I've been thinking about this post for a while, but I haven't gotten around to writing it. (Excuse time!) Between being sick, having my computer die, being in and out of connection areas, and school finally getting rolling, I haven't had much time to really think about this site. Anyway, here are a couple of things I like, or don't.
Like: Playing with puppies, even if I'm highly allergic.
Dislike: The fact that wet dog is both a potent and lingering scent.
Like: Rolling over and finding the cool/warm spot on the bed, depending on if it's summer or winter
Like: Waking up without an alarm
Dislike: Waking up at like 6 am and not being able to fall back asleep. Especially if I don't have to be anywhere until noon.
Like: Waking up next to someone I love
Like: Snuggling, cuddling, hugging, any form of physical affection
Like: Being able to hold a conversation based entirely on noise, not words.
Dislike: Missing someone so much it physically hurts.
Dislike: People who claim to have changed and haven't.
Like: Pictures of anything that can make me smile
Dislike: Developer ruins clothing
Like: Flowers for no reason, small things that make others smile
Dislike: Being disappointed
Dislike: Having to make responsible decisions despite what I really want
Like: The smell after it rains, thunderstorms
Dislike: When plans suddenly get changed
Like: The smell of almost anything baking
Dislike: When nothing fits the way it should
Dislike: When things don't work the way they should
Like: Big families
Dislike: Staying way too long at family events
Like: Feeling smart, getting answers right, feeling accomplished
Dislike: Being talked down to
Dislike: Rude e-mails or managers
Like: The way Matt's hair sticks up in the morning
Dislike: The way MY hair sticks up in the morning
Like: Soulmates
Like: Getting mail
Like: The smell of bonfires or wood burning
Like: People who can calm me down
Dislike: No one being there when I need someone
Dislike: Crying for no reason
Dislike: Waking up angry
I could really go on for pretty much forever, but I guess I should go and get on with my day. I've already decided to skip my first class, but the rest of the day is just work. I hate when I wake up and just don't want to do anything. Off to it.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Slowing Down
I came to the realization on my way home today that I've slowed down a lot, especially in this one semester. Granted, I'm coming back from two weeks of being sick with two different, unrelated illnesses, but I still think that part of my nature has changed, even if it is just a little. I think a lot more now, about things that are really rather unimportant. Like the way a shadow falls on bricks or the way the snow is melting in different patterns from where people have walked. I look at the icicles that hang off people's cars and the way the water runs down the sidewalk. I'm looking up more than down when I walk. I guess I'm just trying to take in the last bit of Newark while I can. It's sort of frightening and sad to think that in a few months I won't live here anymore, I won't be coming back after the summer ends, I won't be seeing my friends on a regular basis, much less live with them. Sure, people will be around, but this is sort of the end of a major chapter, and that's both sad and exciting. I'm done with college. I'm done with the work and the tests and the not being out in the world. At some point in time my mind clicked into a different setting, and I'm ready to see what comes next.
Doesn't mean I won't miss it like crazy, though. This is probably the best year I've ever had, as far as just being happy goes. I'm thrilled with my apartment, my roommates, my friends, my boyfriend... the family's a little rough but we're pulling through. I woke up this morning and felt like I was beaming, I was just happy to be where I am. I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't be sure that I've ever felt quite this good, consistently, too. It just saddens me to think that now that everything seems to be coming together and everything is going well, I have to leave it all come June. I don't want these months to fly like they have been. Soon it'll be spring break and Matt's birthday, then it'll be April and Mary's. Then it's just a hop, skip, and a jump to Graduation. And Life.
We're growing up, kids.
Doesn't mean I won't miss it like crazy, though. This is probably the best year I've ever had, as far as just being happy goes. I'm thrilled with my apartment, my roommates, my friends, my boyfriend... the family's a little rough but we're pulling through. I woke up this morning and felt like I was beaming, I was just happy to be where I am. I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't be sure that I've ever felt quite this good, consistently, too. It just saddens me to think that now that everything seems to be coming together and everything is going well, I have to leave it all come June. I don't want these months to fly like they have been. Soon it'll be spring break and Matt's birthday, then it'll be April and Mary's. Then it's just a hop, skip, and a jump to Graduation. And Life.
We're growing up, kids.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
5 Hour Phone Conversation
There's always that point in time with a new relationship when you spend hours upon hours upon hours on the phone at night, talking about everything and anything. However, I feel like that normally dies down after the first month or so. Then it drops to just calling to say goodnight, or not really calling at all.
I had thought we were done with the long talks that ramble here and there, I thought that maybe we'd run out of things to say.
I was most definitely wrong.
