, I'm thinking about you." or "Love you" just to reinforce whatever it is I believe about my relationship.
When I don't get that, it hurts. When I bring up that I don't get that and it upsets me, and I get a noncommital reply, that also hurts.
Yes, I'm passive aggressive. Yes, I'm a lot of work because of my own insecurities. Yes, you're probably going to be mad when you read this but honestly, what point was there in having this conversation with you again? We've talked about it a dozen times and yet I still have to have this talk. I still have to say "Hey, I really love hearing from you. It'd be great if you did it more. I'm insecure, long distance makes that harder, for me to feel close to you I need to have some kind of contact with you during the day that isn't always initiated by me."
I'm pissed. I feel ignored. I feel neglected. And I feel like guys just don't get it no matter how plain you put the reasons for why you want them to do something. It feels like every time I say something, it gets a temporary fix that makes me happy, then it goes right back to where it was.
Awesome.
That's all folks.
I personally need to feel like I'm loved. I need signs of affection. I need little things throughout the day that say "hey, I'm thinking about you." or "Love you" just to reinforce whatever it is I believe about my relationship.
When I don't get that, it hurts. When I bring up that I don't get that and it upsets me, and I get a noncommital reply, that also hurts.
Yes, I'm passive aggressive. Yes, I'm a lot of work because of my own insecurities. Yes, you're probably going to be mad when you read this but honestly, what point was there in having this conversation with you again? We've talked about it a dozen times and yet I still have to have this talk. I still have to say "Hey, I really love hearing from you. It'd be great if you did it more. I'm insecure, long distance makes that harder, for me to feel close to you I need to have some kind of contact with you during the day that isn't always initiated by me."
I'm pissed. I feel ignored. I feel neglected. And I feel like guys just don't get it no matter how plain you put the reasons for why you want them to do something. It feels like every time I say something, it gets a temporary fix that makes me happy, then it goes right back to where it was.
Awesome.
That's all folks.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Yeesh
Wow it's been a while. This post is dedicated to the fact that I spout a lot of bullshit, and I'm recognizing that.
To anyone who is so fortunate to have found someone already that they want to and can spend the rest of their lives with them, congratulations. I wish I was that lucky. I would love to wake up every day with Matt, but due to outside issues, it doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon.
On that note, for as much as I say I want to do my own thing and forge my own path in life, I absolutely hate being alone. I know I've said to some people that you should live on your own, get to know who you are as a person blah blah blah before entering in too quickly, but screw it. I know myself well enough to know that I'd sabotage anything that comes my way when I'm lonely. I get paranoid, jump to insane conclusions, feel unloved and ignored after about 20 minutes of being completely by myself. It's not good.
I know myself well enough to recognize that while I hate being alone, being with someone all the time all the time all the time can kill a relationship. Although, I would almost rather have the problem be that we see eachother too much rather than not enough. It's looking like it will have been a month at least before I see Matt again, and that is really depressing. I hate that distance and I hate feeling so disconnected. Talking at night is getting harder because work keeps wearing me out and I fall asleep before we even get the chance to say hello.
If I could, and I know that this is so against the mantra from one of my earlier posts, I would absolutely hop on the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with him. If I wasn't crazy, or felt external pressures of grad school and the sucky economy and family issues, I would be hunting for apartments already. Seeing as those issues do exist, I'm miserable and wish that Salisbury and Dresher weren't so horribly far apart. If it was just an hour I could go and see him every other night at the worst, or at least get to see him for a little bit. More so than now.
This is probably one of the toughest stages of our relationship, especially since the end of this distance seems so far away. Unless the economy picks up and I get over the guilt of leaving my father alone in this monster house, it's looking like years. Years is a long time. Months is a long time. Weeks even. There are times when I wish I could just smoosh the two worlds closer, but it doesn't work.
I'm afraid, and I don't like it.
To anyone who is so fortunate to have found someone already that they want to and can spend the rest of their lives with them, congratulations. I wish I was that lucky. I would love to wake up every day with Matt, but due to outside issues, it doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon.
On that note, for as much as I say I want to do my own thing and forge my own path in life, I absolutely hate being alone. I know I've said to some people that you should live on your own, get to know who you are as a person blah blah blah before entering in too quickly, but screw it. I know myself well enough to know that I'd sabotage anything that comes my way when I'm lonely. I get paranoid, jump to insane conclusions, feel unloved and ignored after about 20 minutes of being completely by myself. It's not good.
I know myself well enough to recognize that while I hate being alone, being with someone all the time all the time all the time can kill a relationship. Although, I would almost rather have the problem be that we see eachother too much rather than not enough. It's looking like it will have been a month at least before I see Matt again, and that is really depressing. I hate that distance and I hate feeling so disconnected. Talking at night is getting harder because work keeps wearing me out and I fall asleep before we even get the chance to say hello.
If I could, and I know that this is so against the mantra from one of my earlier posts, I would absolutely hop on the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with him. If I wasn't crazy, or felt external pressures of grad school and the sucky economy and family issues, I would be hunting for apartments already. Seeing as those issues do exist, I'm miserable and wish that Salisbury and Dresher weren't so horribly far apart. If it was just an hour I could go and see him every other night at the worst, or at least get to see him for a little bit. More so than now.
This is probably one of the toughest stages of our relationship, especially since the end of this distance seems so far away. Unless the economy picks up and I get over the guilt of leaving my father alone in this monster house, it's looking like years. Years is a long time. Months is a long time. Weeks even. There are times when I wish I could just smoosh the two worlds closer, but it doesn't work.
I'm afraid, and I don't like it.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Soulmates and other things
I warn you ahead of time. This will most likely be pretty sweet, so if you don't want to deal with that, then move right on along.
I spent last weekend down in Salisbury with Matt. I pulled an all nighter (involuntarily, my body just hates me for some reason) on Thursday night and decided that it would be a better use of my time to drive down to Salisbury than to try to attempt work at either of my jobs (I still think this is perfectly valid. No sleep plus table saw equals missing fingers. No sleep plus organizing chemicals equals chemical burns. Point me.) So at 3:30 am, I got into my car and drove. Two and a half hours later, I pulled into the driveway and promptly passed out. His mom came out and got me at about 7, I'd been asleep in the car more or less for an hour.
None of that is particularly important.
What is important is the series of little things that made me absolutely love him even more.
Firstly, he stopped at Sonic on the way home. He didn't ask if I was hungry, he just stopped, picked up a bacon cheese and egg sandwhich, tater tots, and cherry limeade all on his own impulse. I was starving and didn't even realize it until he put the sandwich in my hands. That little act of kindness after a pretty exhausting 24 hour experience made me unbelievably happy. The fact that he brought one for his mom too was even better. I love that he thinks of other people and that he'll do little things like bring me flowers or my favorite drink without me having to ask. It's sweet and I love it.
Secondly, I hadn't realized how much I missed just being next to him. Crawling into bed and just being held was simply fantastic. There aren't really words to describe how that makes me feel, it's like coming home for the first time in years and finding that everything is just as wonderful as you remembered. It's comfort and love and everything just wrapped up into one. I came back home and hugged my body pillow so hard, but it won't ever be able to replace sleeping next to him.
Third, it felt like part of me clicked back into place. We didn't miss a beat, there wasn't any "oh hey, uh, it's you and I haven't seen you in a while oh damn what was it that you didn't like?" While I can function pretty well without Matt around, and I know he does fine without me, everything is just better when he's there. even if we're not sitting next to each other, it's nice just knowing he's around. We went shopping with his dad on Saturday, and Matt drove. I sat in the back seat and he kept looking back at me to make sure I was ok. I loved that (partially because I love his eyes but also because I loved that he was still looking out for me). After I left on Sunday, it felt like I was leaving part of me in Maryland. Not enough to cripple me, although it has before (there was a week there where it was not so pretty), but enough to make me ache and want to go back right now. I want to be able to go home and have him there. I want to be able to lie next to him every night. I want to be able to cook dinner and have him do dishes and curl up and watch tv together.
It's little things. But they're just so good.
I spent last weekend down in Salisbury with Matt. I pulled an all nighter (involuntarily, my body just hates me for some reason) on Thursday night and decided that it would be a better use of my time to drive down to Salisbury than to try to attempt work at either of my jobs (I still think this is perfectly valid. No sleep plus table saw equals missing fingers. No sleep plus organizing chemicals equals chemical burns. Point me.) So at 3:30 am, I got into my car and drove. Two and a half hours later, I pulled into the driveway and promptly passed out. His mom came out and got me at about 7, I'd been asleep in the car more or less for an hour.
None of that is particularly important.
What is important is the series of little things that made me absolutely love him even more.
Firstly, he stopped at Sonic on the way home. He didn't ask if I was hungry, he just stopped, picked up a bacon cheese and egg sandwhich, tater tots, and cherry limeade all on his own impulse. I was starving and didn't even realize it until he put the sandwich in my hands. That little act of kindness after a pretty exhausting 24 hour experience made me unbelievably happy. The fact that he brought one for his mom too was even better. I love that he thinks of other people and that he'll do little things like bring me flowers or my favorite drink without me having to ask. It's sweet and I love it.
Secondly, I hadn't realized how much I missed just being next to him. Crawling into bed and just being held was simply fantastic. There aren't really words to describe how that makes me feel, it's like coming home for the first time in years and finding that everything is just as wonderful as you remembered. It's comfort and love and everything just wrapped up into one. I came back home and hugged my body pillow so hard, but it won't ever be able to replace sleeping next to him.
