One more resolution

This one's more for life in general, and hopefully one I can hang on to.

My mom and I were on our way home from the British Bell Tea Room down in Newark, De for lunch, when the subject of our family came up.  It's really hard to feel comfortable around us.  As my sister says, "You have to be able to take it" if you want to make it in our family, but both my mom and I agree that it's totally unnecessary for us to even be the way we are.

My family is really sarcastic.  We make snarky comments, we banter a lot, there are a lot of snide remarks made.  We get a kick out of other people's misfortunes or short comings and you know what? I'm sick of it.  I think it's really screwed us up somehow, and I don't know how we got to be this way.  I think it's part of where my trust issues come from.  Partly because I prefer to be independent and have a hard time trusting people to do things as well as I could, and partly because if you're in that kind of environment you can never really let your guard down because you don't know what's going to be thrown back at you later.  You don't want to be caught off guard or give anyone more fodder for the shame-cannon and you certainly don't ever want to be the butt of the joke.  This has trickled into other parts of my life, from friends to significant others.  I don't let my guard down because I don't want it to be used against me, and all I've ever known is that you put it out there and they'll use it against you.

This is something I want to work on.  I want to cut that out of my life and my interactions with people.  It's gotten to the point where I have a storehouse of things about people that, should the time arise, I can whip out and use.  I won't say I've never done it because I have and I'm really ashamed of that.  That's the ultimate betrayal, and I wish I could have just kept my mouth shut.  So that's my new resolution, be kinder and more sincere with people.  Trust more, cut less. 

Cheers.