Dear Stephen,
Where on earth to begin with you. You've been a good thing and a bad thing all wrapped up into a ball of... I don't even know what.
Why don't we start with the good. You're strong and you're kind, and you came into my life at a point where I believed that I deserved exactly how I was treated and that I should settle for the level of understanding that came with it. You showed me that other people found me interesting and attractive, funny and kind, and that I didn't, and shouldn't have to settle for what I was given. You sent me constant little reminders that I was in your thoughts, and I soaked up that kind of attention like a sponge.
However, you don't believe me when I say I'm not really ready for what you want. I can't handle being completely committed to one person right now, and you pushing and wanting it and me knowing I can't provide it is driving me crazy. I know the physical limitation isn't something you were expecting either. You went off to Mexico thinking I was going to be all about you when you got back, and instead I handed you a list of rules and regulations. You barely got a hug goodbye out of me when I saw you next.
I just... I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of my next boyfriend, and well... there are some areas that you fall kind of short. I really need someone who can spell. It drives me insane having to decipher your text messages and read "no" as "know" and "know" as "now." I will never understand your logic on that one. I need someone who cares about learning and furthering their education as much as I do. It would be nice to have someone who likes to read. You have the ambition and drive but dear god do you complain about where you are all the time. I get it. You're unhappy. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. And if you are doing something about it... then look forward to the doing something and stop focusing on how awful right now is (I know this is something I suffer from, too, and something, having seen it in someone else, that I am going to stop immediately). You lack sensitivity. You've never once tried to impress me. And if you have... well, you didn't. I don't get guns, I don't like killing animals for fun, I don't really care too much about cars, fishing is gross, and I don't like to drink to the point where I can't remember how I got into bed. I want someone I can take to museums with me and will enjoy being there, or wants to go to a play or to the city and walk around, or the zoo because animals are adorable not because you think it would be so awesome to hunt one in the wild.
I digress.
In the end, you're wasting your time and I don't really know how to tell you more obviously than I already have. All it's going to do is just hurt you, and I'm really tired of hurting people, especially when it's completely unnecessary. So that's why I'm texting you less, and I'm not telling you I'm home in Pennsylvania because I really just don't want to hang out.
I'm sorry, I know you expected much more, but I just don't have anything left to give.
Liz
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
You Already Know
Dear you, you know who you are,
I know this is probably a futile gesture. I know that you will interpret it as you will, and honestly, there's nothing I can do to prevent that.
I meant what I said last night. This isn't some sort of vindictive or jealous out lash. It isn't me being angry and cutting you off out of spite. I hope that maybe a month from now, we can try this again, and you'll see that the distance was good.
At the very least, let this hurt that you have now, or this anger, or whatever emotion it is that you're feeling, drive the two of you together. Even if it is a bond against me, me being a bitch, me being cruel, me being heartless, it's something that strengthens what you have. And believe me, you will need that connection to be strong for what you're about to do together.
I hope she's as wonderful and exciting and fun as you thought at the beginning and that the original impression doesn't fade. I hope you're happy together. I wish there was a way you could see the sincerity of those words, but I know it'll be misconstrued as sarcastic or biting. I don't feel even the slightest bit bitter. I feel sad, but more in a nostalgic sense than I did at the beginning. What we had was good. I wish I had seen more of that towards the end, but I still believe that my decision was the right one. We both needed to mature, and maybe one day it'll work, but I think at this point, most likely not.
I do want you as a friend. Down the road, not right now. I don't think you're capable of it. I don't think I'm capable of it.
After all, I'm always right ;)
With love,
Liz
I know this is probably a futile gesture. I know that you will interpret it as you will, and honestly, there's nothing I can do to prevent that.
I meant what I said last night. This isn't some sort of vindictive or jealous out lash. It isn't me being angry and cutting you off out of spite. I hope that maybe a month from now, we can try this again, and you'll see that the distance was good.
At the very least, let this hurt that you have now, or this anger, or whatever emotion it is that you're feeling, drive the two of you together. Even if it is a bond against me, me being a bitch, me being cruel, me being heartless, it's something that strengthens what you have. And believe me, you will need that connection to be strong for what you're about to do together.
I hope she's as wonderful and exciting and fun as you thought at the beginning and that the original impression doesn't fade. I hope you're happy together. I wish there was a way you could see the sincerity of those words, but I know it'll be misconstrued as sarcastic or biting. I don't feel even the slightest bit bitter. I feel sad, but more in a nostalgic sense than I did at the beginning. What we had was good. I wish I had seen more of that towards the end, but I still believe that my decision was the right one. We both needed to mature, and maybe one day it'll work, but I think at this point, most likely not.