Granted, it's still pretty early in the relationship, but we'd sort of died down to "how was your day?" conversations over the past month or so, sometimes skipping talking at night if one person was busy or had people over or whatever. Out of what seems like nowhere, for the past two nights we've been on the phone for 4+ hours each night. And every time we talk, it's like there's a whole new set of things we could talk about the next night. What's even crazier is that it doesn't feel like four hours have passed. It feels like maybe 1, an hour and a half at the most. I looked at my watch last night and was shocked that it read 3:45.
I love it. I love that our conversations can go from something silly to something sentimental, that we can talk about something that's upsetting one of us and still be able to bring the conversation back up to a happy beat. I like that he can say that something's bothering him, and I'm glad that I feel the same way. I feel like a lot of my problems before stemmed from either me not saying what was bothering me, or me being oblivious to the fact that I was doing something they didn't like. Granted, it's never fun to hear that you're doing something wrong, but I want to fix it. I want to be a better girlfriend than I may have been before. There's something about it that just makes me feel good. I want to make him happy, just as much as he wants me to be happy with him.
I think it's refreshingly healthy. I don't worry about what he'll do if I'm not around, I don't worry about my family or friends getting along with him, I don't worry about the fact that there's 2 hours distance. Sure, going from seeing each other on almost a weekly basis to having to wait 2 weeks or more is kind of rough, and sharing a tiny twin bed when I visit is also a challenge (I love my queen. It's just the right amount of room) but on the whole, I couldn't be happier. I feel better, I'm more optimistic, I'm less worried and stressed... I was worried for a while that I'd never find something as good as I thought my last relationship was. To have this be better than that in every way is something that just baffles me. I'm speechless.
I think that's all I have in me for now.
I had thought we were done with the long talks that ramble here and there, I thought that maybe we'd run out of things to say.
I was most definitely wrong.
Granted, it's still pretty early in the relationship, but we'd sort of died down to "how was your day?" conversations over the past month or so, sometimes skipping talking at night if one person was busy or had people over or whatever. Out of what seems like nowhere, for the past two nights we've been on the phone for 4+ hours each night. And every time we talk, it's like there's a whole new set of things we could talk about the next night. What's even crazier is that it doesn't feel like four hours have passed. It feels like maybe 1, an hour and a half at the most. I looked at my watch last night and was shocked that it read 3:45.
I love it. I love that our conversations can go from something silly to something sentimental, that we can talk about something that's upsetting one of us and still be able to bring the conversation back up to a happy beat. I like that he can say that something's bothering him, and I'm glad that I feel the same way. I feel like a lot of my problems before stemmed from either me not saying what was bothering me, or me being oblivious to the fact that I was doing something they didn't like. Granted, it's never fun to hear that you're doing something wrong, but I want to fix it. I want to be a better girlfriend than I may have been before. There's something about it that just makes me feel good. I want to make him happy, just as much as he wants me to be happy with him.
I think it's refreshingly healthy. I don't worry about what he'll do if I'm not around, I don't worry about my family or friends getting along with him, I don't worry about the fact that there's 2 hours distance. Sure, going from seeing each other on almost a weekly basis to having to wait 2 weeks or more is kind of rough, and sharing a tiny twin bed when I visit is also a challenge (I love my queen. It's just the right amount of room) but on the whole, I couldn't be happier. I feel better, I'm more optimistic, I'm less worried and stressed... I was worried for a while that I'd never find something as good as I thought my last relationship was. To have this be better than that in every way is something that just baffles me. I'm speechless.
I think that's all I have in me for now.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
It's been a long, long time...
I know it's late January, but it's been a good start to the resolution season. At least I think it has.
Let's see... Resolution list update:
1. Let shit go.
Well, I've been working on it. I find that I have to do a lot of forgiving, and it's mostly of myself. Most of the anger that I hold on to is that I've let things happen to me, and there is just no excuse for it. I'm angry at myself for getting into certain situations, for letting myself get as far away from who I am as I have. I don't know if that makes much sense, but a lot of my problems have been self inflicted, and I've been blaming the wrong people. So far, while it's been hard to let go of some of those hard feelings and issues that have built up over the past however many months or years, I think I've found a lot of clarity, and I think it's something that's good for me. On the whole, I'm a lot prouder of who I am right now and the things I am doing with my life than I have in a long time. I feel like I'm finally taking charge and dealing with things instead of just moping about how awful things have been. I don't want to be that girl anymore, so I'm not.
2. Go to the gym.
Well, it hasn't been the gym, but I signed up for hot yoga at the nearby shopping center. I've been pretty good about going 5 times a week, some weeks are a little rougher than others. While I haven't really lost weight, I feel a hell of a lot better and stronger than I did, and I think things fit better. Maybe the number will go down with a little more time, after all, this is only week 3.