Third, it felt like part of me clicked back into place. We didn't miss a beat, there wasn't any "oh hey, uh, it's you and I haven't seen you in a while oh damn what was it that you didn't like?" While I can function pretty well without Matt around, and I know he does fine without me, everything is just better when he's there. even if we're not sitting next to each other, it's nice just knowing he's around. We went shopping with his dad on Saturday, and Matt drove. I sat in the back seat and he kept looking back at me to make sure I was ok. I loved that (partially because I love his eyes but also because I loved that he was still looking out for me). After I left on Sunday, it felt like I was leaving part of me in Maryland. Not enough to cripple me, although it has before (there was a week there where it was not so pretty), but enough to make me ache and want to go back right now. I want to be able to go home and have him there. I want to be able to lie next to him every night. I want to be able to cook dinner and have him do dishes and curl up and watch tv together.
It's little things. But they're just so good.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Hey there long time...
Hey everybody, or whoever you are that read this.
Most likely no one. But I do enjoy addressing someone. It makes it feel more personal.
Even though the internet is about as impersonal as it gets.
ANYWAY, speaking of the internet, I came to a realization the other day and actually had a really intelligent conversation with my mother. She was commenting on how there seems to be a wave pattern to marriage age, with people marrying very young in my grandmother's era, which then got progressively older before marrying, then finally is doing a giant backswing with my generation. She seemed surprised because there are so many more things to do, so many people have more dreams and want to accomplish more and apparently see marriage as something that will get in the way of what they want or them achieving it as soon as possible.
She wanted to know why.
I sat, and I thought about it. I came to two conclusions. One being that my generation was brought up in an era where everything is becoming less and less personal. We have little face to face contact, we chat on instant messenger in the same room instead of having an honest conversation, we text people instead of calling them, we send emails instead of writing snail mail. There is almost no personality to text, straight text on a screen. People can lie boldfaced to you and you would never suspect a thing because you can't read them like you would in real life. When we find people who we connect with not just in this electronic setting but also in the real world, we crave intimacy and closeness, we are lacking in real, normal, face to face relationships. So we find it, we latch onto it, and marry it, and pretend like it's perfectly fine to do so.
My second conclusion also deals with the Age of Technology. People are used to instantaneous responses now. Before, it was common to wait a day or two to hear from someone, a phone call once a week would suffice, letters that would take a few days to get there were normal. Everything for my generation is instant. Messaging, texting, everything, there is absolutely no reason that we can't be in touch all the time with everyone. Everything has been sped up, and we've become a generation of impatient people who can't fathom waiting a month for anything, much less until we're 26-27 if we're convinced we're in love at 18. A month into a relationship? Things are going well? Destined to be married by 6 months. You've been dating for a year? You aren't engaged yet?!?! What's wrong with you?
While I personally think that I fall partially into the first group and can understand the second group, I think we all need to up our rational sides. At the ripe young age of 21, I have absolutely no financial stability, no steady job, am looking to go back to school and am unsure as to if I'll get in. There are a lot of instabilities and variables in my own personal life that I think would make settling down and getting married difficult at this time. That doesn't mean that a few years down the road I wouldn't be all up for it. Hell, I'm up for it now, I just don't think it would go as smoothly as if we waited and saved. I fall more into the group that my mother was talking about. The group that has so much that they want to do and so little time to do it in. I have dreams and goals, and there is a definite path that I have to take to get there, and I don't know what marriage would do to throw me off it. It's sort of a selfish reason, but I would rather wait and be stable rather than throw myself in and have us flounder about because we didn't plan. I would hate to resent someone for stopping me from getting what I want out of life.
And that little jumbled piece of mess is what I came up with.
Later all : )
Most likely no one. But I do enjoy addressing someone. It makes it feel more personal.
Even though the internet is about as impersonal as it gets.
ANYWAY, speaking of the internet, I came to a realization the other day and actually had a really intelligent conversation with my mother. She was commenting on how there seems to be a wave pattern to marriage age, with people marrying very young in my grandmother's era, which then got progressively older before marrying, then finally is doing a giant backswing with my generation. She seemed surprised because there are so many more things to do, so many people have more dreams and want to accomplish more and apparently see marriage as something that will get in the way of what they want or them achieving it as soon as possible.
She wanted to know why.
I sat, and I thought about it. I came to two conclusions. One being that my generation was brought up in an era where everything is becoming less and less personal. We have little face to face contact, we chat on instant messenger in the same room instead of having an honest conversation, we text people instead of calling them, we send emails instead of writing snail mail. There is almost no personality to text, straight text on a screen. People can lie boldfaced to you and you would never suspect a thing because you can't read them like you would in real life. When we find people who we connect with not just in this electronic setting but also in the real world, we crave intimacy and closeness, we are lacking in real, normal, face to face relationships. So we find it, we latch onto it, and marry it, and pretend like it's perfectly fine to do so.
My second conclusion also deals with the Age of Technology. People are used to instantaneous responses now. Before, it was common to wait a day or two to hear from someone, a phone call once a week would suffice, letters that would take a few days to get there were normal. Everything for my generation is instant. Messaging, texting, everything, there is absolutely no reason that we can't be in touch all the time with everyone. Everything has been sped up, and we've become a generation of impatient people who can't fathom waiting a month for anything, much less until we're 26-27 if we're convinced we're in love at 18. A month into a relationship? Things are going well? Destined to be married by 6 months. You've been dating for a year? You aren't engaged yet?!?! What's wrong with you?
While I personally think that I fall partially into the first group and can understand the second group, I think we all need to up our rational sides. At the ripe young age of 21, I have absolutely no financial stability, no steady job, am looking to go back to school and am unsure as to if I'll get in. There are a lot of instabilities and variables in my own personal life that I think would make settling down and getting married difficult at this time. That doesn't mean that a few years down the road I wouldn't be all up for it. Hell, I'm up for it now, I just don't think it would go as smoothly as if we waited and saved. I fall more into the group that my mother was talking about. The group that has so much that they want to do and so little time to do it in. I have dreams and goals, and there is a definite path that I have to take to get there, and I don't know what marriage would do to throw me off it. It's sort of a selfish reason, but I would rather wait and be stable rather than throw myself in and have us flounder about because we didn't plan. I would hate to resent someone for stopping me from getting what I want out of life.
And that little jumbled piece of mess is what I came up with.
Later all : )
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Bright Side
It's a hell of a task, but I'm trying hard to look on the bright side more often. I'm trying to come up with list of things each day that are good, and trying to focus on them as opposed to all the other crap.
Also, I'm trying to keep in touch with people more, either phone calls or emails. I need people. I can't rely on just one person to keep me entertained. It's unfair to do that. Hopefully this is just a swing of the downs, and I'll be back to normal soon. It's hard though. So very very hard.
Also, I'm trying to keep in touch with people more, either phone calls or emails. I need people. I can't rely on just one person to keep me entertained. It's unfair to do that. Hopefully this is just a swing of the downs, and I'll be back to normal soon. It's hard though. So very very hard.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Warning: Emo content
Sometimes it feels like nothing ever changes. No matter what you do, or what you talk about, or what you decide you're going to take charge of, nothing ever changes.
Every morning is the same hour long commute. It's the same traffic. It's the same set of cars that cut you off the day before.
In the office, it's the same set of objects in a different room, the same files in the same cabinets. The same hike up three flights of stairs, the same place to eat lunch. You talk to the same people about the same shit.
Nothing changes.
You climb into the car, drive the hour back, sit behind the same set of people who though the speed limit was 35 when it's 45, get onto the same road where people have miraculously forgotten how to merge from yesterday, and collapse back at home where your family argues over the same crap in the same stupid voices.
It's a cycle.
Something upsets you, you talk about it, nothing comes of it, but everyone feels better because it was addressed. The problem is still there, but it's been talked about so it's not really an issue.
I hate suburbia.
I hate that all my friends are at least a half hour away.
I hate driving every morning listening to the same crap as yesterday.
I had higher hopes for life after college. I had higher hopes that didn't involve the seemingly unending monotony that every day presents. It's enough to drive you crazy.
I want out. I need to be somewhere new. I can't sit in this room in this house in this town for much longer.
Some days I think about just throwing everything I have into a suitcase and just driving. I don't really care where I go as long as it's not here. Or maybe just getting into my car after work and not head home. Not head anywhere, just go. It's stupid and I'll probably never do it, but I suddenly understand why people just up and disappear. Normal life can be stifling.
And that's all I have for my emo rant.
Every morning is the same hour long commute. It's the same traffic. It's the same set of cars that cut you off the day before.
In the office, it's the same set of objects in a different room, the same files in the same cabinets. The same hike up three flights of stairs, the same place to eat lunch. You talk to the same people about the same shit.
Nothing changes.
You climb into the car, drive the hour back, sit behind the same set of people who though the speed limit was 35 when it's 45, get onto the same road where people have miraculously forgotten how to merge from yesterday, and collapse back at home where your family argues over the same crap in the same stupid voices.
It's a cycle.
Something upsets you, you talk about it, nothing comes of it, but everyone feels better because it was addressed. The problem is still there, but it's been talked about so it's not really an issue.
I hate suburbia.
I hate that all my friends are at least a half hour away.
I hate driving every morning listening to the same crap as yesterday.
I had higher hopes for life after college. I had higher hopes that didn't involve the seemingly unending monotony that every day presents. It's enough to drive you crazy.
I want out. I need to be somewhere new. I can't sit in this room in this house in this town for much longer.
