I can't sleep. It's a problem I have when I'm home and it's spreading to other places. I know why I can't sleep. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed (Therapist man thinks so, too.) and I think that's really screwing with my sleep. I'm stressed out, I'm bottling up a lot of emotions, I'm dwelling on things more than I should, and not sleeping just exacerbates all of it.
It makes me hurt more. It makes me more sensitive to comments and to emotions. I'm mood swingy, going from nostalgic to sad to angry in record time. In some ways I know that I'm overreacting, but in others I feel like what I say in those moods is true and honest, more so than if I was just "normal." I tend to sugar coat and repress whatever I'm feeling or rationalize everything if I get the chance to control my emotions.
I've been hurting a lot. My parents divorce is killing me because I have to watch it dissolve slowly day by day, and watch two people who were once so affectionate and kind towards each other barely break past civility. My work situation is stressful because everyone is trying to pit everyone against Bill. I've bounced back and forth a dozen times as to how I feel about him and whether he's a monster, a saint, or just human like the rest of us. My relationship has been nothing but a rollercoaster this month. It's something that can bring me a lot of comfort and joy and escape from the rest of my stress, or it can be something that is the icing on the stress cake.
I'm tired of flopping back and forth with me emotions. I'm tired of having to make what feel like giant decisions. I'm tired of taking everyone else's stress and pain and troubles and making them my own. I just don't know how to make it stop.
