Hey there long time...

Hey everybody, or whoever you are that read this.

Most likely no one. But I do enjoy addressing someone. It makes it feel more personal.

Even though the internet is about as impersonal as it gets.


ANYWAY, speaking of the internet, I came to a realization the other day and actually had a really intelligent conversation with my mother. She was commenting on how there seems to be a wave pattern to marriage age, with people marrying very young in my grandmother's era, which then got progressively older before marrying, then finally is doing a giant backswing with my generation. She seemed surprised because there are so many more things to do, so many people have more dreams and want to accomplish more and apparently see marriage as something that will get in the way of what they want or them achieving it as soon as possible.

She wanted to know why.

I sat, and I thought about it. I came to two conclusions. One being that my generation was brought up in an era where everything is becoming less and less personal. We have little face to face contact, we chat on instant messenger in the same room instead of having an honest conversation, we text people instead of calling them, we send emails instead of writing snail mail. There is almost no personality to text, straight text on a screen. People can lie boldfaced to you and you would never suspect a thing because you can't read them like you would in real life. When we find people who we connect with not just in this electronic setting but also in the real world, we crave intimacy and closeness, we are lacking in real, normal, face to face relationships. So we find it, we latch onto it, and marry it, and pretend like it's perfectly fine to do so.

My second conclusion also deals with the Age of Technology. People are used to instantaneous responses now. Before, it was common to wait a day or two to hear from someone, a phone call once a week would suffice, letters that would take a few days to get there were normal. Everything for my generation is instant. Messaging, texting, everything, there is absolutely no reason that we can't be in touch all the time with everyone. Everything has been sped up, and we've become a generation of impatient people who can't fathom waiting a month for anything, much less until we're 26-27 if we're convinced we're in love at 18. A month into a relationship? Things are going well? Destined to be married by 6 months. You've been dating for a year? You aren't engaged yet?!?! What's wrong with you?

While I personally think that I fall partially into the first group and can understand the second group, I think we all need to up our rational sides. At the ripe young age of 21, I have absolutely no financial stability, no steady job, am looking to go back to school and am unsure as to if I'll get in. There are a lot of instabilities and variables in my own personal life that I think would make settling down and getting married difficult at this time. That doesn't mean that a few years down the road I wouldn't be all up for it. Hell, I'm up for it now, I just don't think it would go as smoothly as if we waited and saved. I fall more into the group that my mother was talking about. The group that has so much that they want to do and so little time to do it in. I have dreams and goals, and there is a definite path that I have to take to get there, and I don't know what marriage would do to throw me off it. It's sort of a selfish reason, but I would rather wait and be stable rather than throw myself in and have us flounder about because we didn't plan. I would hate to resent someone for stopping me from getting what I want out of life.

And that little jumbled piece of mess is what I came up with.

Later all : )

Bright Side

It's a hell of a task, but I'm trying hard to look on the bright side more often. I'm trying to come up with list of things each day that are good, and trying to focus on them as opposed to all the other crap.

Also, I'm trying to keep in touch with people more, either phone calls or emails. I need people. I can't rely on just one person to keep me entertained. It's unfair to do that. Hopefully this is just a swing of the downs, and I'll be back to normal soon. It's hard though. So very very hard.

Warning: Emo content

Sometimes it feels like nothing ever changes. No matter what you do, or what you talk about, or what you decide you're going to take charge of, nothing ever changes.

Every morning is the same hour long commute. It's the same traffic. It's the same set of cars that cut you off the day before.

In the office, it's the same set of objects in a different room, the same files in the same cabinets. The same hike up three flights of stairs, the same place to eat lunch. You talk to the same people about the same shit.

Nothing changes.

You climb into the car, drive the hour back, sit behind the same set of people who though the speed limit was 35 when it's 45, get onto the same road where people have miraculously forgotten how to merge from yesterday, and collapse back at home where your family argues over the same crap in the same stupid voices.

It's a cycle.

Something upsets you, you talk about it, nothing comes of it, but everyone feels better because it was addressed. The problem is still there, but it's been talked about so it's not really an issue.

I hate suburbia.

I hate that all my friends are at least a half hour away.

I hate driving every morning listening to the same crap as yesterday.

I had higher hopes for life after college. I had higher hopes that didn't involve the seemingly unending monotony that every day presents. It's enough to drive you crazy.

I want out. I need to be somewhere new. I can't sit in this room in this house in this town for much longer.

Some days I think about just throwing everything I have into a suitcase and just driving. I don't really care where I go as long as it's not here. Or maybe just getting into my car after work and not head home. Not head anywhere, just go. It's stupid and I'll probably never do it, but I suddenly understand why people just up and disappear. Normal life can be stifling.

And that's all I have for my emo rant.

The Happiest I've ever been

I'm writing this to try to keep my mind off of how awful I feel. For some reason I've been headachey and nauseous for the past two days, on and off. I'm trying to fight off a wave.

Anyway, the purpose of this entry is to write about my recent reinforcement of my belief in soulmates (I apologize ahead of time if there are any serious grammatical or spelling errors).

This past weekend I went down to Salisbury to visit Matt (he loves posts like this). Over all, the weekend was pretty fun, we went to Ocean City one night and played mini golf and walked the boardwalk, we played disc golf and Matt taught me how to play better and, y'know, aim. However, my absolute favorite day of this weekend was Saturday. Saturday is quite possibly my favorite day ever, and certainly the happiest I've been that I can remember.

Saturday didn't start out any differently than any other day. In fact, it started off kind of icky. We woke up, puttered around trying to figure out what to eat. I got a little stir crazy after lunch at Checkers (enough to make any day a good day) and decided that we needed to get out of the house. We headed to the Salisbury Zoo, somewhere I haven't been in about 3 years. Last time I went, it was freezing cold out. This time, it was a beautiful sunny day, not too hot, and not humid. It was wonderful. We walked around the zoo, looked at the bears, giggled over the beavers and their tail plates, but the ultimate, absolute best part, were the otters. They'd just been fed, and they were slipping and sliding all over the place with little fish hanging out in their mouths. We sat and watched them for a good 15 minutes, before moving on, and then came back and watched for another 1o or so minutes. The two boy otters were playing and fighting with each other, making really cute little squeaky noises, while the girl was just chomping away on the same piece of fish. It was really adorable. I love them. They're my favorite animals by far.

After the zoo, we went and got milkshakes from Tastee Freeze, or however you spell it. The chocolate milkshake was probably one of the top 3 I've ever had. It was delicious. After that, we went to the park, sat on the swings, walked over the big bridge and sat by the fountain. It was really just lovely.

The best part of this entire thing was that Matt seemed to know where I wanted to go before I even knew. Everywhere we went was exactly where I wanted to be. I was worry-free, completely content. I don't think I've ever had a minute where I've been both happy and worry-free. Not within the past 10 years. To have an entire afternoon of that was simply amazing. I've never felt that calm and just... right. I was exactly where I was supposed to be with the right person. I've always sort of believed in soulmates, for a while I never thought I'd find mine. Matt's been convincing me over the past 8 months that he's my soulmate, and with Saturday I think he sealed the deal.

I know it's mushy, and I know that it doesn't seem like what happened on Saturday was all that exciting or eventful, but if I've found someone who can give me even an hour of that peace, I want to hold on to them for as long as humanly possible. : )