Some days I think about just throwing everything I have into a suitcase and just driving. I don't really care where I go as long as it's not here. Or maybe just getting into my car after work and not head home. Not head anywhere, just go. It's stupid and I'll probably never do it, but I suddenly understand why people just up and disappear. Normal life can be stifling.
And that's all I have for my emo rant.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The Happiest I've ever been
I'm writing this to try to keep my mind off of how awful I feel. For some reason I've been headachey and nauseous for the past two days, on and off. I'm trying to fight off a wave.
Anyway, the purpose of this entry is to write about my recent reinforcement of my belief in soulmates (I apologize ahead of time if there are any serious grammatical or spelling errors).
This past weekend I went down to Salisbury to visit Matt (he loves posts like this). Over all, the weekend was pretty fun, we went to Ocean City one night and played mini golf and walked the boardwalk, we played disc golf and Matt taught me how to play better and, y'know, aim. However, my absolute favorite day of this weekend was Saturday. Saturday is quite possibly my favorite day ever, and certainly the happiest I've been that I can remember.
Saturday didn't start out any differently than any other day. In fact, it started off kind of icky. We woke up, puttered around trying to figure out what to eat. I got a little stir crazy after lunch at Checkers (enough to make any day a good day) and decided that we needed to get out of the house. We headed to the Salisbury Zoo, somewhere I haven't been in about 3 years. Last time I went, it was freezing cold out. This time, it was a beautiful sunny day, not too hot, and not humid. It was wonderful. We walked around the zoo, looked at the bears, giggled over the beavers and their tail plates, but the ultimate, absolute best part, were the otters. They'd just been fed, and they were slipping and sliding all over the place with little fish hanging out in their mouths. We sat and watched them for a good 15 minutes, before moving on, and then came back and watched for another 1o or so minutes. The two boy otters were playing and fighting with each other, making really cute little squeaky noises, while the girl was just chomping away on the same piece of fish. It was really adorable. I love them. They're my favorite animals by far.
After the zoo, we went and got milkshakes from Tastee Freeze, or however you spell it. The chocolate milkshake was probably one of the top 3 I've ever had. It was delicious. After that, we went to the park, sat on the swings, walked over the big bridge and sat by the fountain. It was really just lovely.
The best part of this entire thing was that Matt seemed to know where I wanted to go before I even knew. Everywhere we went was exactly where I wanted to be. I was worry-free, completely content. I don't think I've ever had a minute where I've been both happy and worry-free. Not within the past 10 years. To have an entire afternoon of that was simply amazing. I've never felt that calm and just... right. I was exactly where I was supposed to be with the right person. I've always sort of believed in soulmates, for a while I never thought I'd find mine. Matt's been convincing me over the past 8 months that he's my soulmate, and with Saturday I think he sealed the deal.
I know it's mushy, and I know that it doesn't seem like what happened on Saturday was all that exciting or eventful, but if I've found someone who can give me even an hour of that peace, I want to hold on to them for as long as humanly possible. : )
Anyway, the purpose of this entry is to write about my recent reinforcement of my belief in soulmates (I apologize ahead of time if there are any serious grammatical or spelling errors).
This past weekend I went down to Salisbury to visit Matt (he loves posts like this). Over all, the weekend was pretty fun, we went to Ocean City one night and played mini golf and walked the boardwalk, we played disc golf and Matt taught me how to play better and, y'know, aim. However, my absolute favorite day of this weekend was Saturday. Saturday is quite possibly my favorite day ever, and certainly the happiest I've been that I can remember.
Saturday didn't start out any differently than any other day. In fact, it started off kind of icky. We woke up, puttered around trying to figure out what to eat. I got a little stir crazy after lunch at Checkers (enough to make any day a good day) and decided that we needed to get out of the house. We headed to the Salisbury Zoo, somewhere I haven't been in about 3 years. Last time I went, it was freezing cold out. This time, it was a beautiful sunny day, not too hot, and not humid. It was wonderful. We walked around the zoo, looked at the bears, giggled over the beavers and their tail plates, but the ultimate, absolute best part, were the otters. They'd just been fed, and they were slipping and sliding all over the place with little fish hanging out in their mouths. We sat and watched them for a good 15 minutes, before moving on, and then came back and watched for another 1o or so minutes. The two boy otters were playing and fighting with each other, making really cute little squeaky noises, while the girl was just chomping away on the same piece of fish. It was really adorable. I love them. They're my favorite animals by far.
After the zoo, we went and got milkshakes from Tastee Freeze, or however you spell it. The chocolate milkshake was probably one of the top 3 I've ever had. It was delicious. After that, we went to the park, sat on the swings, walked over the big bridge and sat by the fountain. It was really just lovely.
The best part of this entire thing was that Matt seemed to know where I wanted to go before I even knew. Everywhere we went was exactly where I wanted to be. I was worry-free, completely content. I don't think I've ever had a minute where I've been both happy and worry-free. Not within the past 10 years. To have an entire afternoon of that was simply amazing. I've never felt that calm and just... right. I was exactly where I was supposed to be with the right person. I've always sort of believed in soulmates, for a while I never thought I'd find mine. Matt's been convincing me over the past 8 months that he's my soulmate, and with Saturday I think he sealed the deal.
I know it's mushy, and I know that it doesn't seem like what happened on Saturday was all that exciting or eventful, but if I've found someone who can give me even an hour of that peace, I want to hold on to them for as long as humanly possible. : )
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Giant update- Internship, painting, new habits
Hi again. I kind of forgot about this... sorry! Actually, in all honesty, it's been a combination of forgetting and me reformatting my computer because it had viruses. Again. Ugh.
Anyway, that's all over with and my baby's been running just fine.
I guess we should start at the beginning of my list, my internship.
I love it. Absolutely love it. I'm currently volunteering at the Winterthur Estate Museum and Gardens, and every day I'm there just flies by. I work with one other girl, also named Elizabeth, and we are surveying the condition of the lacquer coating on the some 4,000 silver pieces. A brief history: Winterthur was Henry Francis du Pont's home, he was an avid collector of Americana as well as an excellent gardener. The gardens at Winterthur are comparable to those of Longwood Gardens, in fact, some people prefer Winterthur's set up. Either way, he converted his country estate into a museum in 1951, and over the years, continued to donate furniture and objects to it. Winterthur is a museum that strives to educate the public about American decorative arts and is one of a few unique museums that is more or less entirely made up of period rooms. I personally think it is freaking fantastic. 9 floors, 175 rooms, all jammed with stuff.
What I am personally doing is going through each room, finding the silver objects off of a list, examining them, writing that information into Excel, finding any other information from the masses of files in the conservation office, and looking for trends, percentages, and types of damage so the museum can put together a grant to treat the silver. Silver is lacquered in museums because continual polishing actually removes a layer of silver and can, over time, wear down engravings, details, and, if it is a plated piece, can wear down to show the base metal. The original mass lacquering was in 1983-1987, and another set was done in 1998 when the lighting in the museum was redone. The majority of what we have seen were coated in that 1983-87 period, and it is amazing how well the lacquer has held up considering the amount of time it has been on. We ran into one that was coated in 1978, which is just mind boggling.
I have free access to the entire museum, as well as permission to pick up and look at any piece that I want. I have a badge that opens doors that aren't available to the public and we have the freedom to wander around wherever we want. It's awesome. The only thing that could make this any better is if they paid me. But I like it enough for it to not really be a problem just yet.
Backtracking a little bit, painting my room was a bitch and a half. We started at 7:45, painted the walls until 12:30, ate lunch, did the second coat, finished at 2:30, waited until 6:30 to start the trim, which I more or less finished up around 1:15 am. A few touchups the next day, and then I could move some furniture. However, I don't really like the set up I have right now, I think I'm going to have to switch a few things around if I'm going to be able to walk comfortably around. It's a little awkward to maneuver.
Lastly, I've gotten into the habit of writing letters, mostly because I know how much I hate it when everything in the mail is just bills and crappy coupons. I prefer to have something to look forward to, like a little surprise. I've written a few to Matt, and I'd like to expand that out to other people. Maybe tack on my grandparents, and roomates. And whoever really wants to have a letter.
That's all for now!
Anyway, that's all over with and my baby's been running just fine.
I guess we should start at the beginning of my list, my internship.
I love it. Absolutely love it. I'm currently volunteering at the Winterthur Estate Museum and Gardens, and every day I'm there just flies by. I work with one other girl, also named Elizabeth, and we are surveying the condition of the lacquer coating on the some 4,000 silver pieces. A brief history: Winterthur was Henry Francis du Pont's home, he was an avid collector of Americana as well as an excellent gardener. The gardens at Winterthur are comparable to those of Longwood Gardens, in fact, some people prefer Winterthur's set up. Either way, he converted his country estate into a museum in 1951, and over the years, continued to donate furniture and objects to it. Winterthur is a museum that strives to educate the public about American decorative arts and is one of a few unique museums that is more or less entirely made up of period rooms. I personally think it is freaking fantastic. 9 floors, 175 rooms, all jammed with stuff.
What I am personally doing is going through each room, finding the silver objects off of a list, examining them, writing that information into Excel, finding any other information from the masses of files in the conservation office, and looking for trends, percentages, and types of damage so the museum can put together a grant to treat the silver. Silver is lacquered in museums because continual polishing actually removes a layer of silver and can, over time, wear down engravings, details, and, if it is a plated piece, can wear down to show the base metal. The original mass lacquering was in 1983-1987, and another set was done in 1998 when the lighting in the museum was redone. The majority of what we have seen were coated in that 1983-87 period, and it is amazing how well the lacquer has held up considering the amount of time it has been on. We ran into one that was coated in 1978, which is just mind boggling.
