For Matthew

It seems fitting that the first in a series of letters would be directed to the most important person in my recent life. Please let me know if I should take it down.

June 8, 2010

Dear Matt,

There are a thousand things I want to say to you. It's been a month since I ended things, and for some reason it still feels as raw as yesterday.

I loved you more than anyone on this planet. I loved you more than I ever thought I was capable of. Every day it hurts to know that that love is dying and that one day it will just be a fond memory of a time when I thought I had it all figured out and that I could be truly happy. It hurts every day to know that I've lost my best friend. It hurts worse to know it was my own doing. I have constant flashbacks of when we were together, of when things were good and simple, when I could look forward to October 22 and feel great and excited, when I could fall asleep and know you'd still love me when I woke up, crazy and all. I miss that stability. I miss your laugh.

I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for not respecting what you want out of life or what you think is important. I'm sorry for putting your needs so definitively second to my own. I'm sorry I need as much as I do.

There's no need to go over why I did it, especially not in a public field. We've been over it and it doesn't need to be brought back up.

I wish I was capable of being your friend. I would love to be able to gracefully handle my new role, to be able to hear about you dating and moving on without the stab of jealousy and regret. I wish I could be better to you, but I know that pushing the friendship now will only lead to animosity later, either from you or from me. It's something I learned about myself from Joe. I handle breakups terribly, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship was before.

What I want for you more than anything, despite what my broken and inconsistant heart blurts out, is for you to be happy in everything. For you to love everything in your life and to be completely satisfied. I hope you find someone who makes you happier than you ever thought possible and who loves you more completely than I could. You were the best thing to happen to me, I needed you and you were always there for me. It was the hardest realization of my life to see that neither of us would be completely happy with the other down the road. It demanded too much of both of us. You are an incredible person, loving and sensitive with a wicked sense of humor and a wealth of knowledge at your disposal. Some of my favorite conversaions have been with you over the smallest things. I'm going to miss that more than you might ever know.

I want all the best in the world for you,
With love,
Liz