A Year in Review

A year ago today, my grandfather passed away. He'd had a long struggle with cancer, and it eventually spread and took over.  I hadn't realised just how drastically it had changed him, how thin he had become, how weak.

This post is not about what he deteriorated into.

This post is about what I wish he had been here for.

Before my grandfather died, the last time I saw him he said something very important to me. He was lying in his bed in the living room, looking up at a family portrait that had been taken during one of my more awkward years.  He took my hand and said this to me:

"Look at these faces. I know you've struggled for a long time, not feeling like you fit in.  You don't feel like you belong with the Lozanos or  the Peirces. But why the hell would you want to be like them? You are unique, you have always been. Stop worrying about trying to be someone else, be the wonderful person you are."

A few days later, my grandfather was gone. I hadn't heard back from Delaware about my rejection to graduate school (again), I hadn't applied in a fit of pure impudence to this program in London, I hadn't quit my job, moved my life, and started down a path to making myself truly happy.  He won't see my sister get married, he won't meet her kids, or mine if I have them. He won't ever meet the man I marry or see me succeed or watch my cousins graduate.

But I like to think that he'd be so proud of me today.  A year ago, I was a different person. The person I was then would never have made this change.  The person I was would not have embraced who I am and who I want to be. She was afraid, and I'm not any more. I'd like to thank him for that.

You've been greatly missed this year, Papa.  I love you always.

Bummer

Relationships are great, right?

Well, yes, they can be.  Especially in the honeymoon phase where you're all stupidly starry-eyed and no one has done anything wrong yet.  This is my favourite phase of the relationship.  I love this phase.  You're just past being worried about scaring them away with your giant bag of crazy past history, but you haven't gotten to the point where the magic is completely gone.

That being said, I friggin' suck as a friend during this phase.  I disappear. I get so wrapped up in this new whatever that I just want to spend as much time as humanly possible with my significant other and completely ignore the rest of the world.  What's worse is that I know I do it. I know. I see myself go and make plans with my significant other and not leave a second of time for anyone else.  What sucks is that it is rarely the s.o.'s fault. It's completely mine.  This little beauty of a personality defect is 100% me oriented. Not only will I ignore friends who kept me company when I was lonely and trying to adjust, or family members who are trying to get a hold of me to make sure I'm alive, but I'll also blow off school work and readings just so I can spend more time in that little perfect sphere.

I need to change this.

It is not healthy.