I have free access to the entire museum, as well as permission to pick up and look at any piece that I want. I have a badge that opens doors that aren't available to the public and we have the freedom to wander around wherever we want. It's awesome. The only thing that could make this any better is if they paid me. But I like it enough for it to not really be a problem just yet.
Backtracking a little bit, painting my room was a bitch and a half. We started at 7:45, painted the walls until 12:30, ate lunch, did the second coat, finished at 2:30, waited until 6:30 to start the trim, which I more or less finished up around 1:15 am. A few touchups the next day, and then I could move some furniture. However, I don't really like the set up I have right now, I think I'm going to have to switch a few things around if I'm going to be able to walk comfortably around. It's a little awkward to maneuver.
Lastly, I've gotten into the habit of writing letters, mostly because I know how much I hate it when everything in the mail is just bills and crappy coupons. I prefer to have something to look forward to, like a little surprise. I've written a few to Matt, and I'd like to expand that out to other people. Maybe tack on my grandparents, and roomates. And whoever really wants to have a letter.
That's all for now!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Painting : )
Went and picked out paint chips today, bought the cans of paint and accessories this afternoon, after dinner I'm pushing all my stuff into the middle of the room and taking down everything that's on the walls.
Tomorrow morning, the painting begins... BWAHAHAHAHAHA
I've decided to go sort of a light yellow tan, called "Soft Lemon" with a blue gray for the trim. It'll go a lot better with my current furniture, plus my room really screams little girl to me right now. I've got through so much in the past 4 years that moving back into this space makes me feel like I'm being pushed backwards not forwards. My solution, 2 gallons of paint and a lot of elbow grease. I'm just glad that not only are the parents letting me do it, but they also paid for it and offered to help. Sweeeeeeet : )
I'll post pictures when it's done.
Tomorrow morning, the painting begins... BWAHAHAHAHAHA
I've decided to go sort of a light yellow tan, called "Soft Lemon" with a blue gray for the trim. It'll go a lot better with my current furniture, plus my room really screams little girl to me right now. I've got through so much in the past 4 years that moving back into this space makes me feel like I'm being pushed backwards not forwards. My solution, 2 gallons of paint and a lot of elbow grease. I'm just glad that not only are the parents letting me do it, but they also paid for it and offered to help. Sweeeeeeet : )
I'll post pictures when it's done.
Monday, June 1, 2009
The great move home
To start, congrats to the class of 2009.
After graduation on Saturday, Matt and I headed back to my apartment to pack up a few more things before my mom was supposed to come the next day. Instead, we passed out to Kung-fu Panda, which is always excellent.
Sunday morning rolls around, it's about 11:30, and I decide we should go eat something before packing up. Mom's supposed to be here around 12:30, 1, so that's plenty of time to eat and start getting things together. At 1 I get a phone call, saying she'll leave in the next 15 minutes. At 2:30 I get another phone call saying she's going to take care of some stuff at home and then leave. At 3:45 I get a call saying she's on the Blue Route. Needless to say, I'm pretty cranky because everyone else in the world is packing up, and I need to make sure Matt gets out and past Dover before the race lets out. Thankfully Matt is a pretty patient person, otherwise I'm pretty sure moving day would have ended our relationship. I honestly think it brings out the worst in people.
Anyway, but about 2 we had everything packed up and in a pile in my room. We decided to start packing things up, which is not the thing I am best at. I can kind of visualize how things are going to work, but for some reason my brain decided it just didn't want to do that yesterday. We finally got all the crap into my car, all that was left was my bed, a dresser, and my desk sans drawers. I'm continually amazed at the amount of stuff that my car can hold, it's a constant reaffirmation of why I love it so much. We didn't need to get a Uhaul or a moving van, or any kind of anything. We took the company pick-up truck, put the bed, the desk, and the drawers in that, and we were done. Matt and Mom took off after everything was loaded, I stayed behind to finish up cleaning. Matt needed to get going to beat traffic, Mom needed to get going to beat the rain.
About an hour and a half later, I was finally finished. I scrubbed the walls, filled holes, cleaned toilets, showers, sinks, mirrors, vacuumed, and wiped out the kitchen counters and drawers. The last thing to do was just drop off my keys and call it a day.
I've been trying my best to make the transition from school apartment to my house as smooth as possible, but I severely underestimated the amount of crap that is still in my room. Over the past 8 or so years I've been in this room, I've accumulated an astounding amount of crap. There is even more stuff in the basement that I have to go through, my bathroom has hair product and makeup I haven't used since I was first introduced to it at age 12. It's a lot of just... stuff. It's ok though, I guess, I'm just throwing stuff away right and left. I've moved a bunch of things out of my room to make more space, I've consolidated the amount of clothing I have and severely cut back on shoes and purses. If I don't wear it, I don't need to keep it in my room.
As far as the room itself goes, I'm trying a slightly new layout for my stuff. What I'd love to do is paint so that the wall color and my bed color don't clash so horribly.
We'll see if that happens.
After graduation on Saturday, Matt and I headed back to my apartment to pack up a few more things before my mom was supposed to come the next day. Instead, we passed out to Kung-fu Panda, which is always excellent.
Sunday morning rolls around, it's about 11:30, and I decide we should go eat something before packing up. Mom's supposed to be here around 12:30, 1, so that's plenty of time to eat and start getting things together. At 1 I get a phone call, saying she'll leave in the next 15 minutes. At 2:30 I get another phone call saying she's going to take care of some stuff at home and then leave. At 3:45 I get a call saying she's on the Blue Route. Needless to say, I'm pretty cranky because everyone else in the world is packing up, and I need to make sure Matt gets out and past Dover before the race lets out. Thankfully Matt is a pretty patient person, otherwise I'm pretty sure moving day would have ended our relationship. I honestly think it brings out the worst in people.
Anyway, but about 2 we had everything packed up and in a pile in my room. We decided to start packing things up, which is not the thing I am best at. I can kind of visualize how things are going to work, but for some reason my brain decided it just didn't want to do that yesterday. We finally got all the crap into my car, all that was left was my bed, a dresser, and my desk sans drawers. I'm continually amazed at the amount of stuff that my car can hold, it's a constant reaffirmation of why I love it so much. We didn't need to get a Uhaul or a moving van, or any kind of anything. We took the company pick-up truck, put the bed, the desk, and the drawers in that, and we were done. Matt and Mom took off after everything was loaded, I stayed behind to finish up cleaning. Matt needed to get going to beat traffic, Mom needed to get going to beat the rain.
About an hour and a half later, I was finally finished. I scrubbed the walls, filled holes, cleaned toilets, showers, sinks, mirrors, vacuumed, and wiped out the kitchen counters and drawers. The last thing to do was just drop off my keys and call it a day.
I've been trying my best to make the transition from school apartment to my house as smooth as possible, but I severely underestimated the amount of crap that is still in my room. Over the past 8 or so years I've been in this room, I've accumulated an astounding amount of crap. There is even more stuff in the basement that I have to go through, my bathroom has hair product and makeup I haven't used since I was first introduced to it at age 12. It's a lot of just... stuff. It's ok though, I guess, I'm just throwing stuff away right and left. I've moved a bunch of things out of my room to make more space, I've consolidated the amount of clothing I have and severely cut back on shoes and purses. If I don't wear it, I don't need to keep it in my room.
As far as the room itself goes, I'm trying a slightly new layout for my stuff. What I'd love to do is paint so that the wall color and my bed color don't clash so horribly.
We'll see if that happens.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sweeeeet
Got the internship!!! I guess I must have done something right : )
I start June 10th, 3 days a week, 6 hours a day. I'm excited.
Also, just took my last final ever. I think it could have gone better.
I start June 10th, 3 days a week, 6 hours a day. I'm excited.
Also, just took my last final ever. I think it could have gone better.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Limited, Internships, and The End of College
Monday afternoon, approximately 20 minutes before one of my classes, I received a call from Winterthur to schedule an interview. I was ecstatic, naturally. I had applied for an unpaid internship and hadn't heard anything back (mainly because I'm much less consistant about reading my gmail than my udmail). However, they wanted to meet on Wednesday. Two days later. I agreed, hung up, and then went into full fledged panic.
I've been moving stuff out of my apartment willy nilly over the past couple of weeks, and naturally I had to cut a large amount of my clothing just to make the final haul easier. One of the first things to go, again because I just wasn't thinking, were my dress pants and nicer shirts. And even if I did have them, I would still not have anything really professional to wear.
Tuesday afternoon, less than 24 hours before I'm supposed to meet them, I head to the Christiana Mall. After a totally hopeless look around the department store, I headed out to The Limited. I knew they had more business-y looking things, but I never imagined how much of it I absolutely love. I want to be a business professional. And buy everything ever from their store.
Everything they have is flattering. The jackets have cute cuts, interesting details, good structure. Every coat I put on made me feel skinny. Every skirt I put on made me feel sexy. I want everything they have. EVERYTHING. I've never had anything that fit that well, it was almost tailor made for my body. Crazy. So yes, all of my professional wear shopping will be bought there, and I highly recommend that every other female in the world do it too. Plus the sales associate was so helpful and was pulling things for me to try. I finally settled on a black skirt with cute stitching and a matching short sleeve black jacket, and one of the best fitting button down shirts I've ever seen. I am in love with a store.
