This one's more for life in general, and hopefully one I can hang on to.
My mom and I were on our way home from the British Bell Tea Room down in Newark, De for lunch, when the subject of our family came up. It's really hard to feel comfortable around us. As my sister says, "You have to be able to take it" if you want to make it in our family, but both my mom and I agree that it's totally unnecessary for us to even be the way we are.
My family is really sarcastic. We make snarky comments, we banter a lot, there are a lot of snide remarks made. We get a kick out of other people's misfortunes or short comings and you know what? I'm sick of it. I think it's really screwed us up somehow, and I don't know how we got to be this way. I think it's part of where my trust issues come from. Partly because I prefer to be independent and have a hard time trusting people to do things as well as I could, and partly because if you're in that kind of environment you can never really let your guard down because you don't know what's going to be thrown back at you later. You don't want to be caught off guard or give anyone more fodder for the shame-cannon and you certainly don't ever want to be the butt of the joke. This has trickled into other parts of my life, from friends to significant others. I don't let my guard down because I don't want it to be used against me, and all I've ever known is that you put it out there and they'll use it against you.
This is something I want to work on. I want to cut that out of my life and my interactions with people. It's gotten to the point where I have a storehouse of things about people that, should the time arise, I can whip out and use. I won't say I've never done it because I have and I'm really ashamed of that. That's the ultimate betrayal, and I wish I could have just kept my mouth shut. So that's my new resolution, be kinder and more sincere with people. Trust more, cut less.
Cheers.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
A few little thoughts
I'm about to go and shovel the snow off of my driveway, so I thought I'd procrastinate, I mean, share some thoughts.
Firstly, I really do love snow. I think it's beautiful and makes the world look so peaceful. I hate snow when it becomes dirty, frozen, nastiness that makes it hard to drive or walk or anything. I also hate when it gets into your socks and your feet get all cold and snowy. I do like, however, that it becomes a really good reason to curl up by a fire and drink cocoa, with loads of marshmallows, and do absolutely nothing. This is not going to happen today, which makes me a little sad.
Second- I'm going to the gym at least 6 times in the next 10. I'm determined. I'm annoyed that my first forage into doing something good for myself ended up with me being violently ill for two days. I thought I'd done a really good job, packing veggies and tuna, a healthy and filling lunch, only to have it thrown back at me 6 hours later. So here's to a healthier 2010 starting today. And sticking with it.
Thirdly- I miss Matthew. It's not a good thing, I miss him all the time and it's harder because he's running through my head every 15 minutes with something he's said or done. On top of it all, cold weather makes me extra cuddly, and the 9 stuffed animals on my bed just do not cut it as far as making up for him. He makes me really happy, normally, and I figure if I have found someone who makes me happy despite all the bullshit that's going on in my life right now between my parents, living at home, work being a disaster, the terror of finding a new job, applying for grad schools, and making something of myself, that I should roll with that and be happy. It's rare that you can find someone who can do that, much less do it as well as he can. He has a way of making my overwhelming problems look not so bad, which I think is a good thing.
Fourthly- On a downer, I'm pretty sure I'm still in my "Young and Stupid" phase, despite what I've thought or believed. I feel sometimes that at 22 I'm more than capable of living on my own and having my own life and not making more mistakes, but when I think about it or other people and their decisions, I sit and think "OH MY GOD, she's only 22? How young to be making such a monumental decision." And then I sit and think "oh hi there ms. hypocrite." The rest of my life seems like an awfully long time, and it seems like it's not such a big deal to wait and see what happens with things and jobs and school. On a terrifying note, my mom, at my age, was engaged, and would be married in 6 months. SCARY. In another 4 years, she'd have kids.
Alright, ladies and gents, I think that's all I have for now. Except for one little plea to please follow me, because that button looks awfully lonely on the side there all by itself.
Later all!
Firstly, I really do love snow. I think it's beautiful and makes the world look so peaceful. I hate snow when it becomes dirty, frozen, nastiness that makes it hard to drive or walk or anything. I also hate when it gets into your socks and your feet get all cold and snowy. I do like, however, that it becomes a really good reason to curl up by a fire and drink cocoa, with loads of marshmallows, and do absolutely nothing. This is not going to happen today, which makes me a little sad.