I do want you as a friend. Down the road, not right now. I don't think you're capable of it. I don't think I'm capable of it.
After all, I'm always right ;)
With love,
Liz
Sunday, June 20, 2010
For Myself
Dear Me,
I know that I generally despise doing these kinds of letters, but I've caught you in a particularly good mood. What I want, more than anything else for you, is to hold on to that. Don't slip down the same slope that you did with Joe. Remember what you have and how good of a person you really are. Don't sell yourself short, and don't quantify happiness by being attached to other people. I mean really, look how that's worked out for most of the people you know/have dated.
You are amazing. You have just as much social grace and presence as your sister, you're as funny as your brother, you're as kind and caring as your father and you're as strong as your mother. These combined are an unstoppable force, if you let yourself remember they're there. And for the times that you forget, you have a wonderful and caring network of people who are there to help you get through the worst of anything.
You are blessed. You will never be alone in life, you will never be without someone to catch you when you stumble. There are so many people that you've met that want for you to succeed just as much as you do. And one day, you'll find the person that actually believes in you just as much as you do if not more so. Be patient. It'll come.
Get out there, stay active, keep up with getting in shape and being healthy just for yourself. And please, keep up with saying no.
I love you as is and as you will be.
Me
I know that I generally despise doing these kinds of letters, but I've caught you in a particularly good mood. What I want, more than anything else for you, is to hold on to that. Don't slip down the same slope that you did with Joe. Remember what you have and how good of a person you really are. Don't sell yourself short, and don't quantify happiness by being attached to other people. I mean really, look how that's worked out for most of the people you know/have dated.
You are amazing. You have just as much social grace and presence as your sister, you're as funny as your brother, you're as kind and caring as your father and you're as strong as your mother. These combined are an unstoppable force, if you let yourself remember they're there. And for the times that you forget, you have a wonderful and caring network of people who are there to help you get through the worst of anything.
You are blessed. You will never be alone in life, you will never be without someone to catch you when you stumble. There are so many people that you've met that want for you to succeed just as much as you do. And one day, you'll find the person that actually believes in you just as much as you do if not more so. Be patient. It'll come.
Get out there, stay active, keep up with getting in shape and being healthy just for yourself. And please, keep up with saying no.
I love you as is and as you will be.
Me
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Quick Hello, then back to letters
Hiya,
I'm taking a little break from unpacking all of my stuff. I moved all of my larger stuff down yesterday in the company pickup truck, which I have lovingly named "The Boss." If they didn't get such crap gas mileage and if they had better turning radii I would absolutely get a pickup to joyride in. Y'know, when I have enough money to have a car to joyride in.
As of right now all of my housemates are out at work. This seems to be the normal trend, they'll more or less all be waiter/waitressing by the time I get home from my 830-5 job. I leave the house around 7-715, get home around 630-7, most of them work the evening shift, so they'll leave around 4-5, and get home around 12. I'm in bed by 11 at the latest... so pretty much the only time I'll see them is if they have off or a random weekend morning/late night.
This process has been a little sad for me. This is where Matt and I were supposed to make our first "home." I know if he was here he'd be my company because he'd be working normal hours like I do. Dealing with the loneliness is the hardest part.
I do like my solitude though. Maybe this will give me enough time or an excuse to get some art projects underway. I have 4 canvasses that are begging to be played with, as well as a blank sketchbook that needs to be worked on. I'm also planning on studying for my second crack at the GREs and to put together my portfolio and applications for grad school. OH, and look for a real job (not that Dad's isn't a real job, it's just that I'm guaranteed work only through the summer. Not. Good.)
This is also the first June I've ever spent in Newark. We'll see how it goes.
Back to unpacking for me, back to your regularly scheduled programming for you.
I'm taking a little break from unpacking all of my stuff. I moved all of my larger stuff down yesterday in the company pickup truck, which I have lovingly named "The Boss." If they didn't get such crap gas mileage and if they had better turning radii I would absolutely get a pickup to joyride in. Y'know, when I have enough money to have a car to joyride in.
As of right now all of my housemates are out at work. This seems to be the normal trend, they'll more or less all be waiter/waitressing by the time I get home from my 830-5 job. I leave the house around 7-715, get home around 630-7, most of them work the evening shift, so they'll leave around 4-5, and get home around 12. I'm in bed by 11 at the latest... so pretty much the only time I'll see them is if they have off or a random weekend morning/late night.
