2012

Let's set the scene, shall we?

The walls are khaki, there are bits of paper tacked to them at odd angles.  Surrounding the monitor is an array of brightly colored post-it notes that have various reminders and procedures scribbled upon them.  It is 4:23, less than an hour untill we are free to go, my buddha cat on my computer smiles peacefully, reminding me to not be too impatient.  I've been here since 7:20.  My brain is frazzled, it's been undeniably slow, and all I can think about is going home and curling up with a good book and bowl of soup.

What I will be doing, instead, is trying to phrase just exactly why the field of conservation would benefit from training me.  Why I would be the best applicant, why I should be considered and accepted over the rest of my peers.

The truth of the matter is that I don't know if it will greatly benefit them.  I can't honestly say that I am better and more qualified than every other applicant on the market, and I certainly can't promise that I will change how conservation is perceived throughout the world.  All I can say is that it is what I love, it's where I feel the most at home, and right now that feeling is more important to me than anything else out there.  There are other people who feel the same way, this field does not call to people who want to roll in money or who want to slack off and get quick promotions.  It calls to those who want to be involved in what it is at its core. 

We all want to know that we matter, that some part of us will be passed on.  We want to be remembered, we don't want to fade away into nothingness (although Mayan predictions place this as the end of the world.  Who can blame someone having a little belief with all the weird weather and natural disasters we've been having recently).  I've decided that this year begins a change, a genuine one.  I will stop being afraid of failure.  Failure in itself can be both beautiful and useful.  Failure in jobs, failure in relationships, failure in experiences, we can all learn from it.  I've spent too much of my life being afraid of hoping for more than what I have, for really and truly going for what I want and not giving a damn if I don't succeed the first time. Or the second.