Procrastination

Oh I know you're surprised at the title.

Today is Tuesday. Tomorrow, as we were taught in grade school, is Wednesday. Wednesday is the day that I am officially back at University of Delaware, and I could not be more excited if I tried.

I'm moving into an apartment with a great set of girls. My best friend at school, Katie, is one of them, along with a girl Mary, who is very sweet. I don't know Meghan all that well yet, but we've got time, right? I have my own room with an attached bathroom, I can fit in a queen sized bed with both my art desk and regular school desk, and I still have more room than I know what to do with. The closet is half empty because I don't have enough clothing to fill it. More than half empty actually. I. Love. It.

Mostly I just want to be out of home. I like it alright, I love my family, but I'm just looking forward to my last year too much to want to be here when I could be the hour away. Surprisingly enough there haven't been too many fights in the household, I guess I'm not doing anything to tick them off as of late. It's kind of surprising how one aspect of your life can control the overall attitude. I dunno.

Mostly I'm just rambling because I don't want to find boxes for the great piles of crap that have managed to appear while I was cleaning out my desk. I'm a terrible pack rat. It's horrid. I can't throw anything away, not even the floppy disk that probably has one presentation on it from 8th grade. It's a problem. I've found old journals and notebooks, poems and stories. It's been hysterical for me to reread what I've done over the years. Thankfully both my prose and my handwriting have improved. It's been weird, though. I don't feel as old as I am.

Sometimes I swear I'm 16. Then I double check and say no no, I'm 18. Then I triple check and say holy shit I'm almost 21. When did I stop mentally aging? Sometimes I still feel like that awkward high school girl, when I know in so many ways I've changed and diverged from her. In a lot of ways I feel boring. I get bored of telling people the same story, even if they've never heard it before.

"I'm a senior at University of Delaware. Yeah, it's a really big school. I'm an Art Conservation major, no we don't hug trees. It's kind of cool. It's a small group." And by the time I get done with that I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm tired of explaining what artcon is, I'm tired of telling people what I want to do with the rest of my life, because honestly I don't know what it is I want. I don't like talking to people who don't have some kind of passion, I don't like talking to people who like to get trashed and brag about it, I don't like having to explain everything about myself. I don't know if it's just that I think people are wasting my time, or if I just don't want to talk about me. My sister is great at it. The whole world seems to listen when she talks, and she can get a conversation going and keep it rolling. I on the other hand, like to sort of sit back and listen.

No wonder I get passed up.

My friends can't understand it. Guys I've dated can't understand it. Why would someone look me over? Well, I guess it's because I'm a pretty face that doesn't talk. Not in groups. I'm better in one on one, I'm more of a personal person, and I don't like to waste my life story on people who couldn't care less and are entranced by this beautiful dark girl sitting next to me. There's a lot in this world that I don't understand, and why I totally shut down when Steph's around is one of them. I try for a little bit, but she's the master, so I just step to the side and give up.

I didn't really intend to talk about my shortcomings as a human being in the social world. I think anyone who reads this who knows me knows that it takes a while for me to actually come on out and show who I am. And congrats, you all have passed the test, you're people I'm comfortable with, albeit naturally awkward.

Later, folks.