Anyway, finally properly dressed for the job I showed up 20 minutes early. I think the interview went really well, I've always loved Winterthur, and ever since I figured out the back roads the drive has become as beautiful as the place. I really hope that I get the internship, even if it is unpaid and Winterthur is an hour from my house in Philly. We're surveying the silver in the estate and evaluating the condition of the laquer coating that was applied 25 years ago to see how bad the damage is and to prioritize what gets fixed first. I love the country estate, I've only been in it once but I could spend all day there. It's beautiful. Everything is beautiful. I want to be there. Only thing is now I have to brush back up on my chemistry, because dear goodness is that rusty and a half.
After the interview I went and talked with Mark Anderson, one of the furniture conservators at Winterthur. He was extremely helpful and I should have introduced myself ages ago after talking to him on the phone. I need to just suck it up sometimes and not be so shy. Anyway, he gave me a list of people to call and ask about possible work or help or anything and a list of books that I should get if I want to be in this field.
As for the end of college...
I turned in my last paper on Tuesday. I had my last critiques on Wednesday. Tuesday next week is my final for History of Rock. Today I have an optional internship meeting over 6 hours that I will attend most of. Thursday following I turn in all of my reports for my internship. Saturday is Graduation. Sunday I move out. Crazy crazy crazy.
I've been moving stuff out of my apartment willy nilly over the past couple of weeks, and naturally I had to cut a large amount of my clothing just to make the final haul easier. One of the first things to go, again because I just wasn't thinking, were my dress pants and nicer shirts. And even if I did have them, I would still not have anything really professional to wear.
Tuesday afternoon, less than 24 hours before I'm supposed to meet them, I head to the Christiana Mall. After a totally hopeless look around the department store, I headed out to The Limited. I knew they had more business-y looking things, but I never imagined how much of it I absolutely love. I want to be a business professional. And buy everything ever from their store.
Everything they have is flattering. The jackets have cute cuts, interesting details, good structure. Every coat I put on made me feel skinny. Every skirt I put on made me feel sexy. I want everything they have. EVERYTHING. I've never had anything that fit that well, it was almost tailor made for my body. Crazy. So yes, all of my professional wear shopping will be bought there, and I highly recommend that every other female in the world do it too. Plus the sales associate was so helpful and was pulling things for me to try. I finally settled on a black skirt with cute stitching and a matching short sleeve black jacket, and one of the best fitting button down shirts I've ever seen. I am in love with a store.
Anyway, finally properly dressed for the job I showed up 20 minutes early. I think the interview went really well, I've always loved Winterthur, and ever since I figured out the back roads the drive has become as beautiful as the place. I really hope that I get the internship, even if it is unpaid and Winterthur is an hour from my house in Philly. We're surveying the silver in the estate and evaluating the condition of the laquer coating that was applied 25 years ago to see how bad the damage is and to prioritize what gets fixed first. I love the country estate, I've only been in it once but I could spend all day there. It's beautiful. Everything is beautiful. I want to be there. Only thing is now I have to brush back up on my chemistry, because dear goodness is that rusty and a half.
After the interview I went and talked with Mark Anderson, one of the furniture conservators at Winterthur. He was extremely helpful and I should have introduced myself ages ago after talking to him on the phone. I need to just suck it up sometimes and not be so shy. Anyway, he gave me a list of people to call and ask about possible work or help or anything and a list of books that I should get if I want to be in this field.
As for the end of college...
I turned in my last paper on Tuesday. I had my last critiques on Wednesday. Tuesday next week is my final for History of Rock. Today I have an optional internship meeting over 6 hours that I will attend most of. Thursday following I turn in all of my reports for my internship. Saturday is Graduation. Sunday I move out. Crazy crazy crazy.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Eeeeeeesh....
I need to learn to check what I say when I'm angry or on a roll. Things have a rather unfortunate way of getting back to the people you're talking about. Granted, I really don't care about having any kind of relationship with that person, but for Matt's sake, I should really tone it down. While I don't really feel guilty about actually saying what I did, I do feel badly that it's made things more difficult and has created more drama.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The art of slacking
I do believe it is an art. At the very least there's a science to it, and I like to believe that I have juuuuuust about perfected it.
College was described to me when I was in high school to be approximately 5 times as much work as high school was. I would like to disagree. The literal amount of work that they assign is comparable to high school, the actual amount of work required is significantly less. At least, on the surface, it is. There is so much more downtime in college than there was in high school, and class now has that sort of "optional" feel, depending on the class. For instance, people skip class just to skip it and sleep, if they don't feel well, or if they feel like that time could be spent doing something else productive (This last one is my reason for today. We'll ignore the fact for now that I've spent the past 45 minutes putzing around the internet).
I have discovered that a minimal amount of work is actually necessary to do well in a course. Do the readings beforehand, if it's a literature course, if it's a lecture on history or something, generally the book readings aren't helpful until studying for the test. Professors cover the material you were required to read, and the majority of them say that if it wasn't covered in class, it won't be on the test. Reading after the class makes it so you only read what is necessary. Granted, there are some interesting things you could learn if you read all of everything, but I'm not talking about going above and beyond. I've had this method since high school and so far it's landed me on Dean's List for the past 3 semesters (the first two years had one semester on Dean's List, the others were doomed by chemistry and failing relationships).
Basic Rules:
1. Make sure you do the reading for lit classes. This will make your professor happy, plus you'll be able to talk about it in class. Generally, part of your grade for these types of classes comes from participation. Kill two birds with one stone by being prepared. If you feel like you can't come up with anything interesting to say besides "I liked it" you can quick google a quick lit analysis, or sparknotes the important themes.
2. The paper can, in fact, be written the night before. This applies mostly to shorter papers that are 2-6 pages long and don't require any research. The most important part for this to be successful is to make sure you read over it and edit it quickly before you hand it in the morning it is due. It's pretty simple. Longer papers, and papers that require research should be started a few days in advance. Research papers can be written all in one go, as long as the research is there to pull from. Longer papers are generally a two or three day process for me, and also should be looked over once before handing in, at least if the paper was finished the night before. Also, make sure you have your citations reference guide open at the same time so you can double check your work is consistent.
3. Test studying can also be done the day before. I'd give it the majority of the day, doing an hour or so here and there. I like to do it by reading the book, then looking over the notes, then any other information sources that may be applicable (music samples for music classes, slides for art classes and the like). Harder tests, or tests that you know you know nothing for because you either a) slept through the class half the time or b) just cannot understand the material should be started much earlier. I'd give it 3 days. 2 classes that applied to this rule were Microeconomics because I slept AND didn't understand it, and chem for the same reasons.
4. Art projects are something that require more time, and you should utilize the class time to the best of your ability. If it requires outside work, then go for it, but plan accordingly. If you are painting a still life, and one of the objects is yours, paint it last because that part can be filled in at home. If you're doing something that is a composite of real life and an image, save the image for last because that can be done at home. These tend to be things that are a little harder to put off, so I tend to be more on top of them than other classes.
And that is my guide to slacking. Joy.
College was described to me when I was in high school to be approximately 5 times as much work as high school was. I would like to disagree. The literal amount of work that they assign is comparable to high school, the actual amount of work required is significantly less. At least, on the surface, it is. There is so much more downtime in college than there was in high school, and class now has that sort of "optional" feel, depending on the class. For instance, people skip class just to skip it and sleep, if they don't feel well, or if they feel like that time could be spent doing something else productive (This last one is my reason for today. We'll ignore the fact for now that I've spent the past 45 minutes putzing around the internet).
I have discovered that a minimal amount of work is actually necessary to do well in a course. Do the readings beforehand, if it's a literature course, if it's a lecture on history or something, generally the book readings aren't helpful until studying for the test. Professors cover the material you were required to read, and the majority of them say that if it wasn't covered in class, it won't be on the test. Reading after the class makes it so you only read what is necessary. Granted, there are some interesting things you could learn if you read all of everything, but I'm not talking about going above and beyond. I've had this method since high school and so far it's landed me on Dean's List for the past 3 semesters (the first two years had one semester on Dean's List, the others were doomed by chemistry and failing relationships).
Basic Rules:
1. Make sure you do the reading for lit classes. This will make your professor happy, plus you'll be able to talk about it in class. Generally, part of your grade for these types of classes comes from participation. Kill two birds with one stone by being prepared. If you feel like you can't come up with anything interesting to say besides "I liked it" you can quick google a quick lit analysis, or sparknotes the important themes.
2. The paper can, in fact, be written the night before. This applies mostly to shorter papers that are 2-6 pages long and don't require any research. The most important part for this to be successful is to make sure you read over it and edit it quickly before you hand it in the morning it is due. It's pretty simple. Longer papers, and papers that require research should be started a few days in advance. Research papers can be written all in one go, as long as the research is there to pull from. Longer papers are generally a two or three day process for me, and also should be looked over once before handing in, at least if the paper was finished the night before. Also, make sure you have your citations reference guide open at the same time so you can double check your work is consistent.
3. Test studying can also be done the day before. I'd give it the majority of the day, doing an hour or so here and there. I like to do it by reading the book, then looking over the notes, then any other information sources that may be applicable (music samples for music classes, slides for art classes and the like). Harder tests, or tests that you know you know nothing for because you either a) slept through the class half the time or b) just cannot understand the material should be started much earlier. I'd give it 3 days. 2 classes that applied to this rule were Microeconomics because I slept AND didn't understand it, and chem for the same reasons.
4. Art projects are something that require more time, and you should utilize the class time to the best of your ability. If it requires outside work, then go for it, but plan accordingly. If you are painting a still life, and one of the objects is yours, paint it last because that part can be filled in at home. If you're doing something that is a composite of real life and an image, save the image for last because that can be done at home. These tend to be things that are a little harder to put off, so I tend to be more on top of them than other classes.