3. Keep up with the work....
Oh dear... That one hasn't gone too well. At least I'm not obnoxiously far behind. I'm part way through a paper, I have most of the research, and I have a decent idea for my presentation... Does it matter that I'm 4 days behind in the reading??
4. Make more art.
Partial success for month one. I dropped my studio class because I didn't like the subject and there wasn't enough time or decent materials to make anything that I would want to keep. I have been sketching here and there, though. Maybe I'll move on to painting again.
5. Learn to cook healthy and well.
Definitely been cooking more. And more things from scratch. I've been on the dailyplate.com working on tracking my calories and the foods that I eat. I still slip from time to time, I have a problem snacking, but I'm definitely making more pasta, chicken, and eating more veggies. I'm a fan of salads... : )
As for the holidays, they were okay. There was a bit of family drama, and I'll have to do a post about Las Vegas at some point. I jotted down some notes about where we went and what we did (I know, something that actually pertains to the blog's original purpose!). Matt met the family, which went pretty well, considering the crap he was coming into. Nothing like a parental spat 40 minutes before you get there to really make the house seem welcome and friendly. The family seems to like him, I think they'll like him more the more they see him. My roomates love him, as do most of my friends here (at least the ones he's met). Things are going well in that area.
I'm still deciding what I want to do for next year. New Orleans is looking better and better, especially if the acceptance rate is as high as they say. I know they're desperate for people, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for the move. I think once I set my mind to it I'll be good. I just have to get my resume together and all the crap that goes with it.
On a side note, the first thing I'm buying when I'm a real person is a new laptop. The n button has stopped working, and sometimes the left click doesn't work too well either. Plus, I think it has more viruses than I can count. Every day I run a virus scan, and every day I get rid of at least 20 files. It's horrid.
That's all for now : )
I miss Siena.
Let's see... Resolution list update:
1. Let shit go.
Well, I've been working on it. I find that I have to do a lot of forgiving, and it's mostly of myself. Most of the anger that I hold on to is that I've let things happen to me, and there is just no excuse for it. I'm angry at myself for getting into certain situations, for letting myself get as far away from who I am as I have. I don't know if that makes much sense, but a lot of my problems have been self inflicted, and I've been blaming the wrong people. So far, while it's been hard to let go of some of those hard feelings and issues that have built up over the past however many months or years, I think I've found a lot of clarity, and I think it's something that's good for me. On the whole, I'm a lot prouder of who I am right now and the things I am doing with my life than I have in a long time. I feel like I'm finally taking charge and dealing with things instead of just moping about how awful things have been. I don't want to be that girl anymore, so I'm not.
2. Go to the gym.
Well, it hasn't been the gym, but I signed up for hot yoga at the nearby shopping center. I've been pretty good about going 5 times a week, some weeks are a little rougher than others. While I haven't really lost weight, I feel a hell of a lot better and stronger than I did, and I think things fit better. Maybe the number will go down with a little more time, after all, this is only week 3.
3. Keep up with the work....
Oh dear... That one hasn't gone too well. At least I'm not obnoxiously far behind. I'm part way through a paper, I have most of the research, and I have a decent idea for my presentation... Does it matter that I'm 4 days behind in the reading??
4. Make more art.
Partial success for month one. I dropped my studio class because I didn't like the subject and there wasn't enough time or decent materials to make anything that I would want to keep. I have been sketching here and there, though. Maybe I'll move on to painting again.
5. Learn to cook healthy and well.
Definitely been cooking more. And more things from scratch. I've been on the dailyplate.com working on tracking my calories and the foods that I eat. I still slip from time to time, I have a problem snacking, but I'm definitely making more pasta, chicken, and eating more veggies. I'm a fan of salads... : )
As for the holidays, they were okay. There was a bit of family drama, and I'll have to do a post about Las Vegas at some point. I jotted down some notes about where we went and what we did (I know, something that actually pertains to the blog's original purpose!). Matt met the family, which went pretty well, considering the crap he was coming into. Nothing like a parental spat 40 minutes before you get there to really make the house seem welcome and friendly. The family seems to like him, I think they'll like him more the more they see him. My roomates love him, as do most of my friends here (at least the ones he's met). Things are going well in that area.
I'm still deciding what I want to do for next year. New Orleans is looking better and better, especially if the acceptance rate is as high as they say. I know they're desperate for people, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for the move. I think once I set my mind to it I'll be good. I just have to get my resume together and all the crap that goes with it.
On a side note, the first thing I'm buying when I'm a real person is a new laptop. The n button has stopped working, and sometimes the left click doesn't work too well either. Plus, I think it has more viruses than I can count. Every day I run a virus scan, and every day I get rid of at least 20 files. It's horrid.
That's all for now : )
I miss Siena.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Resolutions
I know it's not New Year's yet, but here's a few things I want to work on.