Second- I'm going to the gym at least 6 times in the next 10. I'm determined. I'm annoyed that my first forage into doing something good for myself ended up with me being violently ill for two days. I thought I'd done a really good job, packing veggies and tuna, a healthy and filling lunch, only to have it thrown back at me 6 hours later. So here's to a healthier 2010 starting today. And sticking with it.
Thirdly- I miss Matthew. It's not a good thing, I miss him all the time and it's harder because he's running through my head every 15 minutes with something he's said or done. On top of it all, cold weather makes me extra cuddly, and the 9 stuffed animals on my bed just do not cut it as far as making up for him. He makes me really happy, normally, and I figure if I have found someone who makes me happy despite all the bullshit that's going on in my life right now between my parents, living at home, work being a disaster, the terror of finding a new job, applying for grad schools, and making something of myself, that I should roll with that and be happy. It's rare that you can find someone who can do that, much less do it as well as he can. He has a way of making my overwhelming problems look not so bad, which I think is a good thing.
Fourthly- On a downer, I'm pretty sure I'm still in my "Young and Stupid" phase, despite what I've thought or believed. I feel sometimes that at 22 I'm more than capable of living on my own and having my own life and not making more mistakes, but when I think about it or other people and their decisions, I sit and think "OH MY GOD, she's only 22? How young to be making such a monumental decision." And then I sit and think "oh hi there ms. hypocrite." The rest of my life seems like an awfully long time, and it seems like it's not such a big deal to wait and see what happens with things and jobs and school. On a terrifying note, my mom, at my age, was engaged, and would be married in 6 months. SCARY. In another 4 years, she'd have kids.
Alright, ladies and gents, I think that's all I have for now. Except for one little plea to please follow me, because that button looks awfully lonely on the side there all by itself.
Later all!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Ungh, the flu?
Still feeling like crap. Maybe it wasn't just the tuna, I'm concerned it's something worse. No fever yet. Stomach is still off. Merrrrrrrr.
New Year, New Look
For all of you, or whoever of you, actually read this, TahDah! New layout design. I was getting bored of the other one, since it's been like that since... well since I first made this Spring of junior year. Also, thanks to the wonderful people at blogspot help, and to the fact that I remembered to forward my UDel email to my new account, I am finally able to have administrative control over my blog. (I created it with my school email, only to have them kick me off the email after I graduated. I never switched the rights over to my new account, although I had attached the gmail to the blog earlier this year. I had forgotten my old password, but luckily the UDel address forwarded so I could change it. Yay!)
So yes. This is the new look.
Huzzah!
So yes. This is the new look.
Huzzah!
Tuna, Oh Tuna
I'm never EVER eating Tuna again. At least not the one I made. Or at the very least that brand of tuna. I have never been that sick off of just food.
On the bright side at least it's out of my system now. And I can stop worrying that taking a sip of water is going to kill me.
On an even brighter side, my eyes haven't gotten any worse! That's pretty exciting since I'm practically blind as it is. This may make me a candidate for laser eye surgery down the road, provided 1. I'm cleared for it and 2. I can stand being awake for the surgery. I think I'm going to have more problems with the second half than the first. The fact that you have to be awake and looking at it freaks me out, which means I will most likely be a slave to glasses and contacts for the rest of my life. It's all good, I've been thinking about getting new frames for my glasses, but since I'm broke I probably won't be doing that since my prescription is more or less fine. I think it may be off ever so slightly, but not enough for me to really notice. This is actually really great because for a while there I was coming in every 6 months to a year starting in elementary school, and every time I came in my eyes were worse (This is also partially because I'm a freak and for a while if I couldn't read things at like 40 feet I'd go screaming to my eye doctor saying AH I'M BLIND).
Also, apparently reading by the night light when I was little didn't do a thing to my eyes. My DNA did.
SO THERE PARENTS.
Night all!
On the bright side at least it's out of my system now. And I can stop worrying that taking a sip of water is going to kill me.
