It's 12:45 am. I should be sound asleep right now, but instead, on the night before the morning when I have to be up at 6 am to take a roll of film, my brain is stubbornly awake. This unfortunate state has left me to think about all kinds of things, from Italian short stories and novels, to my ex-boyfriend and wondering just how badly he fucked me up.
Anyway, let's talk about my persistent fear of abandonment. That's what's been bothering me mostly. It's been in conversations everywhere, including one that I just had with Matt not too long ago. I'd like to say my fear spawned when I was little, but I don't think that's quite true. Granted, my dad did leave me in the mall for a good 20 minutes (he claims it was much less, and that he didn't leave me, he went up the escalator and didn't realize I wasn't behind him), but I still can't say that it was so traumatic to scar me for the rest of my life. I don't know when it started. I do know, most definitively, that this fear has seriously scarred me in my relationships and in how I deal with people in general.
I need to keep an eye on everyone. I feel the need, when I'm out with a group of people, to know where everyone is. It's like I'm afraid that if one person starts going, then the rest will, and viola, there I am on my own. For instance, I went to Italy (I can't remember if I posted this earlier or not) but we went into a church as a group. We were allowed to wander around, and one by one, I lost sight of everyone. I scoured the church, I looked everywhere that I was allowed to go. After a frantic 5 minutes of silent freak-out and panic, I decided that I would go outside. If they weren't outside, I'd go back to the hotel and wait. When I walked out the door, there was everyone, just smiling and laughing. They'd intentionally left. Not as a mean joke, and certainly not knowing that I am absolutely paranoid, but they'd cleared out and no one had told me. I went back to the hotel and cried for 20 minutes.
I have a hard time trusting people in relationships. This one I know spawned from ex. There are few things more damaging to someone's psyche than to have someone feed you the expectation that you'll be together for a good long while (perhaps not forever, I don't think we ever got to the marriage talk, but we discussed kids and moving in together and the like) just to one day have them no longer be interested. Two years of intensity, gone up in smoke like someone just cut the switch. It's... bizarre. This was then followed by a second, sort of half boyfriend half disaster who fed me the same lines. That I was the perfect girl. I was The One. No one could possibly be better for him than me. After I told him I didn't think it would work out, a day later he was on to the next one and saying he was over me like I was nothing. Anyway, since then, whenever someone says that I'm the love of their life, and that they'll never leave me, I have a little voice inside me that says "Oh yeah? How long do you plan on keeping that up? When's your little switch going to turn off and you just look past me?"
I worry that I drive people away. I see myself in relationships doing things that are mean, or petty, or nitpicky and naggy. I see it. I hear what I'm saying and I think to myself "Christ, you're being a bitch. Knock it off." I can see the aggravation growing and I know that I'm pushing buttons. I see it build and build and I worry that one day, since I can't stop myself, I'm going to push to far and they'll up and go. I know that it's not all me, and that I'm not as bad as I see myself, but I've sat and disected my last relationships and I feel like in a way it was my fault. I know the majority wasn't, I've come to terms with that, but I am just worried that whatever percentage was my part is going to be more than what Matt can take.
It's not even just in relationships. It's in friendships, too. I worry that I sleep in too much or stay in my room too much and that my roomates don't like it. I worry that I forget to pick up something that I was supposed to and they'll be mad. I worry that I lose track of time and miss a party that I had promised to go to and they'll never speak to me again. I worry that I show up late to a bar when the other person has been punctual to a tee that they'll be mad at me forever or hold it against me. It's a continual fear that if I do something wrong people will leave me. I'm terrified of it, and I don't know how to fix it.
I'm fully aware, in my own rational self, that this isn't true. I know that Matt loves me, and that he sees past and accepts me for all that I am: nagging, poking, annoying, but loving and caring and supportive. I know that my friends have pulled me through hell and that I've been there for them to do the same, and I know that me showing up late once isn't going to ruin that. But there's always that fear that maybe this will be the time I've pushed too far. Maybe this is the time they won't forgive me for who I am. Maybe they'll stop loving me, too.
I get defensive. I over react. I expect the worst. I set up my guard, just in case that this time, they won't smile and laugh it off. It's even in normal conversation with Matt. If we have a problem, we talk it out, and that's one of the things I love about him. The only thing is that we talk things out very slowly. It's a lot of "talk-pause-process-pause-respond-pause-process" and in that time when he's processing I think he's mad. Or if I throw him a curveball, because a lot of the things I get mad over have deeper roots (Dear God do I need a therapist just so they can sort me out) he gets thrown off guard and I think that he's hurt. And then I get upset that I upset him, and wish I hadn't said anything at all. Then he gets upset that I'm upset that he's upset that I'm upset with him. It just goes on sometimes. I just assume that everyone is going to react like I would: Badly. So I prepare for myself, which is, most of the time, overkill. And dead wrong.
I could really just go on. I'm sure that it's not that bad. I'm sure that I have redeeming qualities. I just feel so wrapped up in the negative that I can't break free at the moment. I'm so worried all the time. It worries Matt. It's a cycle. He can calm me down though. There's no reason for me to be so uptight, but I guess it's just how I am right now.
Here to hoping for a mellower tomorrow.
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