Oy

Alright, I'm far less motivated than I was at 6 am this morning. However, I feel like I haven't done any kind of update in forever, so I'm going to just go for it and hope for the best.

I've come to a crossroads of sorts. It's my senior year, and it means that I'll have to be making some kind of life decision, and soon. I think I've already made it, it's just a matter of implementing and hoping I don't fall flat on my face.

For the past 3 years I've slowly pinned, pushed, and buried myself into a place I don't exactly belong. I had resigned myself to conservation because I figured if I can't create, I'll conserve. And I was quite convinced I couldn't create. All of my projects over the past 3 years have been half finished sketches, overly emo watercolors, and copies for class. I've stifled my creativity to the point where I felt like I couldn't even write a creative essay, a short story, or even a few lines of prose. I didn't even like my signature. But I had told my creative self, "Sorry, you'll have to wait until I'm 50 with enough money to build my dream studio and space to fill with all my half-assed ideas."

Bill's given me a new look at things. He's given me a new breath of life, saying, "Hey, wait a minute, there's potential here. There's insight. There's something that speaks to people." And with that my little half crippled gasping for breath creative self seized a chance to poke out its head. To slowly work it's way back out, to push through the cracks and the locks my practical side had placed upon it. And suddenly, it's broken free. I look at things differently. I look at colors and textures, the way light catches on carved wood, the shine of brass rods, the shadows and highlights of everyday objects. I let my hand draw whatever it feels like and I don't scribble it out if I don't like it or give up on it halfway through. I've drawn myself a few times, I've drawn my feet, my hands, arms, back. If it's there I'll try it. I want to shape and sculpt and carve away. This project Bill gave me has given me the opportunity to just go with it. The best part of it all is that I don't have to stop and ask for how to do something, I don't have to wait for someone else to get to the next step. This is something I understand, something that I can look at and say "I need to take that edge down more" or "I like the way the marks from the chisel look" and I can move on. I can push through without regard for time. I have blisters on my hands, splinters in my skin, and paint on my face, and I have not felt this free and happy in what feels like a long time. It's not something dependent on other people, it's not something that I worry about other people liking. It's like taking a breath of fresh air after being inside for too long and feeling the sun warm your skin.

I've made up my mind. I'm going to get my master's in art after college. I'm hoping to apply as soon as possible, if not for the fall, then for the spring. I want to major in sculpture, and go back and get my master's in art conservation for objects. I want a two bedroom apartment to myself, where I can paint and build in one room, and sleep in the other. I can do this. I will do this. I don't care how long it takes me or how many jobs I have to hold down to get through. I found something that makes me happy and I am going to fight like hell to get it.

That's about it, I think. Welcome to it.