I am starting to feel better. I've calmed down a little, I've started to go to the gym, which surprisingly helps me relax a little more. I've decided that I've been really proactive over the past couple of weeks and that I really deserve a break. I'm done with forcing things, I'm going to see what happens if I just let the fates that be take care of me, and to not freak out about making sure things work the way that I think that they should. If there is one thing I have learned, it's that I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I should listen more to my heart and my gut and less to what my brain tells me is the way things should go.
So far... It's been pretty successful :) I'm happy, probably for the first time in months.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I'm Trying
I've been away from this for a long time.
A month has passed, and in some ways it's easier. I'm not spontaneously crying any more, we're slowing pulling our lives back together. I joined a gym, I've started to change my diet so I'm eating things that are better for me and that will help me be a stronger person. I got my application for Delaware in and I'm almost done the one for Buffalo. I feel more like me than I have in a month, possibly longer. I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of being exhausted, I'm tired of not having the emotional stamina to get through the day. So I'm working to change my life and change myself and change my situation.
In some ways, it's so much harder. It still feels so surreal, like Jess just moved out to some other country. I can't really remember as well as I used to. I try to picture her face and voice and laugh and it's all a little bit blurry and off. I don't like that. Mary is having a worse time now than she was before. I think her heart is broken and her life is broken and she's had to just gather her broken self up and drag it forward just to keep moving. I think she's tired of it, I think it's absolutely exhausted her and I think she is angry.
My anger's died down a little. I'm not as angry as I was, I'm exhausted and I'm sad. I feel like life is brutally unfair. I need to stop being afraid, though. If anything good has come out of this it is that I've realized that no one is promised tomorrow. You've got today, and that's it. I've got to stop being afraid of tomorrow. I've got to stop being afraid that things won't work the way I want to and I need to just go for them. I'm trying to stop procrastinating. There's no guarantee that you'll actually get to finish it later.
So this is us, trying to pull our lives back together. We're bringing in a new roommate, we'll see how it goes. I don't know if we're all ready for it or not, but we all know we're not ready to pay more than we can afford to keep her place empty.
I miss her.
A month has passed, and in some ways it's easier. I'm not spontaneously crying any more, we're slowing pulling our lives back together. I joined a gym, I've started to change my diet so I'm eating things that are better for me and that will help me be a stronger person. I got my application for Delaware in and I'm almost done the one for Buffalo. I feel more like me than I have in a month, possibly longer. I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of being exhausted, I'm tired of not having the emotional stamina to get through the day. So I'm working to change my life and change myself and change my situation.
In some ways, it's so much harder. It still feels so surreal, like Jess just moved out to some other country. I can't really remember as well as I used to. I try to picture her face and voice and laugh and it's all a little bit blurry and off. I don't like that. Mary is having a worse time now than she was before. I think her heart is broken and her life is broken and she's had to just gather her broken self up and drag it forward just to keep moving. I think she's tired of it, I think it's absolutely exhausted her and I think she is angry.
My anger's died down a little. I'm not as angry as I was, I'm exhausted and I'm sad. I feel like life is brutally unfair. I need to stop being afraid, though. If anything good has come out of this it is that I've realized that no one is promised tomorrow. You've got today, and that's it. I've got to stop being afraid of tomorrow. I've got to stop being afraid that things won't work the way I want to and I need to just go for them. I'm trying to stop procrastinating. There's no guarantee that you'll actually get to finish it later.
So this is us, trying to pull our lives back together. We're bringing in a new roommate, we'll see how it goes. I don't know if we're all ready for it or not, but we all know we're not ready to pay more than we can afford to keep her place empty.
I miss her.
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