And that is my guide to slacking. Joy.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Due to Insomnia
It's 12:45 am. I should be sound asleep right now, but instead, on the night before the morning when I have to be up at 6 am to take a roll of film, my brain is stubbornly awake. This unfortunate state has left me to think about all kinds of things, from Italian short stories and novels, to my ex-boyfriend and wondering just how badly he fucked me up.
Anyway, let's talk about my persistent fear of abandonment. That's what's been bothering me mostly. It's been in conversations everywhere, including one that I just had with Matt not too long ago. I'd like to say my fear spawned when I was little, but I don't think that's quite true. Granted, my dad did leave me in the mall for a good 20 minutes (he claims it was much less, and that he didn't leave me, he went up the escalator and didn't realize I wasn't behind him), but I still can't say that it was so traumatic to scar me for the rest of my life. I don't know when it started. I do know, most definitively, that this fear has seriously scarred me in my relationships and in how I deal with people in general.
I need to keep an eye on everyone. I feel the need, when I'm out with a group of people, to know where everyone is. It's like I'm afraid that if one person starts going, then the rest will, and viola, there I am on my own. For instance, I went to Italy (I can't remember if I posted this earlier or not) but we went into a church as a group. We were allowed to wander around, and one by one, I lost sight of everyone. I scoured the church, I looked everywhere that I was allowed to go. After a frantic 5 minutes of silent freak-out and panic, I decided that I would go outside. If they weren't outside, I'd go back to the hotel and wait. When I walked out the door, there was everyone, just smiling and laughing. They'd intentionally left. Not as a mean joke, and certainly not knowing that I am absolutely paranoid, but they'd cleared out and no one had told me. I went back to the hotel and cried for 20 minutes.
I have a hard time trusting people in relationships. This one I know spawned from ex. There are few things more damaging to someone's psyche than to have someone feed you the expectation that you'll be together for a good long while (perhaps not forever, I don't think we ever got to the marriage talk, but we discussed kids and moving in together and the like) just to one day have them no longer be interested. Two years of intensity, gone up in smoke like someone just cut the switch. It's... bizarre. This was then followed by a second, sort of half boyfriend half disaster who fed me the same lines. That I was the perfect girl. I was The One. No one could possibly be better for him than me. After I told him I didn't think it would work out, a day later he was on to the next one and saying he was over me like I was nothing. Anyway, since then, whenever someone says that I'm the love of their life, and that they'll never leave me, I have a little voice inside me that says "Oh yeah? How long do you plan on keeping that up? When's your little switch going to turn off and you just look past me?"
I worry that I drive people away. I see myself in relationships doing things that are mean, or petty, or nitpicky and naggy. I see it. I hear what I'm saying and I think to myself "Christ, you're being a bitch. Knock it off." I can see the aggravation growing and I know that I'm pushing buttons. I see it build and build and I worry that one day, since I can't stop myself, I'm going to push to far and they'll up and go. I know that it's not all me, and that I'm not as bad as I see myself, but I've sat and disected my last relationships and I feel like in a way it was my fault. I know the majority wasn't, I've come to terms with that, but I am just worried that whatever percentage was my part is going to be more than what Matt can take.
It's not even just in relationships. It's in friendships, too. I worry that I sleep in too much or stay in my room too much and that my roomates don't like it. I worry that I forget to pick up something that I was supposed to and they'll be mad. I worry that I lose track of time and miss a party that I had promised to go to and they'll never speak to me again. I worry that I show up late to a bar when the other person has been punctual to a tee that they'll be mad at me forever or hold it against me. It's a continual fear that if I do something wrong people will leave me. I'm terrified of it, and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm fully aware, in my own rational self, that this isn't true. I know that Matt loves me, and that he sees past and accepts me for all that I am: nagging, poking, annoying, but loving and caring and supportive. I know that my friends have pulled me through hell and that I've been there for them to do the same, and I know that me showing up late once isn't going to ruin that. But there's always that fear that maybe this will be the time I've pushed too far. Maybe this is the time they won't forgive me for who I am. Maybe they'll stop loving me, too.
I get defensive. I over react. I expect the worst. I set up my guard, just in case that this time, they won't smile and laugh it off. It's even in normal conversation with Matt. If we have a problem, we talk it out, and that's one of the things I love about him. The only thing is that we talk things out very slowly. It's a lot of "talk-pause-process-pause-respond-pause-process" and in that time when he's processing I think he's mad. Or if I throw him a curveball, because a lot of the things I get mad over have deeper roots (Dear God do I need a therapist just so they can sort me out) he gets thrown off guard and I think that he's hurt. And then I get upset that I upset him, and wish I hadn't said anything at all. Then he gets upset that I'm upset that he's upset that I'm upset with him. It just goes on sometimes. I just assume that everyone is going to react like I would: Badly. So I prepare for myself, which is, most of the time, overkill. And dead wrong.
I could really just go on. I'm sure that it's not that bad. I'm sure that I have redeeming qualities. I just feel so wrapped up in the negative that I can't break free at the moment. I'm so worried all the time. It worries Matt. It's a cycle. He can calm me down though. There's no reason for me to be so uptight, but I guess it's just how I am right now.
Here to hoping for a mellower tomorrow.
Anyway, let's talk about my persistent fear of abandonment. That's what's been bothering me mostly. It's been in conversations everywhere, including one that I just had with Matt not too long ago. I'd like to say my fear spawned when I was little, but I don't think that's quite true. Granted, my dad did leave me in the mall for a good 20 minutes (he claims it was much less, and that he didn't leave me, he went up the escalator and didn't realize I wasn't behind him), but I still can't say that it was so traumatic to scar me for the rest of my life. I don't know when it started. I do know, most definitively, that this fear has seriously scarred me in my relationships and in how I deal with people in general.
I need to keep an eye on everyone. I feel the need, when I'm out with a group of people, to know where everyone is. It's like I'm afraid that if one person starts going, then the rest will, and viola, there I am on my own. For instance, I went to Italy (I can't remember if I posted this earlier or not) but we went into a church as a group. We were allowed to wander around, and one by one, I lost sight of everyone. I scoured the church, I looked everywhere that I was allowed to go. After a frantic 5 minutes of silent freak-out and panic, I decided that I would go outside. If they weren't outside, I'd go back to the hotel and wait. When I walked out the door, there was everyone, just smiling and laughing. They'd intentionally left. Not as a mean joke, and certainly not knowing that I am absolutely paranoid, but they'd cleared out and no one had told me. I went back to the hotel and cried for 20 minutes.
I have a hard time trusting people in relationships. This one I know spawned from ex. There are few things more damaging to someone's psyche than to have someone feed you the expectation that you'll be together for a good long while (perhaps not forever, I don't think we ever got to the marriage talk, but we discussed kids and moving in together and the like) just to one day have them no longer be interested. Two years of intensity, gone up in smoke like someone just cut the switch. It's... bizarre. This was then followed by a second, sort of half boyfriend half disaster who fed me the same lines. That I was the perfect girl. I was The One. No one could possibly be better for him than me. After I told him I didn't think it would work out, a day later he was on to the next one and saying he was over me like I was nothing. Anyway, since then, whenever someone says that I'm the love of their life, and that they'll never leave me, I have a little voice inside me that says "Oh yeah? How long do you plan on keeping that up? When's your little switch going to turn off and you just look past me?"
I worry that I drive people away. I see myself in relationships doing things that are mean, or petty, or nitpicky and naggy. I see it. I hear what I'm saying and I think to myself "Christ, you're being a bitch. Knock it off." I can see the aggravation growing and I know that I'm pushing buttons. I see it build and build and I worry that one day, since I can't stop myself, I'm going to push to far and they'll up and go. I know that it's not all me, and that I'm not as bad as I see myself, but I've sat and disected my last relationships and I feel like in a way it was my fault. I know the majority wasn't, I've come to terms with that, but I am just worried that whatever percentage was my part is going to be more than what Matt can take.
It's not even just in relationships. It's in friendships, too. I worry that I sleep in too much or stay in my room too much and that my roomates don't like it. I worry that I forget to pick up something that I was supposed to and they'll be mad. I worry that I lose track of time and miss a party that I had promised to go to and they'll never speak to me again. I worry that I show up late to a bar when the other person has been punctual to a tee that they'll be mad at me forever or hold it against me. It's a continual fear that if I do something wrong people will leave me. I'm terrified of it, and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm fully aware, in my own rational self, that this isn't true. I know that Matt loves me, and that he sees past and accepts me for all that I am: nagging, poking, annoying, but loving and caring and supportive. I know that my friends have pulled me through hell and that I've been there for them to do the same, and I know that me showing up late once isn't going to ruin that. But there's always that fear that maybe this will be the time I've pushed too far. Maybe this is the time they won't forgive me for who I am. Maybe they'll stop loving me, too.
I get defensive. I over react. I expect the worst. I set up my guard, just in case that this time, they won't smile and laugh it off. It's even in normal conversation with Matt. If we have a problem, we talk it out, and that's one of the things I love about him. The only thing is that we talk things out very slowly. It's a lot of "talk-pause-process-pause-respond-pause-process" and in that time when he's processing I think he's mad. Or if I throw him a curveball, because a lot of the things I get mad over have deeper roots (Dear God do I need a therapist just so they can sort me out) he gets thrown off guard and I think that he's hurt. And then I get upset that I upset him, and wish I hadn't said anything at all. Then he gets upset that I'm upset that he's upset that I'm upset with him. It just goes on sometimes. I just assume that everyone is going to react like I would: Badly. So I prepare for myself, which is, most of the time, overkill. And dead wrong.
