For Stephen

Dear Stephen,

Where on earth to begin with you.  You've been a good thing and a bad thing all wrapped up into a ball of... I don't even know what.

Why don't we start with the good.  You're strong and you're kind, and you came into my life at a point where I believed that I deserved exactly how I was treated and that I should settle for the level of understanding that came with it.  You showed me that other people found me interesting and attractive, funny and kind, and that I didn't, and shouldn't have to settle for what I was given.  You sent me constant little reminders that I was in your thoughts, and I soaked up that kind of attention like a sponge.

However, you don't believe me when I say I'm not really ready for what you want.  I can't handle being completely committed to one person right now, and you pushing and wanting it and me knowing I can't provide it is driving me crazy.  I know the physical limitation isn't something you were expecting either.  You went off to Mexico thinking I was going to be all about you when you got back, and instead I handed you a list of rules and regulations.  You barely got a hug goodbye out of me when I saw you next. 

I just... I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of my next boyfriend, and well... there are some areas that you fall kind of short.  I really need someone who can spell.  It drives me insane having to decipher your text messages and read "no" as "know" and "know" as "now." I will never understand your logic on that one.  I need someone who cares about learning and furthering their education as much as I do.  It would be nice to have someone who likes to read.  You have the ambition and drive but dear god do you complain about where you are all the time.  I get it.  You're unhappy.  DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  And if you are doing something about it... then look forward to the doing something and stop focusing on how awful right now is (I know this is something I suffer from, too, and something, having seen it in someone else, that I am going to stop immediately).  You lack sensitivity.  You've never once tried to impress me.  And if you have... well, you didn't.  I don't get guns, I don't like killing animals for fun, I don't really care too much about cars, fishing is gross, and I don't like to drink to the point where I can't remember how I got into bed.  I want someone I can take to museums with me and will enjoy being there, or wants to go to a play or to the city and walk around, or the zoo because animals are adorable not because you think it would be so awesome to hunt one in the wild.

I digress.

In the end, you're wasting your time and I don't really know how to tell you more obviously than  I already have.  All it's going to do is just hurt you, and I'm really tired of hurting people, especially when it's completely unnecessary.  So that's why I'm texting you less, and I'm not telling you I'm home in Pennsylvania because I really just don't want to hang out. 

I'm sorry, I know you expected much more, but I just don't have anything left to give.

Liz