Everything comes together and everything falls apart. This is not going to be a happy post, so if you don't want to read about my bitching, then find a different site to occupy your time.
The past three weeks have felt like building a house of cards. You get to the last two, everything is going beautifully, then someone walks by and the whole thing crumbles. I feel like my mother, and that's not a good thing. Push came to shove, I was faced with a decision, and I panicked. I tore everything down and am left staring at what I have left, which isn't much. My relationship failed (correction, I wrecked my relationship), my dream job fell through, I'm going to be paying rent on a house I can't live in until August at the earliest. The GREs, while not a disaster, are going to have to be retaken.
48 hours can really fuck with you.
I got a letter from my senior year of high school self. I wish she could have known what was coming, I wish she could have seen what would happen to her. I miss being that strong. I miss feeling that confident. I miss trusting that someone will love me as I am and that that person will be the right one for me. I've learned over the past 5 years that love fails. That you can love whoever you want, love is not selective. Love doesn't know who will be right for you or wrong for you, who will lift you up or tear you down. I want me back.
I came to the realization that I lost her, that 17 year old me. I lost her certainty, her determination, her utter belief that things happen for a reason and that reason is good. I lost faith that I am something worthwhile. I know where I lost it, and more or less when, but I can't really figure out why. How did I go from a person who loved herself unconditionally to someone who hates so much of what she's done and who she's become? I've loved more fiercely and completely than I ever did in high school, and I think that passion has wrecked me. I'm petty. I'm low. For as caring and compassionate as I can be in a relationship, I'm vicious and unforgiving afterward. I hate exgirlfriend me. I really do.
So with everything falling out of place, I've come to a point where I have to decide what to do next. There are only so many days you can sit and do nothing, there is a point where you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and push through. I'll fake it as best as I can until I can get to the point where I don't have to lie and say I'm fine. I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic but all I can think of is how I want to run as far and as fast as I can away from here. So what am I doing? I'm quitting my job next week. I'm going out to California for a few days, then coming back for the summer to work for my dad. I'm going to look for a job in Wilmington, move in with Mary, Matt, and Jess. I'm going to apply for grad school, both at Delaware and in England. If someone takes me, I'm going, I don't care where it is. I'll find a way to pay for it or take out a loan or who knows what. I almost hope that Delaware rejects me and UCL takes me. I want to get away more than anything else. I need adventure, I need some way to reinvent who I've become and get to the person I want to be. I want to get past this.
Also, I swear to God if one more person tells me to keep my chin up or make the best of my situation I will snap. I got me here. Let me wallow in the shit I made for me.
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