I could really just go on. I'm sure that it's not that bad. I'm sure that I have redeeming qualities. I just feel so wrapped up in the negative that I can't break free at the moment. I'm so worried all the time. It worries Matt. It's a cycle. He can calm me down though. There's no reason for me to be so uptight, but I guess it's just how I am right now.
Here to hoping for a mellower tomorrow.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Countdown
Less than one month left before graduation. Here's the basic countdown:
Thursday- Honors Day
Friday- Head to Syracuse for Brother's Graduation
Saturday- SU Graduation
One week of classes
Another week of classes
Memorial Day Weekend
Finals Week
Graduation- May 30th
Move back home- May 31st
Less than a MONTH, people! I keep going back and forth between being excited to get out and being depressed that I won't be here anymore. It probably hasn't helped that the weather has been as fickle as my mood and that the Swine Flu has made a nationwide news appearance here on campus. Nothing quite like walking to class and seeing people in respirator masks. Good times. Hopefully the hype will die down, and we can get back on with our lives without being afraid of going outside. And maybe the sun will shine again soon, too.
Thursday- Honors Day
Friday- Head to Syracuse for Brother's Graduation
Saturday- SU Graduation
One week of classes
Another week of classes
Memorial Day Weekend
Finals Week
Graduation- May 30th
Move back home- May 31st
Less than a MONTH, people! I keep going back and forth between being excited to get out and being depressed that I won't be here anymore. It probably hasn't helped that the weather has been as fickle as my mood and that the Swine Flu has made a nationwide news appearance here on campus. Nothing quite like walking to class and seeing people in respirator masks. Good times. Hopefully the hype will die down, and we can get back on with our lives without being afraid of going outside. And maybe the sun will shine again soon, too.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Why 3:30 Cannot Come Soon Enough
The past two nights I've gotten 12 hours of sleep, and 9 hours of sleep. The unfortunate part of this is that I've been waking up at 7:45 and then forcing myself to sleep longer just because I know the day doesn't have to begin yet. This morning I have: Picked up my room, eaten breakfast, unloaded the dishwasher, done put away the dishes in the drying rack, read two chapters in my History of Rock book, made asparagus, gone to Wawa, and it is still, despairingly, only 1:35. I'm at a loss of what to do next.
Matt was up for almost two weeks, and while there were some rough spots and a lack of sleep, I at least had something (or someone) to fill my day with things to do. Now that he's not around, I have less to do at night, go to bed earlier, and therefore wake up earlier. I'm ahead on my work right now, it's insane. I'm cracking on things that aren't due until Thursday. It's driving me mad.
All I want right now is to curl up in bed and take a nap, but at this point there isn't quite enough time. I think I'll do it anyway.
It does make me realize just how dependent I am on him for entertainment though. And how good I've gotten and juggling what I need to do and how quickly I can get it done. I do miss the snuggles though...
Matt was up for almost two weeks, and while there were some rough spots and a lack of sleep, I at least had something (or someone) to fill my day with things to do. Now that he's not around, I have less to do at night, go to bed earlier, and therefore wake up earlier. I'm ahead on my work right now, it's insane. I'm cracking on things that aren't due until Thursday. It's driving me mad.
All I want right now is to curl up in bed and take a nap, but at this point there isn't quite enough time. I think I'll do it anyway.
It does make me realize just how dependent I am on him for entertainment though. And how good I've gotten and juggling what I need to do and how quickly I can get it done. I do miss the snuggles though...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Likes and Dislikes
I've been thinking about this post for a while, but I haven't gotten around to writing it. (Excuse time!) Between being sick, having my computer die, being in and out of connection areas, and school finally getting rolling, I haven't had much time to really think about this site. Anyway, here are a couple of things I like, or don't.
Like: Playing with puppies, even if I'm highly allergic.
Dislike: The fact that wet dog is both a potent and lingering scent.
Like: Rolling over and finding the cool/warm spot on the bed, depending on if it's summer or winter
Like: Waking up without an alarm
Dislike: Waking up at like 6 am and not being able to fall back asleep. Especially if I don't have to be anywhere until noon.
Like: Waking up next to someone I love
Like: Snuggling, cuddling, hugging, any form of physical affection
Like: Being able to hold a conversation based entirely on noise, not words.
Dislike: Missing someone so much it physically hurts.
Dislike: People who claim to have changed and haven't.
Like: Pictures of anything that can make me smile
Dislike: Developer ruins clothing
Like: Flowers for no reason, small things that make others smile
Dislike: Being disappointed
Dislike: Having to make responsible decisions despite what I really want
Like: The smell after it rains, thunderstorms
Dislike: When plans suddenly get changed
Like: The smell of almost anything baking
Dislike: When nothing fits the way it should
Dislike: When things don't work the way they should
Like: Big families
Dislike: Staying way too long at family events
Like: Feeling smart, getting answers right, feeling accomplished
Dislike: Being talked down to
Dislike: Rude e-mails or managers
Like: The way Matt's hair sticks up in the morning
Dislike: The way MY hair sticks up in the morning
Like: Soulmates
Like: Getting mail
Like: The smell of bonfires or wood burning
Like: People who can calm me down
Dislike: No one being there when I need someone
Dislike: Crying for no reason
Dislike: Waking up angry
I could really go on for pretty much forever, but I guess I should go and get on with my day. I've already decided to skip my first class, but the rest of the day is just work. I hate when I wake up and just don't want to do anything. Off to it.
Like: Playing with puppies, even if I'm highly allergic.
Dislike: The fact that wet dog is both a potent and lingering scent.
Like: Rolling over and finding the cool/warm spot on the bed, depending on if it's summer or winter
Like: Waking up without an alarm
Dislike: Waking up at like 6 am and not being able to fall back asleep. Especially if I don't have to be anywhere until noon.
Like: Waking up next to someone I love
Like: Snuggling, cuddling, hugging, any form of physical affection
Like: Being able to hold a conversation based entirely on noise, not words.
Dislike: Missing someone so much it physically hurts.
Dislike: People who claim to have changed and haven't.
Like: Pictures of anything that can make me smile
Dislike: Developer ruins clothing
Like: Flowers for no reason, small things that make others smile
Dislike: Being disappointed
Dislike: Having to make responsible decisions despite what I really want
Like: The smell after it rains, thunderstorms
Dislike: When plans suddenly get changed
Like: The smell of almost anything baking
Dislike: When nothing fits the way it should
Dislike: When things don't work the way they should
Like: Big families
Dislike: Staying way too long at family events
Like: Feeling smart, getting answers right, feeling accomplished
Dislike: Being talked down to
Dislike: Rude e-mails or managers
Like: The way Matt's hair sticks up in the morning
Dislike: The way MY hair sticks up in the morning
Like: Soulmates
Like: Getting mail
Like: The smell of bonfires or wood burning
Like: People who can calm me down
Dislike: No one being there when I need someone
Dislike: Crying for no reason
Dislike: Waking up angry
I could really go on for pretty much forever, but I guess I should go and get on with my day. I've already decided to skip my first class, but the rest of the day is just work. I hate when I wake up and just don't want to do anything. Off to it.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Slowing Down
I came to the realization on my way home today that I've slowed down a lot, especially in this one semester. Granted, I'm coming back from two weeks of being sick with two different, unrelated illnesses, but I still think that part of my nature has changed, even if it is just a little. I think a lot more now, about things that are really rather unimportant. Like the way a shadow falls on bricks or the way the snow is melting in different patterns from where people have walked. I look at the icicles that hang off people's cars and the way the water runs down the sidewalk. I'm looking up more than down when I walk. I guess I'm just trying to take in the last bit of Newark while I can. It's sort of frightening and sad to think that in a few months I won't live here anymore, I won't be coming back after the summer ends, I won't be seeing my friends on a regular basis, much less live with them. Sure, people will be around, but this is sort of the end of a major chapter, and that's both sad and exciting. I'm done with college. I'm done with the work and the tests and the not being out in the world. At some point in time my mind clicked into a different setting, and I'm ready to see what comes next.
Doesn't mean I won't miss it like crazy, though. This is probably the best year I've ever had, as far as just being happy goes. I'm thrilled with my apartment, my roommates, my friends, my boyfriend... the family's a little rough but we're pulling through. I woke up this morning and felt like I was beaming, I was just happy to be where I am. I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't be sure that I've ever felt quite this good, consistently, too. It just saddens me to think that now that everything seems to be coming together and everything is going well, I have to leave it all come June. I don't want these months to fly like they have been. Soon it'll be spring break and Matt's birthday, then it'll be April and Mary's. Then it's just a hop, skip, and a jump to Graduation. And Life.
We're growing up, kids.
Doesn't mean I won't miss it like crazy, though. This is probably the best year I've ever had, as far as just being happy goes. I'm thrilled with my apartment, my roommates, my friends, my boyfriend... the family's a little rough but we're pulling through. I woke up this morning and felt like I was beaming, I was just happy to be where I am. I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't be sure that I've ever felt quite this good, consistently, too. It just saddens me to think that now that everything seems to be coming together and everything is going well, I have to leave it all come June. I don't want these months to fly like they have been. Soon it'll be spring break and Matt's birthday, then it'll be April and Mary's. Then it's just a hop, skip, and a jump to Graduation. And Life.
We're growing up, kids.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
5 Hour Phone Conversation
There's always that point in time with a new relationship when you spend hours upon hours upon hours on the phone at night, talking about everything and anything. However, I feel like that normally dies down after the first month or so. Then it drops to just calling to say goodnight, or not really calling at all.