On an even brighter side, my eyes haven't gotten any worse! That's pretty exciting since I'm practically blind as it is. This may make me a candidate for laser eye surgery down the road, provided 1. I'm cleared for it and 2. I can stand being awake for the surgery. I think I'm going to have more problems with the second half than the first. The fact that you have to be awake and looking at it freaks me out, which means I will most likely be a slave to glasses and contacts for the rest of my life. It's all good, I've been thinking about getting new frames for my glasses, but since I'm broke I probably won't be doing that since my prescription is more or less fine. I think it may be off ever so slightly, but not enough for me to really notice. This is actually really great because for a while there I was coming in every 6 months to a year starting in elementary school, and every time I came in my eyes were worse (This is also partially because I'm a freak and for a while if I couldn't read things at like 40 feet I'd go screaming to my eye doctor saying AH I'M BLIND).
Also, apparently reading by the night light when I was little didn't do a thing to my eyes. My DNA did.
SO THERE PARENTS.
Night all!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
A new year, a new perspective
Happy 2010, everybody.
Bear with me, I'm trying to write a post on my phone, it's already proved more difficult than I imagined.
It's that time of year again when we make promises to ourselves which, for the most part, fallthrough after a few weeks. Having failed several times, I've decided that my resolutions should be monthly, not yearly. That is my goal. Some of them will carry into other months, especially ones that I've failed in previous months. Maybe if I keep things short term I'll be better off.
Here's hoping.
For this month:
1. Eat better. This means more vegetables, less cheeseburgers. I'm also tring to cut out as much fast food as I can. It shouldn't be too bad, I got a new cookbook for Christmas and I'll start making lunches the night before so I won't be too lazy and end up ordering crap. I also want to cut down on the amount of snacking I do and drink more water.
2. Excercise more. I want to go to the gym or go for a walk or do somehing at least 4 days a week. I'm tired of feeling heavy and seeing that number on the scale. I can't sit still for any longer. It makes me cranky.
3. Be more pleasant. I think eating better and exercising more will help this. I tend to get really cranky and annoyed, and I tend to take that out on the people I care about. I also need to find a better way to release my stress.
4. I want to apply to a job each week. And study for the gres and chem.
Alright, that's it! Best of luck :)
Bear with me, I'm trying to write a post on my phone, it's already proved more difficult than I imagined.
It's that time of year again when we make promises to ourselves which, for the most part, fallthrough after a few weeks. Having failed several times, I've decided that my resolutions should be monthly, not yearly. That is my goal. Some of them will carry into other months, especially ones that I've failed in previous months. Maybe if I keep things short term I'll be better off.
Here's hoping.
For this month:
1. Eat better. This means more vegetables, less cheeseburgers. I'm also tring to cut out as much fast food as I can. It shouldn't be too bad, I got a new cookbook for Christmas and I'll start making lunches the night before so I won't be too lazy and end up ordering crap. I also want to cut down on the amount of snacking I do and drink more water.
2. Excercise more. I want to go to the gym or go for a walk or do somehing at least 4 days a week. I'm tired of feeling heavy and seeing that number on the scale. I can't sit still for any longer. It makes me cranky.
3. Be more pleasant. I think eating better and exercising more will help this. I tend to get really cranky and annoyed, and I tend to take that out on the people I care about. I also need to find a better way to release my stress.
4. I want to apply to a job each week. And study for the gres and chem.
Alright, that's it! Best of luck :)
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas :)
Christmas is by far my favorite time of the year. Lately it's been harder and harder to get into the holiday spirit (especially since this is the first year where my parents are split. It's been a little weird knowing what is still ok and what isn't), but I finally clicked into it on Tuesday. I finished my shopping, I finished my wrapping, a last minute gift for somebody special showed up earlier than I thought it was going to, and my boyfriend has been surprising me a little more and more every day with how wonderful he is.
I love the holidays. It's a time where we can put aside whatever problems there are and just love each other and not worry about what might happen. Family gets along better, relationships go better, it's just better all around. And, for the first time since I've been little, we actually had a white Christmas (Also one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time. They had a 24 hour marathon of it yesterday. Made. My. Day.) Watching my dog try and figure out what the cold white stuff is is absolutely hysterical, she's so funny.