1. Let shit go. I hold on to things for much longer than I should, and honestly, it's not doing anyone any good. Mostly me. Bottling up all this anger and aggression is just worthless, I hate feeling this way and I never want to feel like this again.
2. Go to the gym. Pretty self explanatory. I want to take better care of myself. Yeah, physical appearance is a factor, but I'm tired of being tired. I want to be able to run forever.
3. Keep up with the work. This finals week has crushed me because I was behind.
4. Make more art. This one should be easy. I'm taking 4 studios before I graduate.
5. Learn to cook healthy. And well.
That's all I've got for the moment.
1. Let shit go. I hold on to things for much longer than I should, and honestly, it's not doing anyone any good. Mostly me. Bottling up all this anger and aggression is just worthless, I hate feeling this way and I never want to feel like this again.
2. Go to the gym. Pretty self explanatory. I want to take better care of myself. Yeah, physical appearance is a factor, but I'm tired of being tired. I want to be able to run forever.
3. Keep up with the work. This finals week has crushed me because I was behind.
4. Make more art. This one should be easy. I'm taking 4 studios before I graduate.
5. Learn to cook healthy. And well.
That's all I've got for the moment.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
"You're an angel, Baby"
Those are the last words I heard before I fell asleep last night. It's hard to go to sleep unhappy if that's the last thing on my mind. It's hard to drift off without a smile on my face. I like falling asleep next to you, I like waking up next to you, I like being around you.
You'll drive up the two hours because I've had a bad day. Or if I've gotten bad news. Or if I've had a close call. Or if I want a hug. You'll drive up and miss out on games, parties, races. And you say it doesn't bother you. You'll kick off your shoes, empty your pockets, and flop on the bed. I'll rub your back and you'll rest your head on my shoulder and say, "You're an angel, baby."
Those might be my favorite four words you say. I've never been that for someone, that's not a name I've been given. Sweetheart, honey, love, gorgeous, beautiful... I've had those. I like that this is different. I like how it feels like you mean it when you say it. It's all about your voice.
You don't say it all that often, which makes it feel more sincere. If you're sick and I bring you water and some medicine because I can hear you coughing while I'm making breakfast, you look up at me and say those four words. I bend down and kiss your forehead, and smile as I walk back out. If you're restless and can't fall asleep, and I let the TV run with poker because it'll give you something to do other than think about how awake you are, you'll say it to me. I roll over and burrow under the covers to block out the light, and smile while I drift off.
I love that you care about me, that you'll smile for no reason, that you'll hold my hand, put your arm around me, watch musicals with me and my crazy roommates, and put up with my constant "What do you want to do for dinner/lunch/whatever?"
I think it's little things like that phrase that makes me as happy as I am. Granted, things aren't always perfect, we have our moments, but I just like where we are. I'm glad you were patient. I'm glad you weren't insistent. I'm glad that you just waited and were a friend to me when I was lost and confused and didn't know what to do. I'm glad you were quiet when I needed to get my head straight. If not, I don't think I would have known how good this could be.
It's a long road, we're taking it a day at a time. I can't wait to see where it takes us.
You'll drive up the two hours because I've had a bad day. Or if I've gotten bad news. Or if I've had a close call. Or if I want a hug. You'll drive up and miss out on games, parties, races. And you say it doesn't bother you. You'll kick off your shoes, empty your pockets, and flop on the bed. I'll rub your back and you'll rest your head on my shoulder and say, "You're an angel, baby."
Those might be my favorite four words you say. I've never been that for someone, that's not a name I've been given. Sweetheart, honey, love, gorgeous, beautiful... I've had those. I like that this is different. I like how it feels like you mean it when you say it. It's all about your voice.
You don't say it all that often, which makes it feel more sincere. If you're sick and I bring you water and some medicine because I can hear you coughing while I'm making breakfast, you look up at me and say those four words. I bend down and kiss your forehead, and smile as I walk back out. If you're restless and can't fall asleep, and I let the TV run with poker because it'll give you something to do other than think about how awake you are, you'll say it to me. I roll over and burrow under the covers to block out the light, and smile while I drift off.
I love that you care about me, that you'll smile for no reason, that you'll hold my hand, put your arm around me, watch musicals with me and my crazy roommates, and put up with my constant "What do you want to do for dinner/lunch/whatever?"
I think it's little things like that phrase that makes me as happy as I am. Granted, things aren't always perfect, we have our moments, but I just like where we are. I'm glad you were patient. I'm glad you weren't insistent. I'm glad that you just waited and were a friend to me when I was lost and confused and didn't know what to do. I'm glad you were quiet when I needed to get my head straight. If not, I don't think I would have known how good this could be.
It's a long road, we're taking it a day at a time. I can't wait to see where it takes us.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
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