I had thought we were done with the long talks that ramble here and there, I thought that maybe we'd run out of things to say.
I was most definitely wrong.
Granted, it's still pretty early in the relationship, but we'd sort of died down to "how was your day?" conversations over the past month or so, sometimes skipping talking at night if one person was busy or had people over or whatever. Out of what seems like nowhere, for the past two nights we've been on the phone for 4+ hours each night. And every time we talk, it's like there's a whole new set of things we could talk about the next night. What's even crazier is that it doesn't feel like four hours have passed. It feels like maybe 1, an hour and a half at the most. I looked at my watch last night and was shocked that it read 3:45.
I love it. I love that our conversations can go from something silly to something sentimental, that we can talk about something that's upsetting one of us and still be able to bring the conversation back up to a happy beat. I like that he can say that something's bothering him, and I'm glad that I feel the same way. I feel like a lot of my problems before stemmed from either me not saying what was bothering me, or me being oblivious to the fact that I was doing something they didn't like. Granted, it's never fun to hear that you're doing something wrong, but I want to fix it. I want to be a better girlfriend than I may have been before. There's something about it that just makes me feel good. I want to make him happy, just as much as he wants me to be happy with him.
I think it's refreshingly healthy. I don't worry about what he'll do if I'm not around, I don't worry about my family or friends getting along with him, I don't worry about the fact that there's 2 hours distance. Sure, going from seeing each other on almost a weekly basis to having to wait 2 weeks or more is kind of rough, and sharing a tiny twin bed when I visit is also a challenge (I love my queen. It's just the right amount of room) but on the whole, I couldn't be happier. I feel better, I'm more optimistic, I'm less worried and stressed... I was worried for a while that I'd never find something as good as I thought my last relationship was. To have this be better than that in every way is something that just baffles me. I'm speechless.
I think that's all I have in me for now.
I had thought we were done with the long talks that ramble here and there, I thought that maybe we'd run out of things to say.
I was most definitely wrong.
Granted, it's still pretty early in the relationship, but we'd sort of died down to "how was your day?" conversations over the past month or so, sometimes skipping talking at night if one person was busy or had people over or whatever. Out of what seems like nowhere, for the past two nights we've been on the phone for 4+ hours each night. And every time we talk, it's like there's a whole new set of things we could talk about the next night. What's even crazier is that it doesn't feel like four hours have passed. It feels like maybe 1, an hour and a half at the most. I looked at my watch last night and was shocked that it read 3:45.
I love it. I love that our conversations can go from something silly to something sentimental, that we can talk about something that's upsetting one of us and still be able to bring the conversation back up to a happy beat. I like that he can say that something's bothering him, and I'm glad that I feel the same way. I feel like a lot of my problems before stemmed from either me not saying what was bothering me, or me being oblivious to the fact that I was doing something they didn't like. Granted, it's never fun to hear that you're doing something wrong, but I want to fix it. I want to be a better girlfriend than I may have been before. There's something about it that just makes me feel good. I want to make him happy, just as much as he wants me to be happy with him.
I think it's refreshingly healthy. I don't worry about what he'll do if I'm not around, I don't worry about my family or friends getting along with him, I don't worry about the fact that there's 2 hours distance. Sure, going from seeing each other on almost a weekly basis to having to wait 2 weeks or more is kind of rough, and sharing a tiny twin bed when I visit is also a challenge (I love my queen. It's just the right amount of room) but on the whole, I couldn't be happier. I feel better, I'm more optimistic, I'm less worried and stressed... I was worried for a while that I'd never find something as good as I thought my last relationship was. To have this be better than that in every way is something that just baffles me. I'm speechless.
I think that's all I have in me for now.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
It's been a long, long time...
I know it's late January, but it's been a good start to the resolution season. At least I think it has.
Let's see... Resolution list update:
1. Let shit go.
Well, I've been working on it. I find that I have to do a lot of forgiving, and it's mostly of myself. Most of the anger that I hold on to is that I've let things happen to me, and there is just no excuse for it. I'm angry at myself for getting into certain situations, for letting myself get as far away from who I am as I have. I don't know if that makes much sense, but a lot of my problems have been self inflicted, and I've been blaming the wrong people. So far, while it's been hard to let go of some of those hard feelings and issues that have built up over the past however many months or years, I think I've found a lot of clarity, and I think it's something that's good for me. On the whole, I'm a lot prouder of who I am right now and the things I am doing with my life than I have in a long time. I feel like I'm finally taking charge and dealing with things instead of just moping about how awful things have been. I don't want to be that girl anymore, so I'm not.
2. Go to the gym.
Well, it hasn't been the gym, but I signed up for hot yoga at the nearby shopping center. I've been pretty good about going 5 times a week, some weeks are a little rougher than others. While I haven't really lost weight, I feel a hell of a lot better and stronger than I did, and I think things fit better. Maybe the number will go down with a little more time, after all, this is only week 3.
3. Keep up with the work....
Oh dear... That one hasn't gone too well. At least I'm not obnoxiously far behind. I'm part way through a paper, I have most of the research, and I have a decent idea for my presentation... Does it matter that I'm 4 days behind in the reading??
4. Make more art.
Partial success for month one. I dropped my studio class because I didn't like the subject and there wasn't enough time or decent materials to make anything that I would want to keep. I have been sketching here and there, though. Maybe I'll move on to painting again.
5. Learn to cook healthy and well.
Definitely been cooking more. And more things from scratch. I've been on the dailyplate.com working on tracking my calories and the foods that I eat. I still slip from time to time, I have a problem snacking, but I'm definitely making more pasta, chicken, and eating more veggies. I'm a fan of salads... : )
As for the holidays, they were okay. There was a bit of family drama, and I'll have to do a post about Las Vegas at some point. I jotted down some notes about where we went and what we did (I know, something that actually pertains to the blog's original purpose!). Matt met the family, which went pretty well, considering the crap he was coming into. Nothing like a parental spat 40 minutes before you get there to really make the house seem welcome and friendly. The family seems to like him, I think they'll like him more the more they see him. My roomates love him, as do most of my friends here (at least the ones he's met). Things are going well in that area.
I'm still deciding what I want to do for next year. New Orleans is looking better and better, especially if the acceptance rate is as high as they say. I know they're desperate for people, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for the move. I think once I set my mind to it I'll be good. I just have to get my resume together and all the crap that goes with it.
On a side note, the first thing I'm buying when I'm a real person is a new laptop. The n button has stopped working, and sometimes the left click doesn't work too well either. Plus, I think it has more viruses than I can count. Every day I run a virus scan, and every day I get rid of at least 20 files. It's horrid.
That's all for now : )
I miss Siena.
Let's see... Resolution list update:
1. Let shit go.
Well, I've been working on it. I find that I have to do a lot of forgiving, and it's mostly of myself. Most of the anger that I hold on to is that I've let things happen to me, and there is just no excuse for it. I'm angry at myself for getting into certain situations, for letting myself get as far away from who I am as I have. I don't know if that makes much sense, but a lot of my problems have been self inflicted, and I've been blaming the wrong people. So far, while it's been hard to let go of some of those hard feelings and issues that have built up over the past however many months or years, I think I've found a lot of clarity, and I think it's something that's good for me. On the whole, I'm a lot prouder of who I am right now and the things I am doing with my life than I have in a long time. I feel like I'm finally taking charge and dealing with things instead of just moping about how awful things have been. I don't want to be that girl anymore, so I'm not.
2. Go to the gym.
Well, it hasn't been the gym, but I signed up for hot yoga at the nearby shopping center. I've been pretty good about going 5 times a week, some weeks are a little rougher than others. While I haven't really lost weight, I feel a hell of a lot better and stronger than I did, and I think things fit better. Maybe the number will go down with a little more time, after all, this is only week 3.
3. Keep up with the work....
Oh dear... That one hasn't gone too well. At least I'm not obnoxiously far behind. I'm part way through a paper, I have most of the research, and I have a decent idea for my presentation... Does it matter that I'm 4 days behind in the reading??
4. Make more art.
Partial success for month one. I dropped my studio class because I didn't like the subject and there wasn't enough time or decent materials to make anything that I would want to keep. I have been sketching here and there, though. Maybe I'll move on to painting again.
5. Learn to cook healthy and well.
Definitely been cooking more. And more things from scratch. I've been on the dailyplate.com working on tracking my calories and the foods that I eat. I still slip from time to time, I have a problem snacking, but I'm definitely making more pasta, chicken, and eating more veggies. I'm a fan of salads... : )
As for the holidays, they were okay. There was a bit of family drama, and I'll have to do a post about Las Vegas at some point. I jotted down some notes about where we went and what we did (I know, something that actually pertains to the blog's original purpose!). Matt met the family, which went pretty well, considering the crap he was coming into. Nothing like a parental spat 40 minutes before you get there to really make the house seem welcome and friendly. The family seems to like him, I think they'll like him more the more they see him. My roomates love him, as do most of my friends here (at least the ones he's met). Things are going well in that area.
I'm still deciding what I want to do for next year. New Orleans is looking better and better, especially if the acceptance rate is as high as they say. I know they're desperate for people, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for the move. I think once I set my mind to it I'll be good. I just have to get my resume together and all the crap that goes with it.
On a side note, the first thing I'm buying when I'm a real person is a new laptop. The n button has stopped working, and sometimes the left click doesn't work too well either. Plus, I think it has more viruses than I can count. Every day I run a virus scan, and every day I get rid of at least 20 files. It's horrid.
That's all for now : )
I miss Siena.
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