This process has been a little sad for me. This is where Matt and I were supposed to make our first "home." I know if he was here he'd be my company because he'd be working normal hours like I do. Dealing with the loneliness is the hardest part.
I do like my solitude though. Maybe this will give me enough time or an excuse to get some art projects underway. I have 4 canvasses that are begging to be played with, as well as a blank sketchbook that needs to be worked on. I'm also planning on studying for my second crack at the GREs and to put together my portfolio and applications for grad school. OH, and look for a real job (not that Dad's isn't a real job, it's just that I'm guaranteed work only through the summer. Not. Good.)
This is also the first June I've ever spent in Newark. We'll see how it goes.
Back to unpacking for me, back to your regularly scheduled programming for you.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
For Matthew
It seems fitting that the first in a series of letters would be directed to the most important person in my recent life. Please let me know if I should take it down.
June 8, 2010
Dear Matt,
There are a thousand things I want to say to you. It's been a month since I ended things, and for some reason it still feels as raw as yesterday.
I loved you more than anyone on this planet. I loved you more than I ever thought I was capable of. Every day it hurts to know that that love is dying and that one day it will just be a fond memory of a time when I thought I had it all figured out and that I could be truly happy. It hurts every day to know that I've lost my best friend. It hurts worse to know it was my own doing. I have constant flashbacks of when we were together, of when things were good and simple, when I could look forward to October 22 and feel great and excited, when I could fall asleep and know you'd still love me when I woke up, crazy and all. I miss that stability. I miss your laugh.
I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for not respecting what you want out of life or what you think is important. I'm sorry for putting your needs so definitively second to my own. I'm sorry I need as much as I do.
There's no need to go over why I did it, especially not in a public field. We've been over it and it doesn't need to be brought back up.
I wish I was capable of being your friend. I would love to be able to gracefully handle my new role, to be able to hear about you dating and moving on without the stab of jealousy and regret. I wish I could be better to you, but I know that pushing the friendship now will only lead to animosity later, either from you or from me. It's something I learned about myself from Joe. I handle breakups terribly, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship was before.
What I want for you more than anything, despite what my broken and inconsistant heart blurts out, is for you to be happy in everything. For you to love everything in your life and to be completely satisfied. I hope you find someone who makes you happier than you ever thought possible and who loves you more completely than I could. You were the best thing to happen to me, I needed you and you were always there for me. It was the hardest realization of my life to see that neither of us would be completely happy with the other down the road. It demanded too much of both of us. You are an incredible person, loving and sensitive with a wicked sense of humor and a wealth of knowledge at your disposal. Some of my favorite conversaions have been with you over the smallest things. I'm going to miss that more than you might ever know.
I want all the best in the world for you,
With love,
Liz
June 8, 2010
Dear Matt,
There are a thousand things I want to say to you. It's been a month since I ended things, and for some reason it still feels as raw as yesterday.
I loved you more than anyone on this planet. I loved you more than I ever thought I was capable of. Every day it hurts to know that that love is dying and that one day it will just be a fond memory of a time when I thought I had it all figured out and that I could be truly happy. It hurts every day to know that I've lost my best friend. It hurts worse to know it was my own doing. I have constant flashbacks of when we were together, of when things were good and simple, when I could look forward to October 22 and feel great and excited, when I could fall asleep and know you'd still love me when I woke up, crazy and all. I miss that stability. I miss your laugh.
I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for not respecting what you want out of life or what you think is important. I'm sorry for putting your needs so definitively second to my own. I'm sorry I need as much as I do.
There's no need to go over why I did it, especially not in a public field. We've been over it and it doesn't need to be brought back up.
I wish I was capable of being your friend. I would love to be able to gracefully handle my new role, to be able to hear about you dating and moving on without the stab of jealousy and regret. I wish I could be better to you, but I know that pushing the friendship now will only lead to animosity later, either from you or from me. It's something I learned about myself from Joe. I handle breakups terribly, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship was before.
What I want for you more than anything, despite what my broken and inconsistant heart blurts out, is for you to be happy in everything. For you to love everything in your life and to be completely satisfied. I hope you find someone who makes you happier than you ever thought possible and who loves you more completely than I could. You were the best thing to happen to me, I needed you and you were always there for me. It was the hardest realization of my life to see that neither of us would be completely happy with the other down the road. It demanded too much of both of us. You are an incredible person, loving and sensitive with a wicked sense of humor and a wealth of knowledge at your disposal. Some of my favorite conversaions have been with you over the smallest things. I'm going to miss that more than you might ever know.
I want all the best in the world for you,
With love,
Liz
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