I'm excited for next week, too. I have off all week and so does Matt, and I can't wait to actually spend a good chunk of time with him without both of us having other things to worry about or work to do. I'm excited to bring down cookies and truffles, and for us to go to Atlantic City for a few days. I'm just happy that I'm getting to see him and to spend time with him. This whole relationship has turned out much better than I could have imagined. The whole beginnings of us being a couple was sort of a "try it out and see, keep it fun and as lighthearted as possible." I never expected it to turn into what it has. I was so set against finding anyone in the Salisbury area, especially because of how the last few attempts turned out that I never really let myself think that this could be anything more than something fun. But then we started to get to know each other really well, and I got to see sides of him I didn't know existed. I got to see how sweet and dependable he is, and how good he is at calming me down and cheering me up. I never really saw it coming, but he has turned out to be the person I've been looking for. He has all the traits that I've always wanted. He treats me the way I've wanted to be treated. He loves me the way that I've always wanted to be loved. What's even better is that I don't feel like it's a dependent relationship. We're with each other because we want to be with each other, not because we need the other to survive. Granted, if something were to happen, I'm sure we'd both be devastated, but I don't feel like he'd be completely lost without me, just like I don't think I'd be lost without him. I think it's a good thing, I think we compliment each other well and bring out the good in each other. I like to think we're better people when we're together. The fact that it even happens sort of baffles me every day. I never expected that the one person I kept in touch with on almost a daily basis in Italy would turn out to be more than just a good friend who was there for me when I didn't really have anyone else.
I love it. I love this feeling and I love that I look forward to it as much as I do. I love hearing from him and seeing bits and pieces of him in everything I see. It's amazing how someone infuses themselves into every little bit of your life, how the smallest things can remind you of something they've said or done. I'm really happy and I was certain that I would never find this happiness again, much less be happier than I had been before. That's the trouble with first loves, you tend to put them up on a pedestal, only to find that the pedestal is much shorter than you remember, not so shiny, and not all the great. I'm glad that I've found something more fulfilling, and I can't wait to see where it goes :)
Merry Christmas everyone,
Liz
PS I got a coffeemaker and I'm so excited about it!
I love the holidays. It's a time where we can put aside whatever problems there are and just love each other and not worry about what might happen. Family gets along better, relationships go better, it's just better all around. And, for the first time since I've been little, we actually had a white Christmas (Also one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time. They had a 24 hour marathon of it yesterday. Made. My. Day.) Watching my dog try and figure out what the cold white stuff is is absolutely hysterical, she's so funny.
I'm excited for next week, too. I have off all week and so does Matt, and I can't wait to actually spend a good chunk of time with him without both of us having other things to worry about or work to do. I'm excited to bring down cookies and truffles, and for us to go to Atlantic City for a few days. I'm just happy that I'm getting to see him and to spend time with him. This whole relationship has turned out much better than I could have imagined. The whole beginnings of us being a couple was sort of a "try it out and see, keep it fun and as lighthearted as possible." I never expected it to turn into what it has. I was so set against finding anyone in the Salisbury area, especially because of how the last few attempts turned out that I never really let myself think that this could be anything more than something fun. But then we started to get to know each other really well, and I got to see sides of him I didn't know existed. I got to see how sweet and dependable he is, and how good he is at calming me down and cheering me up. I never really saw it coming, but he has turned out to be the person I've been looking for. He has all the traits that I've always wanted. He treats me the way I've wanted to be treated. He loves me the way that I've always wanted to be loved. What's even better is that I don't feel like it's a dependent relationship. We're with each other because we want to be with each other, not because we need the other to survive. Granted, if something were to happen, I'm sure we'd both be devastated, but I don't feel like he'd be completely lost without me, just like I don't think I'd be lost without him. I think it's a good thing, I think we compliment each other well and bring out the good in each other. I like to think we're better people when we're together. The fact that it even happens sort of baffles me every day. I never expected that the one person I kept in touch with on almost a daily basis in Italy would turn out to be more than just a good friend who was there for me when I didn't really have anyone else.
I love it. I love this feeling and I love that I look forward to it as much as I do. I love hearing from him and seeing bits and pieces of him in everything I see. It's amazing how someone infuses themselves into every little bit of your life, how the smallest things can remind you of something they've said or done. I'm really happy and I was certain that I would never find this happiness again, much less be happier than I had been before. That's the trouble with first loves, you tend to put them up on a pedestal, only to find that the pedestal is much shorter than you remember, not so shiny, and not all the great. I'm glad that I've found something more fulfilling, and I can't wait to see where it goes :)
Merry Christmas everyone,
Liz
PS I got a coffeemaker and I'm so excited about it!
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